Detection - Monday, February 7, 2011

Yes, it has happened. I would say it has actually or finally happened but I think it sorta did happen sometime last year when I had that incident at my local Walgreen's with that very sweet elderly lady who like myself was waiting in line for some prescriptions, whose grandson also happened to be Hiv+. Based on the most recent incident that took place today while at lunch with a few of my co-workers, I know for a fact that it indeed did actually happen today - somehow, someone matched up HivSpice with my real identity online and presto! Talk about feeling like Clark Kent accidentally leaving his Superman cape sticking outta the collar of his business suit or Diana Prince forgetting to nonchalantly put away Wonder Woman's golden lasso prior to a meeting with Steve Trevor and General Blankenship at the U.S. State Department, and that's EXACTLY how I felt today during and after lunch! I really shouldnt be surprised in the least but that's not too easy to say when you find yourself in such a unique scenario as I was in earlier this afternoon. Perhaps in a way I naturally shoulda expected it to happen. After all, my Facebook Friends List, as well as those of the few hundred friends who are on my list, and their friends, and their friends-of-friends, and so on, that are visible on my wall and other people's walls could very well lead to some very innocent cross-referencing by others and then before you know it, someone is messaging to someone else "I just figured out who HivSpice really is..." Plus, the little experiment I did on New Year's Eve regarding my real identity probaly didnt help matters either. Regardless of the reasoning, what happened today during lunch was quite eye-opening and mouth-dropping - to say the least.

I dont always go out for lunch/supper while at either of my jobs. On my 1st job, I usually pack a nutritious, high-protein (helps with the Type II Diabetes) meal, usually a sandwich, a piece of fresh fruit and then either yogurt or some cottage cheese mixed with canned fruit (peaches or pineapple are my personal favorites); on my 2nd job, sometimes leftovers from my weekend meals but usually some kinda freezer meal that I can pop into the microwave or whatever the 2nd-shift personnel may order in. But today, a few of my co-supervisors and home health aides whom I supervise suggested we treat ourselves to a pre-Valentine's Day meal so I thought to myself "Oh what the hell, why not?" So off we went to the local Applebee's in the Brighton-Allston area of town. For those of you who are not familiar with the Boston area, the Brighton-Allston areas of Boston are not only 2 of the oldest existing neighborhoods in Beantown history, but that area is also home to the infamous Boston University, which by the way is kinda neat place to walk around when you're bored on a Saturday afternoon and have nothing else to do.

Anywho, so the four of us naturally waited in line to get seated at the place and upon being seated and viewing our menu's, I noticed a coupla of the waiters that were standing at one of the meal orders computer station were whispering kinda loudly. I say loudly because there is always so much background noise in any busy restaurant, especially during the noontime rush-hour period. They probaly thought no one was paying attention to what they were saying; but, I certainly was. Jeepers Creepers Batman, thank gawd I was! Trust me, after you start reading their exchanges and perhaps begin muttering to yourselves "Mannnnnn, I betcha Spice felt like crapping his pants!" that would be the biggest, truuest understatement here in the early months of the New Year of 2011! Here it is.....

Waiter #1:" Hey, see that guy over there? I think THAT's HivSpice".....Waiter #2: "Dude, you're fucking ripped! That aint no fucken HivSpice, the dude dont even have a pic online." Waiter #1: "He sure as hell does, his real name is...." And then he told the other waiter my real name and the other waiter then said "Aight, hold on, brb..." So Waiter #2 disappeared into the men's bathroom with his cell-phone (I saw him pulling it outta his back pocket as he was walking into the bathroom). About 10 minutes passed by and while I am suspiciously watching outta the corner of my eye and waiting for the bathroom door to swing open and Waiter #2 to emerge, our food arrives. Speaking of which, I highly recommend Applebee's Club Sandwich for lunch, accompanied by the WildBerry Lemonade, both are extremely righteous to the palate if I may say so myself.

Finally, Waiter #2 comes outta the bathroom, heads over to the order station - all the while acting like he doesnt see me nearby - and waits for Waiter #1 to show up. Then - get this - yet ANOTHER waiter shows up(!) - naturally we'll call him #3 - and another round of loud whispering takes place - Waiter #3 to Waiter #2 - "Hey Dude, so where is this Spice-stud??" to which I instantly thought to myself "Holy Fucken Shit!!! I cant believe this is happening to me!!! I FINALLY feel better and now I have to gear up for a mini-nervous-breakdown!!" Plus on top of the mere shock of it all I wanted to yell over "Spice-stud!?!?! Sweethaht, I havent been a stud since the summer of '85!!" Ah yes, you know me, campy humor always pulls me through!

Then like a great astronomical configuration taking place in the midnight sky, all 3 waiters meet up at the ordering station (Waiter #1 standing their nonchalantly with a couple of dirty plates in his hands) and the loud whispering starts all over again; but, this time I did not hear everything that was being said due to the fact that a couple of my co-workers were engaging in some conversation at the time. But what I did hear was the following exchange...Waiter #2: "Oh my gawd, Dude, you were right! THAT is HivSpice, just like in the blog, Dude, THAT's him!!!!" to which I thought to myself "Damn, I guess people really REALLY are reading my blog after all!!" followed by my very low trademark Charles-Nelson-Reilly laugh from the mid-70's, which I did quietly to myself ! Waiter #1: "See Dude, I toldja, I toldja!" and then they did that hand-clap thing that hip-hoppers do and I thought to myself "Oh gawd, this just isnt your day Spice, it just isnt your day, Kiddo!" So then the 3 waiters got close for a brief 2-minute huddle - but it felt like 2 hours to me! - and they were whispering so low by that time that I could not figure out what they were actually saying; but, I do know that it did not appear to be anything of a negative nature (I'm good at reading both lips and facial expressions, for the most part). Then the 3 disbanded and went about their business while both my luncheon companions and myself finished our meals. But, there's more - isnt there always in my life?

Only a few minutes after we finished our lunch, Waiter #2 comes streaming by our table, looks at me straight in the eyes, smiles, and says "Would you like me to take that away for you, Sir?" so I smiled back at him and said "Yeah, sure, that'd be great, thanks" to which he said "Notta problem - can I get anything else for you?" to which I wanted to say "Yeah, you, totally naked on a couch made outta Corinthian leather, with "Touch Me" by Samantha Fox blaring in the background, can you do that for me Sweethaht?" but you know me, Mr. Good-Girl himself politely responds "Uhm, no I'm fine, thanks for asking." THEN, he rendevous with Waiter #1 at the ordering station once again and I hear him say "Whoah Dude, you gotta go look at his eyes! And...." then the rest I could not make out but as anyone would be, I was extremely and very much flattered by the compliment about my eyes, though by the same token I've always thought to myself "Why is it always my eyes?? What about my ass? My thighs?" Oops, sorry Dear Readers, gotta watch that stream-of-consciousness thing. Seriously though, my Grandma always has told me that you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes, so maybe that part of the incident was a very good thing.

So as we're getting up to leave and walking towards the front door, Waiter #3 approaches me and says "Excuse me Sir, one of the bus-persons found this watch near your table, is it yours?" I stopped, paused and looked directly at him for a few split-seconds (which I think is exactly what the guy wanted), smiled, held up my left wrist and said "Nope, I dont think so, see, mine's right here" to which he laughed and said "Sorry man" to which I did, in all seriousness, accidentally blurted out "Dont sweat it, Sparky"(!) I'm serious guys, I truly dont know what possessed me to say that but both online as well in real life, I do call almost everyone Sparky but it's usually under my breath! Anyways, he said "What!?!" and then didda little laugh and said "I gotcha, have a nice day." 

Let me tell you, on the way back to my office I wanted soooooo bad to ask one of my co-supervisors "Hey, you got one of those nasty Marlboro Ultra-Lights on ya!?!?" BUT I didnt, I was a good boy and resisted all temptation but let me tell you, today was the ultimate test to wanting to literally break-down and light up!! If this woulda happened on any other day, perhaps I wouldnt have been so innerly freaking out inside myself, but after being so goddamn sick this past week I thought to myself "Great, I make it through all this physical illness bullshit, now let's pile on the mental malady crap on top of it all." Oh well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, and in all honesty I have no one to blame but myself, but still, that doesnt make the incident any less somewhat unnerving. Dont get me wrong, like anybody else out there, whenever anyone finds me attractive even in the slightest sense, I am quite flattered by it. The most unsettling part of it was/is my natural human curiosity, naturally, towards the answers to the folllowing questions - how in the hell have 2 waiters atta local restaurant figured out that Spice and the real me are the same exact person? Is my blog really reaching that many people? Who on my friend's list or the numerous friends-of-friends lists is somehow directly or even indirectly connected with them? I suppose some folks with my anonymity circumstances would ask "Arent you worried about them coming to where you work?" but quite frankly, I'm not in the least, for not only is my main place of employment (I oversee more than one group-home) sorta aways away from the restaurant, but with the simple-looking clothes I wear to work, you wouldnt look at me while walking down the street and say "Oh yeah, that guy looks like a group-home manager, he must be HivSpice" ya know what I mean? So in all honesty, I'm not the least bit worried. Plus it's very easy for anyone to say in response "I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone else" if need be.

Of course, the main question for me right now is this - what do I do about all of this now, if anything? Quite frankly, I really dunno. I know one thing is for sure - should that type of scenario ever take place again, or at least until I do decide to come out totally as an Hiv'er in the public eye I need to to exactly what I did today - remain calm, cool & collected, just be myself, smile and remain polite, which I do anyways because as a whole person I really am one of those nice-guy types, but not in the push-over sense, please make no mistake about that. Aside from that, I think the only other thing I could do is possibly remove myself - my real identity, that is - off of all the folks who I am currently friends with online. Dont get me wrong, it would not be an action of personal offense towards any of my friends but rather justa precaution to protect myself, just to be on the extra-safe-side, that's all. But then if I did that, there are a coupla flip-side aspects to consider. First, unless I did it in the wee-wee hours of the morning, there is a possibility that several people might take notice and ask "Hey, where did so-n-so go?" Second, as much as I am proud of my Spice name, damn guys, there are times when even I needa break from HivSpice, when I'm the one who needs some extra moral support for what I'm going through, when I'm the one who needs someone to talk to. Besides, I like being able to be the whole me with my friends. Being able to be your total self, that's something that you may need to sacrifice in certain situations, but to do so 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Sorry, but that simply unacceptable to me as a whole person. After all, what's the point of living life if you cant keep it real 99.9% of the time?

So, looking back in retrospect, this was an extremely interesting and fairly enlightening experience that I had today. Perhaps in a way today's experience is a further confirmation of what a few dear friends told me last year - that I really do reach more people than I think I do. Hey, I'm in no way a braggart (okay, maybe just when it comes to my ships!) but as long as I am accomplishing what I've set out to do since Day One of this name's inception- to raise public awareness as well as make a positive difference in the lives of others, then that is all that truly matters. It really is. Being outted as an Hiv'er is a very serious thing but so is making it a point to be of help as well as be there for others. And I suppose in a way maybe we need to come out to ourselves first before we can do so to the rest of the world. By the same token, I think coming out as an Hiv'er is just as much of a gradual process as coming out as a gay man was, though with the former I think there might be more intense ramifications. I know, I know, there are some folks out there who will exclaim "Oh, it's no big deal!" but as I have stated several times previously, that statement usually originates from those who either have a partner to fall back on or who are no longer part of the workforce. And no, those arent excuses everyone, they're called realities. Whether mild or harsh, they are what they are. Yes. Yes, I think that is a very logical and intelligent lesson that I have learned today. As I always say, I may not have all the answers but at least my heart is always in the right place. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Sick Blues - Thursday, February 3, 2011

Nobody likes being or feeling sick on a continous basis and I'd have to say, based on my own personal experiences, it's the frustration angle of it that is the worst part of all. Frustration because sometimes it feels like you simply cannot make it back to your own normal speed of doing things, your own daily routine - one of the few things that keeps any of us going. Even more frustration when you cant get over the hump that is knocking you on your ass. That's what I've been going through since this past Friday when I ended up at the ER doubled over in pain from a combination of a major UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and some crazy strain of the flu. Crazy because like millions of folks out there, I hate having the flu and like millions of folks out there I too got that damn flu shot this past year! I guess it's true, that one single shot does NOT protect you from every single strain of the flu - but I sure as hell wish it did! I'm gonna go ahead right away and assume that others who may be in my current situation wish the same exact thing too.

Whenever you have any type of disease - whether it is considered, major, chronic, life-threatening, you name it - things such as the flu and the common cold can make you feel 10 times worse because in most cases, you already have a compromised or impaired immune system to begin with. Such is the case with being Hiv+. Hell, if you're not careful and take the best precaution of all - taking as best care of yourself as you possibly can - the symptons and side effects of having the flu or common cold within the body of your average Hiv'er seem to be so much more amplified and can wreak hellish havoc in your body like you would not believe. True, for the most part it's simply one of those things which you have no control over it except to deal with it and survive it the best way you possibly can, which is true in any illness/disease scenario, whether it's being Hiv+, having full-blown AIDS, any form of cancer, you name it. However, for those times when no matter what you do you simply get sick and are totally vulnerable in every sense of the word it's not only frightening but it can also be downright unnerving.

What I'm about to say next is NOT intended to be negative or morbid in any manner though I am certain it may very well come across that way to some people, but I intend it only in a logical, rational way, for one's own piece of mind. Regardless of what your situation is right this moment in your life as I write this, regardless if you are fightiing a major disease such as I am or not, for yourself as well as for your loved ones, make certain that you create some form of legalized will/last testament before your lifeclock ticks away any further. No, I'm not saying this because I feel like I am headed towards my deathbed - though if anyone had asked me 2 or 3 evenings ago I mighta commented otherwise! - I'm saying it because it makes good, sound common sense to have all your affairs in order so that you have one (or more) less thing to worry about should you find yourself in some degree of an incompacitated state where you are not capable of making such decisions on your own. Do not under any circumstances allow anyone to take any choices you may have now away from you under such unexpected circumstances. You'll feel a helluva lot more in control if you do something about all of this now versus later when you may not be in a position to do so. I'm not suggesting that everyone stops whatever they are doing at the moment, goes home and starts writing outta will and then run your butts over to your nearest available law firm; but, at least take some time outta of your busy schedule to think about this and perhaps put the wheels in motion as soon as you reasonably can.

Of course, there may be some things that you want to leave behind to others that you cant, some things that you definitely want others to have and perhaps even some things that you dont give two rats-asses about. I think that's true with most of us out there.

Naturally, the greatest thing that any of us human beings can leave behind to others is something that isn't material or physical but it is indeed tangible - it's called Love. Love, good thoughts, the strength for others to go onward with their lives and live as happily and healthily as is humanly possible, no matter what comes their way in their lives. That also is the greatest gift we can give to others while we are still alive, but that should go without saying.

However, there is one thing I wish I could leave behind that is most likely impossible to do so - my unexplained knack for being able to identify and bring to light previously unknown information about ocean liners. I know, I'm laughing my ass off right now too as I reread that sentence as well but only because I simply dont know how else to describe it. I'm not psychic by any means, nor have I ever claimed to be so, but to simply take a handful or two of ocean liner photographs and to be able to describe with pinpoint accuracy a minimum of 3 to 5 aspects regarding each ship - without having very little - if any - previous knowledge of each individual liner - is nothing short of amazing. Why would anyone be blessed with sucha gift? As a human being, I have no idea. As a history-lover, the only logical, legitimate explanation I can come up with is to perhaps keep the memories and histories of such ships alive for future generations. Granted, I certainly dont rank sucha talent right up there with knowing how to operate the Ark of the Covenant or solving the unexplained mysteries of Black Holes, but like with everything else, it has a purpose. Everyone and everything in this world has a purpose, that definitely cannot be denied in any way, shape or form. Be that as it may, I'm thankful for this gift, wherever it came from, for whatever reason I have been blessed with it, for it truly is phenomenal as well as fascinating to say the least.

Speaking of ships, my books. My Ships books. Who indeed will I ever leave them to or for? Not just the rare, valuable ones, such as the history of the Esso Oil Tankers of the 1930's and 1940's, published after WW II and given only to those Merchant Marine personnel who served on those fine ships (I still dont know how my Grandpa got that book, it was never released to the general public, only to those who worked for the Esso Company itself) or the small book written about the Cunard liner FRANCONIA's World Cruises of 1931 and 1933, but ALL of them, all 250-some of them. My favorites too, like "The Only Way To Cross" by John Maxtone-Graham, "Lives of the Liners" by Frank O. Braynard (indespenable for any ship buff's library collection) and of course, "A Night To Remember" by Walter Lord, both the original printing as well as the special hardcover anniversary edition. Even with leaving such things behind (as far as I know you're still not allowed to take anything with you but damn, if we arent allowed to smoke in Heaven, I'm gonna be one very upset puppy! Why would it matter then? After all, we're dead anyways, ya know?) I still ask myself "But who will tell their stories, who will indeed keep the memories of those great ships alive?" I guess that's one of those things where you just have to say to youself "Who cares? I'll be dead anyways" but I can't. They are literally part of my soul, emphatically etched into the very core of it and even after I am gone someday, I'm still gonna work on that one, come Hell or high water - literally!

Hollywood. My beloved Hollywood books consisting of film history books, major and minor film studio books, movie star autobiographies, postcards and so on and so on. Actually, I think this collection is probaly just as vast if not moreso than my ship book collection. I do love and adore the world of films and countless movie stars but I dont talk about them as much as others do, let alone write about them, but that's because there are so many people out there who make statements like "Well it was this way..." or "It was that way..." or "I think this happened because of this.." and all kinds of well-intended theories that I'd rather just keep my mouth shut in order to avoid any heated arguments. Yet almost every single time I come across such claims and statements I start laughing silently to myself because I'm gonna let y'all in on a teeny tiny secret about history that alotta us history buffs rarely share with the world. IF you indeed wanna know what any type of historical experience or historical period was like, guess what is your best and most competent source of information regarding those experiences? The people who were there. Yes, you wanna endless wealth of information? If at all possible, simply talk with the people who were there. 

Now for some things that actually make me wish I did have a blood heir. They are quite unique and unusual in their own right and there has to be some practical way to write about them without others thinking I am some kinda.....I got it. The next coupla things I write about are gonna be in a genre of writing that I've rarely attempted doing. Here begins the Fantasy/Fiction portion of this particular entry...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             My crystal ball has been in my family since 1572. Back in those days crystal balls were made and formed into perfectly round spheres by the glassblowers of that generation with just a very minute indentation where the glassblowing torch was seperated from the sphere itself. However, that only applies to crystal balls that were made to look like every other crystal ball out on the market back in those days. Sometimes the crystal balls were formed in a certain way for a reason. Some were even made to actually look like fake crystal balls, used mainly as a centerpiece on top of a round mahoghany foyer table or for the mantle of a fireplace. Such imposters were made with a small flat surface indentation on their bottom sides, again, that way making them look fake, making them appear as common household chachkies. In addition, one must take into account that in that particular historical time period anyone even suspected of being a witch or a warlock was grounds enough for a death sentence of being burned alive or if one was extra-lucky, just hanging from your local gallows. It's a very beautiful crystal ball, simply gorgeous in every way. It was given to me when I turned 21 and it's been with me ever since. I actually feel honored to be the guardian of this very ancient piece of my family history and quite frankly, I cant imagine ever parting with it but as we all know, we're not allowed to take anything with us when we part from this world.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I dont have any blood heirs and following my death my surviving blood relatives will either sell or throw out all of my things anyways- you gotta remember, I'm going to Hell anyways because I'm gay and AIDS is a divine punishment from God. I'm gonna leave the crystal ball to someone extremely special to me, a very close friend of mine. I know that she would greatly appreciate such a gift as well as take extremely good care of it. I dont know why I didnt come to this conclusion earlier. It's actually kinda ironic when I think about it. Although the crystal ball was transported by its guardian from Western Europe to America, that wasnt their direct route, America was not its initial arrival destination; therefore, it's only fitting that the crystal ball's final home will someday be at that very place.

The Seven Books of Moses. No, not the ones the Catholic Church has claimed for centuries are "the Lost Books of Moses" these particular books of Moses are the real McCoy. Remember the Biblical story where Moses was up on that one mountain when God was instructing him to inscribe the Ten Commandments onto those stone tablets? Remember all those divine powers Moses was suppose to have afterwards? Well, let's just say that that day Moses was doing more than recording the Ten Commandments. He was also recording the words and Hebrew incantations God gave him to harness those divine powers. How do you bequeath something as powerful as those books to someone? Very carefully. Perhaps with a note that may very well read "P.S. By the way, IF any modern-day descendents of Hitler's Third Reich, the Vatican or the Jewish World Federation comes looking for them, you just might have to give James Bond a call, pronto!!" In that sense, those books would be more of a curse than a gift. Those who tried to get their claws on them most likely forgot about them after the ATHENIA was torpedoed especially since their guardian's name showed up on the list of those who didnt survive the sinking anyways. These books survived not only the rise and fall of Hitler's Third Reich, but they also escaped the only failed attempt to capture them. As for the Vatican, the majority of their circa 1939 thru WW II hierarchy have long gone to their graves; and, the modern Catholic Church still claims they already have "the Lost Books" in their posession - oh how these major organized religions of the world continue to lie to and mislead their followers. Regarding the Jewish World Federation that existed in 1939, as well as those who survived the Holocaust, the majority of them have since passed away as well. Even now, with as many educated Rabbis as there are currently associated with that particular organization, the Jews too have more than once publicly claimed that such books dont even exist to begin with. So, maybe there really is no threat after all; but, if you were me, would you feel 100% comfortable in entrusting them to someone lightly, without explaining their full and real truth to whomever you left them to? 

Whenever I've written about any subject under the Sun, the Moon and the Stars themselves, I've never once claimed to have all the answers. I'll be the first person on this planet to admit that I am not perfect and that I do make mistakes. By the same token, I'll be damned to Hell itself if I'm going to allow those books to fall into the wrong hands just because my earthly life would be ending. Both the generations that came before me and myself made a promise to keep them safe from harm and danger of any and all kinds. Like those who came before me, I do not take promises lightly in any way whatsoever. These books will continue to be protected and preserved now and long after I am gone.

I'm gonna leave the Seven Books of Moses to a friend, a close friend who is like a brother to me. It's funny, we dont share the same spiritual beliefs but I cannot think of anyone better to leave these books to. After all, he doesnt believe in such things, so who better to entrust these books to than someone who doesnt believe in the power they hold within them to begin with? I have the right to be equally concerned with who will take care of them after I'm gone just as much as I have the right to be concerned about whether or not what's inside of them will remain in total peace or abused horribly. I have no reason to believe that my friend would ever ever use them for personal gain or to harm others. That right there is good enough for me. With the exception of myself, nobody else on this planet could keep those books as safe-n-sound as they have been for the last 3 or 4 centuries as both my ancestors and myself have, than the friend I am referring to right now. He is one of the most intelligent, most outspoken and most fiercely passionate people I have ever known in my entire life. If anyone ever wanted to know someone who is deeply committed to standing up for the truth and for justice, without ever deviating one iota from either, he's the one. Without a doubt. The books will be safe with him. Here ends the Fantasy/Fiction portion of this entry.

I'm hoping that by tomorrow at the latest, I will totally feel back to normal, that the achy/nautious reside of the flu will be long behind me and that the remnant discomforts of the UTI will have totally subsided as well. It is my sincere hope that some of the things I have written about in this piece will resonate within others and possibly influence them to consider the suggestion I made about keeping their affairs in order just in case. Another thing I think that needs to be stressed from that angle is that it doesnt matter what illness or disease you have, whether it's being Hiv+, having AIDS, variuous forms of cancer, etc., it's always good to be as prepared as you possibly can be regarding such matters. for none of us truly knows what lays ahead in the future. But in the meantime, let's take the best care possible of ourselves as we can, as well as those around us and truly live life as fully and happily as is humanly possible. Thank you for reading.

Note: I originally wrote this piece on Thursday, February 3rd, 2011 but due to the fact that I've been so sick this past entire week I held off on posting it until this evening, Saturday, February 5, 2011.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

ADAP: A Battle For Life - Friday, Jaunary 28, 2011

How utterly ironic that I am writing sucha piece as this one, especially since I came home sick from work earlier this afternoon after another one of those lovely ER visits which I abhor so very greatly; but, I've been wanting to write this piece since yesterday. Last night while at work, as well as when I came home from work, I was simply more overtired than usual and I just did not feel right, which in turn shoulda tipped me off about what I'd be experiencing today. Oh well, like with everything else in life you gotta roll with the punches and tis far better to get plenty of rest mixed with intervals of healthy mind activity versus laying around and feeling frustrated about things which we have no control over, things such as the common flu. By the same token, there are also times when we need to take such frustration and fight like a major bat outta hell. This is one of those times.

Starting tomorrow morning and straight thru till late Sunday afternoon/early evening, an Emergency ADAP (AIDS Drug Assistance Program) Conference will be taking place down in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. For those of you who are unaware of what it's all about, here's the skinny in a nutshell - there are THOUSANDS of people all across the United States who cannot afford, nor have the means to afford, their badly needed AIDS medications and are currently on waiting lists to receive medications that are crucial to their very existence. The clock is ticking. Their time is running out. This conference will be addressing, as well as pushing for, the actions needed to prevent such lunacy from going any further than it already has. Hiv'ers and those suffering from AIDS need their medications in order to combat and prevent future illnesses and/or infections from taking place; we need our medications if we want to be able to function as normally as is possible considering the various medical circumstances of this disease; and, quite naturally, we need our medications if we wanna survive. When the individual states of this nation do not do enough to assist in providing people with their badly-needed medications they more or less are signing people's death warrants and this is not only an inexcusable crime against humanity, it is both committing and condoning outright murder and it needs to be stopped ASAP before THOUSANDS of peoples lives are put at even further stake than they already are.

I commend all the Hiv & AIDS activists, those who are infected with the Hiv virus and who have AIDS, their friends, family, supporters, and everyone who is able to make it to that meeting in order to do what they can to help save the lives of countless others. I hope-n-pray that this meeting is quite productive and that there are positive results at the end of it when all is said-n-done. Dealing and/or combatting any kind of illness and/or disease without the proper tools, more specifically the right medications, is like playing Russian Roulette with one's life. Of course, that's if one has a choice - the THOUSANDS of people who are on those ADAP waiting lists for their medications do not, in most cases, have a choice and any state government which chooses to stand by and not do anything to help these people in sucha horrible plight is comparable to standing by and watching someone else drown right in front of your open eyes without doing one goddamn thing to help save them. Scenarioes such as this truly do demonstrate the dividing lines between what is human and what is not. This is one of those times in life where making a difference for the safety & welfare of others is not just essential, it goes way beyond extremely crucial. There is no negotiating on the value of even one single human life, let alone THOUSANDS.

So in the meantime while the many fine men and women who are attending the Emergency ADAP Conference in Florida this weekend are fighting with all their might to help save the lives of THOUSANDS of others, I suggest that those of us who are not able to attend keep all of them in our utmost thoughts and prayers for what I personally hope will be a very successful and victorius win in yet another key battle on the AIDS warfront. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Some Kind of Spectacular - Monday, January 24, 2011

Ever since this past spring, 2010, thanks to many of my friends on Facebook, I have been exposed to some of the most famous, prolific and internationally well-known as well as rare art images known to mankind via many of the art albums that several people I know have both passionately and painstakingly put together and shared with countless others. I've always been appreciative of fine art but without shame or embarassment I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most educated person on the planet when it comes to such things! That is not to say that I am a complete and utter moron when it comes to this subject but if you asked me "What's the difference between a Renoir and a Monet?" I would probaly nonchalantly respond "Good question, Sparky, why dont you tell me?" However, as much as I do love the various art forms out there, none taps directly into my inner soul more than the artwork and/or illustrations of one of my life's greatest passions - my beloved ships, most notably, the numerous famous ocean liners of the world, particularly the classic liners from the early 1900's onward. Hell, those ships were floating artistic masterpieces themselves, minus the exquisite paintings, sculptures and bas-reliefs that were central themes to the majority of their vast interiors.

So, with a grain of salt - sea-salt, naturally! - I've reviewed and flipped through every single art album that has come my way in the open newsfeed of my Facebook homepage the past several months, every single time hoping and praying, as well as muttering to myself "Oh gawd, please, PLEASE, a ship please! Just one single ship! Even a friggin sailboat or cargo freighter would be enough to titilate my senses at the moment!" But alas, very rarely, if at all, did such images steam into my view. Albeit, one or two friends did do their best to include them whenever they possibly could, which to this day I thank them greatly for, but like a French legionaire searching for drops of water in the Saharan desert in a Laurel & Hardy feature, it simply was never enough. 

That was, until I began talking to someone who is now a very dear friend and close confidante, Mr. Adam Scott Crispo, proprietor of A Fine Madness Collectibles. This past December, 2010, prior to the Christmas holidays, Mr. Crispo created the most wonderful and impressive art album of martime illustrations, which includes some of the most prolific advertisements & illustrations of some of the world's most famous liners ever created within it, and aptly titled it "For Spice: Ships That Do Not Merely Pass In The Night." Let me tell you, whenever I view this album, which is quite often by the way, I not only fall in love with my most beloved ships that are closest to my heart-n-soul all over again - yes, every single time I view it - but I also fall in love with the passion, the thoughtfulness and the keen eye to detail which Mr. Crispo put into choosing every single image in that album. If there are any of you out there who are even mild ocean liner afficiandoes, or the more contemporary politically correct term of "ship buffs," I strongly advise all of you to go to Mr. Crispo's Facebook page and check out this extraordinary album. If you love ships even one quarter as much as I do, I guarantee you that you will fall in love with this album as quickly and as deeply as I have. Even within the past several days, Mr. Crispo has added even more photos to this album, each one a more unexpected surprise than the previous, and it just amazes me the way he zooms in on the most appealing images from each era of the great greyhounds of the seas, from pre-1900's right through to the 1960's.

Better yet, all of the images in the album "For Spice: Ships That Do Not Merely Pass In The Night" are at the time of this writing currently available for purchase. Mr. Crispo himself is a very successful business entrepreneur in his own right and certainly doesnt needa sales pitch from me, but it gives me great honor to give worthy mention to the many unique and fantastic wares of his shoppe. Lord knows if I could afford it myself this very moment, I would purchase every single image in this album for there isnt one sampling of it that doesnt literally sing love songs to the heart of any true ship-lover out there, especially myself. Though I thoroughly enjoy every bit of this album, yes, I do have my favorites.

It's not just the list of liners that are covered in the album that are beyond magnificent for the sheer glory and splendor they evoke in the hearts and minds of many a ship buff, liners such as le NORMANDIE, ILE-DE-FRANCE, the REX and her equally gorgeous sistership CONTE DI SAVOIA, Cunard's famous twins CARMANIA and CARONIA, QUEEN MARY, ANDREA DORIA, the American sisters CONSTITUTION and INDEPENDENCE, and the list goes on and on(!) but it's the representations, the colors, the textures, the views that made each and every one of these liners common household names that literally exasperates the most discerning of ocean liner afficiandoes! I must admit, I have more than a few favorites which are included in this album but it would literally take writing an individual book about each liner to merely get across to all my readers what I adore about each and every one of them. Since that is not possible via one blog entry, allow me to elaborate on at least a few.

My first favorite, is not the illustrations of my beloved NORMANDIE and QUEEN MARY as would naturally be expected of me by my fellow ship buffs, but rather the illustration of the Clyde-Mallory Line, at one time one of the most affluent smaller American steamship lines ever. The ship depicted in this particular piece is none other than the IROQUOIS class of liner, with the specific liner represented being the actual IROQUOIS herself or her equally popular sistership SHAWNEE. Both were very popular smaller liners (those under 500 feet long) on the American and Canadian coastal waterway systems. The IROQUOIS has earned a permanent place in both U.S. History as well as World War II history for in reference to the latter, in those early, bleak, dark days of September, 1939 as the entire world was entering into the Greatest War of All Times, this smaller coastal liner was requisitioned by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt himself (one of my personal heroes dontcha know) to rescue stranded Americans who were stuck in Europe during the opening days of what would eventually turn out to be World War II. Not only did the IROQUOIS make the trip there-n-back safely, and in one piece, but the tales of famous passengers on board her for that most hurried of all Transatlantic crossings, such as cosmetics queen Helena Rubenstein are well-renowned in shipboard histories the world over. FDR even had 2 American destroyers escort the small ship into the safe waters of New York Harbor once she entered the American coastal waters zone pre-established by International Maritime Law. It was quite a feat for sucha smaller-than-average ocean liner but she made it and the success of her mission was a great boost to American morale during those early days of the war.

My 2nd favorite is of none other than one of my most favorite ships of all time, the Canadian Pacific liner and flagship, EMPRESS of BRITAIN of 1931. She was the largest Canadian ocean liner ever designed and built in the history of that nation and was an extremely beautiful liner with the most widest, yet prolific funnels ever designed for a ship, perhaps even greater than the extremely single exta-broad funnel installed on the Cunard liner CARONIA of 1949. The EMPRESS of BRITAIN was larger, heavier and faster than most battleships of her era and was so streamlined that her beauty and grace has never been duplicated since then for one very simple reason - it simply cannot be. The sharpness of her bow, the smooth curves of her yachtlike stern - never, never before or since has such an example of maritime artistry ever existed. Her interiors were the most ornate and immaculate of any liner on the Canadian route and like many of her generation, she too was a victim of Hitler's Third Reich. All that power, all that strength, all that beauty laid-waste by the contemptous wheels of an evil world-wide war machine. So very sad. As with many of the liners I have fallen in love with over the years, I will always keep her memory close to my heart.

In fact, on a personal note, I dont have any tattoos at all but I've always said that someday should I decide to get some, there are two ocean liners that I plan to have on my person - one will be of my most favorite Cunarder, the AQUITANIA (1914-1951) and the other will be of my beloved EMPRESS of BRITAIN (1931-1942). I believe that all ocean liners of the past and present should continue to be immortalized in one or more ways so that future generations will know of them, know of their stories, know of their lives but out of all of them, these two are the ones I choose to hold forever close to me. The pride of Canadian Pacific Line's pre-war fleet will always always be precious to me.

My 3rd favorite is the artistic postcard of the Cunard twins CARMANIA and CARONIA(1905), two of the most popular Cunarders in the pre-World-War-I years. Though both were some of the most notable and fastest liners of their generation, the CARMAINA earned her rightful place in World War I history from her famous duel at sea that took place between her and the Hamburg South-America liner CAP TRAFALGAR. The latter was trying to avoid getting captured by the British Navy so she literally disguised herself to look like the CARMANIA; BUT, unbeknownst to the Germans, the British had the same exact idea with the CARMANIA!! In other words, here were 2 famous ocean liners, disguised exactly like each other, battling each other for their very lives with the guns mounted on both their bow and stern sections. In the end, it was the CARMANIA who won the battle and she went down in maritime history as "one of the toughest liners to ever sail the Seven Seas." Yes, she truly was representative of her generation at a time when the great ocean liners were more than just a mode of transportation but were also symbols of national pride. Incidentally, the latter accolade would be echoed years later on the eve of World War II in September, 1939, right before France fell to Germany when the managing directors of the Compagnie Generale Transatlantique stated during a secret meeting pertaining on what the line should do with the NORMANDIE, keep her in France or send her to the safety of American waters, "...but the NORMANDIE IS France!!"

Whew, like I said in a previous blog entry or two, you get me going on my ships and watch out! All my ship books are stuck in storage somewhere in the Midwest but because I dont have the space here in Boston to have them with me at this current time, whenever I get lonesome for them, all I have to do is look at the album created by Adam Scott Crispo and their histories, their memories, their very spirits come back to severely haunt me and in every instance, a much-appreciated and most enjoyable haunting. This album, "For Spice: Ships That Do Not Merely Cross In The Night" has captured my heart unlike any other. Everyone else can enjoy their unique paintings, their modernist sculptures and their minimalist wall-reliefs but me? Give me my North Atlantic Greyhounds and that truly is all I need to keep myself happy and totally sated. You wanna see what real artwork is? Look at all those massive castles of floating steel with brightly colored interiors going at about 35 m.p.h, across the sea, slicing through 15 to 25 foot waves like a warm knife through butter - now THAT is poetry in motion, as well as grace and beauty in the world of artistic expressions.

This is not gonna be the last time I write about my ocean liners in this blog. In the future, I have 3 ship-themed ocean liner entries I will be writing about - why I love ships; the REAL truths regarding the sinking of my beloved TITANIC; and, a special dedication to the Cunarder AQUITANIA in commemoration of her maiden voyage in May of 1914. As for Mr. Crispo, like an eager student, I look forward to any future additions he may add to the album "For Spice: Ships That Do Not Merely Pass In The Night" but even if he were to stop one day and say "This is complete" or "Enough now" I still will always treasure and keep close to my heart the images he gathered for an album I will never ever forget. I not only thank him for his artistic creativety and choices in producing the album, but I thank him even more for his warm friendship and for tapping into my soul in a way that no one has done in a very, very long time. Whether you truly appreciate the world of the great ocean liners as much as I do, or if you simply like to leaf through images of them, I encourage everyone out there to patronize Adam Scott Crispo's special ocean liner album, as well as explore what other fine curiosities he has in his shoppe. Both he and his exquisite tastes in collectibles are beyond extraordinary. Thank you again Adam, from the bottom of my heart and a special thank to all of you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Selfishness and Status Disclosure: From An Hiv+ Standpoint - Saturday, January 22, 2011

About a week ago the concept of selfishness in a certain context was brought to my attention and since I've taken some time to sit back and really think about it this weekend, I feel I'm ready to write about it. Dont get me wrong, the specific statement that compelled me to write about it this evening did not anger me per se but it did make an impact on me. The gest of what was stated/implied is this - anyone who is Hiv+ and is not 100% totaly open about it with the entire known universe is selfish, for whatever underlying reason(s), such individuals are 100% totally and undeniably selfish. What I actually wanted to say to the person who made this statement in reference to all Hiv'ers who are somewhat closted about their status, myself included, was this - "Who the fuck died and made you the god of Hiv/AIDS etiquette, Sparky???" But, since everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even when it is based on irrational, biased reasoning, I thought it best to simply bite my tongue. Well, my tongue has been hurting alot this past week, to the point where it's actually throbbing, so I must formally register my disdain with that statement, and the assumptions that accompany it, here-n-now.

But before I jump in, I wanna make something very clear to all my fellow Hiv'ers out there, but especially you newly diagnosed Hiv'ers. Please remember this above many of the things you have heard about being Hiv+ thus far - what works for one Hiv'er does not necessarily mean it will work or be appropriate for another Hiv'er. Whenever you question anything, especially whether how public or private to be about your Hiv status, remember, every situation is different and regardless of what I or any of the other Hiv'ers tell you, please keep foremost in your mind that you should do whatever you personally feel is best for yourself, your circumstances and your survival in this sometimes crazy, topsy-turvey world which we all live in. Yes, if you have any doubts about status disclosure, seek assistance for it, whether talking to a fellow Hiv'er, your medical and/or moral support teams, a trained professional counselor and so on and so on. Do not be influenced or coerced by anyone on sucha a very sensitive, private matter. Process all the information that you choose to gather on the issue of status disclosure and then make the most rational, logical decision for yourself.

There's a breed of Hiv'er out there who believes in 100% full disclosure in every single friggin scenario/situation in life and even with my being somewhat closested regarding my Hiv+ status, I most certainly do not have any problem with this type of Hiv'er. In fact, one of the many people who I admire most in the Hiv/AIDS world is such an individual and being open about his status every single which way he turns does indeed work out for him perfectly fine 101% of the time. However, be that as it may, he will be one of the first people on the planet to tell any and everyone what both he and I learned over 25+ years ago - what works for one person doesnt always mean it will work for everyone else. One should follow their gut instincts and take it from there. I agree with him wholeheartedly. However, there are others who think exactly like my friend does but they are not anywhat like him because they take the open-disclosure-of-status to a somewhat unnerving new extreme. It's that type of Hiv'er I have an issue with.

Their kind believes in shouting it from the friggin roof-tops, which is perfectly fine if that is how you the individual chooses to disclose your Hiv+ status. However, what makes their concept and the rationale behind it so unsettling is that this particular breed of Hiv'er will tell you how wonderful it was for them to do so or how much it literally saved their lives and how EVERYONE else on the planet should make the same exact decisions they did because there is no other way to live life as an Hiv'er or PWA, except their way. Uhm... I dont think so. I'm not saying that because I'm not totally out about my status as some others are, I'm saying that because following an example set by several or more folks could lead many people into making illogical decisions that could actually negate almost every other angle of their lives, again, depending on their individual circumstances because realistically speaking, we ALL have different circumstances. Now if any of you other Hiv'ers out there dont agree with me on this, fine, but for myself, I'll be damned if I'm gonna make such crucial, personal decisions about my life based on one or more person's personal experiences. Yes, I am more than open-minded to reviewing other peoples stories and making notes if I felt it was necessary to do so before making my ultimate decision but in the long run, just as you live life for yourself, you also wanna make your decisions based for yourself, not for anyone else.

Dont take the context in which I use the term "circumstances" lightly because I personally feel it is the key issue on whether or not determining when or how you disclose your Hiv+ status to the world. In a small-town or a major metropolitan city? Single or with someone? Working or close to being on disability? Barely making it or independently wealthy? The list goes on and on - the reasons why not to tell? Most certainly not - just a list of the factors that you need to take into consideration before making the decision that is not only the best decision for yourself but the right decision for yourself. Dont stress out about it, you'll know what the best thing to do is and remember, it's your life, if you wanna change your mind about this-or-that part of the decision-making process, that's totally up to you. As it should always be, after all, you're the one who has to live with yourself when all is said-n-done at the end of the day, not those other people who want you to live your life the way they see fit. Personally, I say look out for #1 regarding this issue because it's one of the most personal decisions you will ever make in your entire life.

Although we Hiv'ers are like everyone else out there on the planet - we come in all shapes, sizes, professional backgrounds, ethnic backgrounds, religions, etc., etc. - I've noticed that there is a predominant personallity makeup with these self-righteous, glorificating Hiv'ers as I'd like to appropriately call them. Such individuals will swear up-n-down "Well you know, it was the best friggin thing I ever coulda done with my life and because I did it and that was my experience, then goddamn it, you need to do it too!" Of course, such people who so fervently claim such a stance always always fail to factor in the circumstances of their particular life situations at the time of doing so. Did they do so totally on their own, or were they involved in a relationship at the time? Was their one or two revenues of income/financial stability at the time of their open disclosure? Did they happen to be barely making it or totally financially secure when disclosing their status? Do all these factors make any difference in the world? You goddamn bet your sweet ass they do. Because I'll make you a bet this very moment that if you, as an Hiv'er or any other Hiv'er you know, were to personally sit down and discuss with such individuals the circumstances at the time of their various public disclosures, and then compare your current situation with theirs, whether or not to disclose, with them knowing full-well the end results would be totally different when comparing the two scenarioes, nine times outta ten, such know-it-all-expert-Hiv'ers will tell you almost instantly "Oh well, this-or-that doesnt matter, you just need to do it, just do it!" Yet if you then ask them "Well, what do I do if this-or-that happens?" rather than be realistic and tell you that you need to have a back-up plan in place regarding practically every angle of full public disclosure, they wont tell you that. They are so consumed in their own personal, raptuous fantasy, they will say shit like "Oh, well, dont worry about that" or "Oh, well, that won't happen."

I dont know about the rest of you out there, but there is no fucken way I would allow anyone, including myself, to play Russian Roulette with my life, especially when it's something that may or may not very well affect my basic, daily survival. If you ask anyone else out there, Hiv+ or Hiv- or whatever, they will tell you the same exact thing I have shared with you in this piece. I'm serious. Anyone who states that being Hiv+ has become their personal savior is not dealing with a full deck of cards. Please dont misunderstand me, if being Hiv+ has indeed changed your life for the better and has influenced you to take the best damn care possible of yourself, as well as helped you grow and mature regarding life in general, then hey, I'll personally join you in shouting "Halleleujah!!!" from the mountaintops; but, for those people who literally overly-gloat about being Hiv+ as well as glorify this goddamned disease way above the welfare and safety of their fellow Hiv'ers, to the absurd level where they are putting the lives of their fellow human beings at risk, well, quite frankly, there is somethiing very VERY disturbing as well as mentally unbalanced about such behavior. Don't allow anyone to challenge you on your convictions because there are some people out there - such as the type of Hiv'ers I just mentioned to you - who there is no rationalizing and/or reasoning with. Their tunnel vision is something they have to live with, but it most certainly is not something you have to live with, unless you yourself make that decision.

I'm not gonna lie to anyone about this or any other angle regarding being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS - I dont have all the answers, but then again, I dont think anyone else does either. That too is yet another difference about the breed of Hiv'er that I have discussed in this piece with you, they think they have all the answers but they dont. They just might when it comes to their lives, but not yours. Actually, I should come up with a specific name for them because they are unlike any other variety of Hiv'er I've ever come across. Trust me, after living with this disease for almost 22 years, I've seen many different types of Hiv'ers come-n-go, let me tell you. So whoever you are, whatever you do, when it comes to being Hiv+ and who to tell and who not to tell, please, do yourself a favor, process all your informantion and then make the most positive beneficial decision(s) for yourself and again, remember, it's totally up to you, you're the one who calls the shots, no one else. Being a braggart is something I have never been, nor ever will be, but if you wanna go tit-for-tat on this selfishness/disclosure angle, look at it this way - aside from being fortunate enough to still be alive after all this time, long-term Hiv'ers such as myself havent survived this long by following other people's advice but by following our own instincts and being true to ourselves. If you can do those two things, you'll get much further ahead with your Hiv status and your life than anybody else, including yourself, could ever possibly imagine. Just remember, you're never ever totally alone. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Personal Thoughts of a Personal Page - Thursday, January 20, 2011

Looking at that title I still feel a bit uneasy entertaining the thought of starting my own "personal" or "fan" page as people call them, but a few close confidantes of mine have made the suggestion to me and after giving it a great deal of thought, I'm leaning more towards creating one. But I will admit, I feel kinda funny doing so not just because I'm modest (that's what others tell me) but because I've never been very big into self-promotion to begin with. I mean, I do have something to offer others - my friendship, commaraderie, compassion, someone who will always be there to listen and offer moral support whenever I possibly can. Perhaps even the morsels of wisdom I have learned over the years when it comes to life in general; but, like everyone else, I still have more growing to do too. I woulda entertained the thought of a personal page months ago but it's taken me awhile to step up to the plate of self-promotion due to the fact that I've always viewed myself as the average gay guy, like I always say, I'm just a very simple person, nothing fancy or glamorous about me. But if I do indeed make a positive difference in the lives of others as much as people have told me I do, then damn, I do need to put myself more out there.

Of course, you know with me, there's always a flip side to everything. I've always viewed tooting ones' own horn as a form of vanity and/or conceit, two words that have never been used to describe my personality, both online and offline. But if you have something to offer others, something you strongly and firmly believe in, even if it is just you, then you do need to get yourself out there. Then again, when you look at it that way, it almost sounds like you are prostituting yourself, a concept I've never been too keen on! Maybe that's too strong of an analogy to use in this context. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as indecisive as I have been about the personal page thing, that definitely is not the case regarding my self-confidence and self-esteem as an individual because if you can't love, as well as like, yourself, how can you expect others to?

In the past, a few folks have told me "Get your brand out there, Spice!" and I can see their point but even describing my person in that context almost makes me feel like I am detracting the human side away from HivSpice, as if I'm making myself into something plastic, a bankable commodity or what have you. I know to some out there my way of thinking on all of this may come across as extremely polyanna but people need to understand that I'm just one of those people who is extremely careful in not wanting to lose the real me, my inner essence in all this modern-day, self-promotional society stuff that some folks do indeed lose themselves in. That's never a good thing, cause if you lose yourself then you lose your sights on your purpose for being. Maybe I do think about things too much sometimes but I just wanna always be careful about staying true to myself.

As miniscule of a decision as it may be to most, creating a personal page is something that I think deserves a great deal of thought. HivSpice as a brand. I gotta admit, when I created him years ago I did actually daydream about the possbilities. T-shirts, bumper stickers, guest spots on this-or-that tv and radio programs, and the creme-de-la-creme of it all - sharing a speaking stage with some of the folks I have always considered the greats - Bobby Campbell, Vito Russo, Cleve Jones, Larry Kramer, and the list goes on and on. Okay, maybe I am daydreaming a bit too much on all of that but still, it never hurts to dream. Plus, all of it would be an extremely memorable tribute to the young man from Cape Cod/fellow Hiv'er who designed the logo that everyone sees on my Profile picture on Facebook. He was a good kid, a great guy and what better way to show him eternal gratitude, great respect and profound reverence, you know? I'm sure some folks may not think much of stuff like that but when someone has created something personally for me, I cant help but be genunitely moved by both the person and their talent. I suppose anyone coulda created that logo but the fact that it was created specifically for me is something I will always be in awe of. It's the thought, the principle, as it befittingly always is for me.

If creating a personal page is gonna promote awareness in the battle against the AIDS epidemic, as well as focus necessary attention on the other causes I personally believe in and support, then a personal page it will be. I realize that creating one is suppose to be mainly for the person who creates it but I dont want it to be all about me, I want it to be a mixture of all kinds of things, all good things. I probaly will put one together in the next several days or so. A few friends have also suggested that I do so since both the readership on my blog is increasing as are the amount of people who have been thoughtful enough to friend me. I guess it is a good idea but I really dont know how well it will take off as they say. I suppose it's worth a try but there still is that tiny bit of apprehension deep inside me. Naturally so too because as great as it all sounds in concept, everyone knows that the actual process of putting it all together is gonna have a rough spot or two in it for me due to the abscence of a certificate of computer saviness in my life! One thing's for sure, it'll definitely be a learning experience, without a doubt, that's for sure.

I'm still not 100% comfortable with considering or labeling people who would visit the page my "fans" because I just dont view myself as some famous luminary-like person. If one must use labels at all, I'd like to consider anyone who would visit the page as "acquaintances" or "friends" because doing otherwise would be implying that I am above or better than other people, of which I am neither, that is something I will remain adamant about till I breath my last breath. We're in this world together, we are all equal, at least in my eyes. And unlike several of my activist contemporaries I am definitely not out to win or compete in any popularity contests. I'm just here to be me and let's face it, we all cant be liked by everyone, there will be those out there who simply dont like a person for whatever reason. Oh well, at least I have a realistic, down-to-earth approach to all of this. Perhaps I do have a tiny bit of vanity in one angle of this personal page business - it sure would be a good opportunity to prove to those doubters still out there that you can be respected and/or like for simply being yourself, not because of some over-run publicity mill or because of knowing this-or-that person. Who knows, maybe it'd even be chance to prove that nice guys dont always have to finish last after all. Yes, anything that might be even remotely challenging is worth exploring.

So, I'll do it, I'll create a personal page in the near future, but only under the premise of unselfish benefit, in other words, attention and public awareness towards the various battlefronts in the war against AIDS and whichever other issues I feel are 101% worthwhile. If it will help educate others, then it'll be worth it. If it doesnt work, then I'll just delete it. Who knows, perhaps it will even be a page for people to exchange thoughts and ideas too. As long as it's all good, I'm all for it. Thank you for reading, as well as for listening everyone. Have a pleasent evening everyone. 

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

In Defense of Larry Kramer - Monday, January 17, 2011

Due to the fact that AIDS activist Larry Kramer is considered too "old school" for a good many my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists that are out there these days I'm confident that some of my readers will most likely skip over this particular blog entry of mine and that's fine because even though I do write to every member of my reading audience in mind, this piece in regards to all the critics of Larry Kramer, specifically those who have been ripping him apart since the publication of his most recent article "AIDS is a plague allowed to happen" as well as his volatile critique of Anderson Cooper's 360 program on CNN, "Hope Survives: 30 Years of AIDS" which aired this past Friday evening, January 14th, 2011. Unfortunately, I did not get the opportunity to view the program due to the fact that I failed to program the recorder before I left for work that morning; however, I do assume that CNN will rebroadcast it at some point in time so I do hope to view it in the near future. But I did happen to read Larry Kramer's article - several times as a matter of fact - and I found it extremely strong and powerful, shooting directly from the hip as Mr. Kramer has always done without fail for the past 30 years. Oh I know, alotta people complained about how negative, depressing and dismal the article was but I think it totally depends on what perspective you're viewing it from - from a realistic standpoint or from the ostrich-head-stuck-in-the-sand standpoint. Personally, I choose to view it from the former.

But before I go any further with my impression of Mr. Kramer's article, I just wanna state upfront right away that even though I have not viewed Mr. Cooper's AIDS special on CNN, I do not doubt for one second that Mr. Kramer tore his way in-above-and-around it with the fine-toothed, razor-edged thoroughness that he is so well-known for. It really pains me to say this but it still blows my mind that so many of the generations that came after his still do not grasp the power of his deep-seated anger and vehement diatribes, they still do not grasp the concept that it was these very same battle tactics taken by Mr. Kramer that not only set the world on fire, but literally changed the Hiv/AIDS world for the better. Not all anger is negative. It may start out that way but whenever something positive, something good for the sake of all others is born from it, then that is truly something wonderful to behold.

Am I gonna go ahead and lecture everyone about how much the Hiv/AIDS world owes a great deal of respect and reverence for the extraordinary contributions Mr. Kramer has made to it? The painstaking hours, weeks, months, and years of his life that he has sacrificed fighting for it? No, because as much as has given - and still continues to give - there are many many others who have also sacrificed of themselves for the welfare of others too. The only thing - and it's a very big thing - that Mr. Kramer has given of himself that no one else has is that he sacrificed his time, energy and efforts in the form of being a major catalyst for change. Nowadays we still hear that one person can indeed make a difference in the world and he is a prime example of that. You may not agree with his vicuous rhetoric or his wave-making philosophies but he has nonetheless made an irrefutable impact on the Hiv/AIDS world. Someone like Larry Kramer definitely does not need someone like me defending him, but it is both an honor and a pleasure to be able to do so.

But I wanna get to the heart of the matter of this piece. I wanna ask this question - exactly what is it really that pisses so many people off about Larry Kramer? I dont buy this bullshit that alotta my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists have been peddling about him lately - that he's too caustic, he's too angry, he's too demanding, he's too judgemental, he's sucha major pain-in-the-ass and the perennial "Who the hell does he think he is?" Just like the rest of us, Larry Kramer has every god-given right to be as upset, as angry and as volatile as he damn well pleases when it comes to the way that society and the world in general has regarded and treated us Hiv'ers and those with full-blown AIDS. There's alotta you out there that keep asking why, what is so goddamn good about that man's short-fuse, his quick temper, and his knack for jumping down both the medical world's and the government's throats on the drop of a pin? That's very easy to answer - because he and his tactics have always been a catalyst for positive change. That is something we all need to be extremely thankful for.

I think there is a lot more to people despising Larry Kramer and not just because of his attitude, his anger or his actual person. No, I think it goes way way beyond those things and do you wanna know what I think the problem is? Jealousy. One-hundred percent purely unadulterated human jealousy. Look, each and every one of us has our own distinct, individual voice, that is something that cannot be denied of any of us, not even Larry Kramer. Yeah sure, I'm more than certain there are also alotta folks out there who wish their voice was as influential and as often-consulted as Mr. Kramers is; BUT, just because CNN isnt contacting the rest of us and asking us "Will you give your take on this?" or "What is your take on that?" doesnt give anyone else the right to lose control of themselves and bash the fucking hell outta Mr. Kramer just for the sake of soothing the obviously-bruised egos that I see a TON of you out there exhibiting. I wanna get something straight here with all of you goddamn whiners out there - Larry Kramer may not have solely created the world of Hiv/AIDS activism, even as much as he still is a central part of it, but I've said it before and I will say it again - A LOT of you out there would not be where you are today if he himself had not laid down the foundation for many of us. Oh I know I know, you all have justfiably and legitimately busted your asses to make as much of a diffference as you do, but I also know for a fact that if any of you out there encountered the tremendous amount of mudslinging that has flown Larry Kramer's way, while you were reaching for the same goals and end results that Mr. Kramer has reached for, I would be very curious to see just who's scores would be better.

In fact, that's a damn good point right there. If any of you think you can do a better job than Larry Kramer has done, then why dont you stop your goddamn bellyaching, get off your friggin asses and start making a change? C'mon, step up to the plate, if any of your methods are allegedly so much more better than Larry Kramer's then please, by all means, put your money where your mouth is. Allow me to rephrase that - IF any of you can do a better job at it, knock yourselves out.

Here's another part of the real problem that many of you have with Larry Kramer. Reality. Each and every time any one of you chooses to read or listen to anything he has to stay, it just bothers the living fuck outta you and you wanna know the real answer why? Because he forces you to pause the pansy-ass dancing around ritual of attending this-n-that fundraiser and being photographed with this-n-that notable personality to face the cold, harsh realities of what it means to be Hiv+ and to have AIDS. His actions literally knock the living fuck outta the horrendous foundation of make-believe and pretendom that so many of you perpetuate and you all just cant handle it. Oh it's not that Larry Kramer cant handle his own anger or cant conduct himself properly in the eyes of the world - it's the rest of you out there, many of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activisits, that cant handle either of those things. None of you out there want the real world to see what a rough, frustrating, severely depressing, and in some cases, severely dehabilitating disease that being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS really is. In many of your minds it's like "Oh no, we cant let everyone else see what it's really all about, we have to make our public appearances, we have to be dressed to the nines for this-or-that photographic opportunity, we have to flaunt that we look like everyone else, that our lives are great and we basically have no problems whatsoever!" Not only is that type of attitude in the Hiv/AIDS worlds unrealistic as well as extremely misleading, it's also downright dangerous. Face it, the only reason a helluva lotta you are slinging mud at Larry Kramer is because he obliterates every single fake glorification of this goddamned disease that many of you out there perpetuated. It's pathetic, it's disgusting and you all should be ashamed of yourselves! Keeping it real folks, that's what it's all about and Larry Kramer knows that, he has always known it and let's call a spade a spade here - you abhor him because of it.

Frankly, it also literally blows my mind that I of all people have to even put forth the energy to explain to all of you not only how Larry Kramer's mind works but one of his true secrets in engaging people to get off their asses and do something about this horrible situation that most of us Hiv'ers and those with AIDS are in. Actually, for all the tauts that I've gotten because of my anonymity and for all the HORRIBLE things people have said about me, specifically several of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists, I should let all of you morons fucking figure it out for yourselves. However, unlike several of you, I'm not shallow like that. I have heart, I have compassion and I have a genuine drive for making a positive difference. By the way, those are the same exact things that set HivSpice apart from the rest of you self-proclaimed AIDS Guru wannabes out there. Here's why Larry Kramer painted sucha bleak, dismal, depressing epitaph on the Hiv/AIDS world most recently, both via that article and his knock-down-fight-offa-critique of Anderson Cooper's AIDS program - and it's for the same exact reason that great man has always picked up the pen and written - to GET PEOPLE TO THINK. TO GET PEOPLE TO GET OFF THEIR ASSES AND TAKE ACTION. There ya go. Every one of you who has constantly pissed-n-moaned and literally lost all senses of rationale and logical reasoning in your continous condemnation of Larry Kramer within the last 48+ hours simply can not, will not and do not comprehend that by spewing such flagrant venom all over the place, Larry Kramer is in essence the greatest and most effective motivational speaker in the Hiv/AIDS world. Yeah, it's that simple, that basic and again, you all should be ashamed of yourselves, of your substantial ignorance in not realizing this.

Dontcha guys get it at all? The very same exact things that you are castigating Larry Kramer for are the very same exact reasons of why he not only has been so successful as a catalyst for change in the Hiv/AIDS world, but also why he still continues to be an effective catalyst for change even in today's Hiv/AIDS world. Face it, Larry Kramer has more than secured his mantle, his belonging, his prescence, his whatever-you-wanna-call-it in our lives, in our world. He and what he stands for will ALWAYS be relevent in the Hiv/AIDS world and face it and many of you out there simply cannot handle that. You simply do not wanna accept what Larry Kramer has accomplished thus far and you wanna know why that is? Guess I'll have to be the one to spell it all out again - because there is NOT ONE of you out there (with the exception of myself and the people who know Larry personally) who has come to grips with the fact that Larry Kramer has accomplished all that he has via methods that many of you do not personally approve, as well as methods that you yourselves could never have the slightest notion on how to even begin to fathom. Backbone. Insufferable Backbone. Real. Reality. Nothing fake. No glitter. No glamour. Nobody comes as close to being a real man when it comes to all this bullshit except for Larry Kramer. And each and every one of you feels extremely threatened by that. I say again, shame on you. Shame on you for your extremely feeble attempts at stomping on a strong man who changes the world by simply opening his mouth and shooting out a 2 or 3 sentence disertation. Jealousy. Hypocrisy. Insecurity. Larry Kramer is none of those things, but I'm really curious, how many of you out there can claim as much?

And another thing. I've been wanting to nail folks to the wall on this one for a long, long time. Although I have no idea on how he personally has felt in the past regarding this, did you know that the term "AIDS Guru" originally comes from back-in-the-day when Larry Kramer co-founded ACT-UP? It was meant as a sign of deep respect and reverence for him, and it still is. However, I've noticed - actually, a day doesnt go by that it's not shoved in many peoples faces - that some of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists out there cast the definite impression that they should be considered America's next AIDS Guru. Oh really? I gotta little newsflash for you folks out there who think that way - until any of you out there decides to really grow up and take the bull by the horns like Larry Kramer has, you might as well put your heads between your legs and kiss your asses good-bye on that dream. You're never ever gonna be as influential as Larry Kramer is until you can start being honest and real like him. Doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

When I've written about Larry Kramer in the past a coupla folks wrote in to me and asked me "Well, you say all this now but what would YOU do if Larry Kramer came after you?" First of all, Larry Kramer does not now, or ever will, have a reason to ever "come after" me and if he did, naturally, I would stand my ground just as he stands his - with backbone. Not publicity mills, nor photos with this-or-that self-proclaimed-AIDS-Guru-wananbe, but with backbone, with my own person, just as he would. Second, and even more importantly, Larry Kramer doesnt pick petty shit-fits with people like some of you out there do. He's all about utilizing his life energy, not wasting it on prepubescent behavior. Yeah, really.

Though no one is perfect, though we all have our good and not-so-good qualities about ourselves as people, I, HivSpice, as well as I, the person behind HivSpice, will never turn my back on Larry Kramer. I've said it before and I will say it again - that man has done so much good for my generation and has made sucha positive, profound impact in the Hiv/AIDS world that to give him anything other than basic respect is just totally unacceptable in my eyes. If you dont agree with me, if you wanna hate the man all you want, that is your choice as well as your opinion. However, allow me to ask one more question before I close this piece. I dont know about everyone else but I treat others the way I'd like to be treated. With that being established, I'm curious, for those of you who so vehemently disagree with Larry Kramer, let me ask you this - how would you like it if everyone treated you the way you've treated him?  What's that you say? Somewhat of a different story when the shoe is on the other foot, isnt it? Yep, that's exactly what I thought. As much as I dont care to end my pieces with a cliche, just remember guys, people in glass houses should never throw stones. Thank you for reading. 

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo