Hiv+: When Buffing Up Goes Wrong - Thursday, October 28, 2011

Like the majority of gay men out there, not just us Hiv'ers but all gay men, I too start salivating when coming across posted pics of buff gym clones and men with really muscular physiques that appear on the homepage walls of many a Facebook friend; after all, if we didnt find dozens after dozens of those scantily-clad studs so damn attractive, we wouldnt be gay in the first place, now would we? As a matter of fact, there are millions of gay men worldwide who continously emulate such examples of male physical beauty so much that you just know that gym-owners and health-club owners alike just adore us for wanting to look exactly like those erotic models we worship, as well as prove it by all the bucks alotta folks fork out in their attempts to be as alluring as they possibly can be.

Hey, wanting to look our best, our greatest, even our hottest and yet our healthiest is a universe-given choice that is available to everyone out there, even moreso when one is Hiv+ and striving to be and look as healthy as is humanly possible. Nothing wrong with that; however, as with everything out there under the sun, moon and stars, there is a negative flip side to all this and that is when those of us who are Hiv+ do so not as justa means to make ourselves more visually appealing to others, but as a means to overcompensate for our diseases, and thus set a not-so-good example for the younger gay generations, both Hiv- and Hiv+ alike. The message that is being sent to these younger generations is "See how hot I look? See how popular I am? See how cool it is to be Hiv+?"

I wanna make something extremely clear right here and right now. Bottom line - no amount of drop-dead gorgeous physical looks is worth the price of one's life. It just aint worth it kids. Personally, I'd rather be downright hideously ugly, grotesquely mishaped, have teeth that look like Indian corn and have about 75 to 80 over-sized warts dotting all over my entire body and be in perfectly excellent health versus being a gorgeous Adonis/Narcissus-like creature whom every single gay man on the planet dampens their undies over, Hiv+ and slowly dying. Granted, I've presented two different extremes to you by using the above example but I hope I just got my point across. 

If not, allow me to give a real-life personal example. When I went through the Testicular Cancer and was going through chemo, I asked both my oncologists and their nurses why I wasn't losing weight like I heard and saw so much of with other people going through other cancers, why, instead, was I actually getting a bit of a pouch in my stomach area? Their response was that first, the heavy weight loss and wasting away aspect was very much a stereotype, that not all cancer-fighters such as myself experienced those things, that all depended on each individual case. Second, I was being given a certain amount of steroids to help control my nautiousness and loss of appetite so that neither scenario would take place with me. Naturally, I thanked them all for explaining all of this to me and it did make me feel much better. But not for long.

Shortly afterwards, I told my oncologist(s) that that was all fine-n-dandy but that I was actually beginning to become extremey self-consious about what all this cancer business was doing to my body, that I started to feel awkward about having a belly that poked out somewhat and do you know what they said to me? "Hey, we'd rather have you looking a bit heavy, even fat, in one or more areas of your body and healthy than the other extreme." I thought about what they said further and you know, they were right. It finally sunk into me that it was better to not look my best and eventually be cancer-free and more healthier than usual than to be looking like the living dead and feeling worse and most of all, getting sicker. I've never been a vain person by any means (with the exception of losing my hair during that time period, but I've already written about that) but what they said really hit home for me. 

My only wish is that sucha realization would hit home for alotta the younger gay generations out there who have it totally in their power to either remain Hiv- or take some extremely risky chances and become Hiv+. For those handsome, hunky Hiv'ers out there - and trust me, there are A LOT of them, I know, cause I find them rather nice eye-candy myself - dont let their new improved semi-Hercules-like improved physiques fool you. Behind each of their physical facades is a human being who is popping pills left-n-right just to stay alive as well as running to their local infectious diseases doctor every time those T-cell levels of their's takes a nosedive. I'm not suggesting you younger folks avoid such individuals like living, walking plague epicenters; but, what I am suggesting is that each and every one of you takes a coupla steps back and looks at those individuals and their situations with a more realistic, open and aware eye.

As for my fellow Hiv'ers who are currently active in this most latest of body-shaping-n-molding phases, if you guys are re-inventing your bodies because you want them to become healthier and stronger in the battle against this horrible disease, then please, by all means, knock yourselves out. Good for you. I'm extremely proud of each and every one of you for taking such a responsible stance regarding your overall health - seriously. However, if you guys are doing any of this with the attitude of "Well, I may be Hiv+, but look at me now, dont you just find me tantalizing? Dontcha just wanna do all kinds of filthy, lewd things to my well-defined colossal pecs, my nutcracker-like muscular thighs and my buns-of-steel buttocks?" then you're not only actively promoting the concept that "It's perfectly okay to become Hiv+ because it really IS the In-Thing to do!" but you're also glamourizing the further spreading of this disease just as much, if not more, as the barebackers and bugchasers out there are doing. The war against Hiv/AIDS can only be won when we stand united guys, not when we have two factions working in opposite directions, capice?

Another bottom line, and this one is quite simple folks. Being physically idolized and/or a constant center of attention is not worth acquiring a disease for, especially a disease from which you will eventually die. Trust me, those Hiv+ muscle-clad dudes out there who look like Captain America get sick and die just as easily as those of us who have your average run-of-the-mill body shapes-n-sizes. Dont let all those photo spreads and celebrity-ridden photo-shoots fool you - there is no glamour in dying from AIDS. Never has been and never will be. Look, we all wanna look our best, we all wanna be attractive in the eyes of others but when it all really boils down to it, only you can choose at what price you want to obtain those things. It is my hope that you'll choose wisely, that you'll choose having good health above everything else, as well as to respect and love yourself enough to keep it that way. For always. Thank you for reading.

Note: Please note that as far as I know the above photographed models are not Hiv+. I'm only using the images in this piece to provide illustration to my intended points of view. Thanks.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo