Random Silly Thoughts For Tonight - Tuesday, March 8, 2010

Usually I pre-plan, put out a couple of drafts and then proof once or twice before I publish a piece in this blog but tonight I just wanted to kick back, let loose, and throw some random, perhaps even silly, thoughts out there. Relaxing as a writer is sometimes harder to do than the actual writing process itself but I think that's the case only if you make it that way. Every writer out there, whether beginning, amateur or professional needs to let their hair down once-in-awhile and simply chill-out.

Should I ever ever change my mind and reveal my full identity online, I think I'm gonna do it as a spin-off of the Wonder Twins superheroes from the Justice League of America cartoon series of the 1970's. Something like blending my two identities together (actually, I dislike that phrase because I really dont have 2 seperate identities - HivSpice is merely an extension of my real self), something along the lines of...."Wonder Twin powers activate!!!...form of a giant Red Ribbon!!...form of an aging 1980's gay beauty queen!!...." and then have my 2 online identities connect and merge into one. Kinda neat, huh? I know, I know, I need to readjust the amount of Combivir I'm on!

Theme songs. Now THAT'S something that none of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists have - a theme song. Maybe I'll be the first activist of my kind to do so. I really do think one of my most favorite songs of all-time, "Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money, featuring my beloved Ronnie Spector (the original Queen of Flouncing I might add) of the 1960's girl group, the Ronettes, would be the PERFECT theme song for me because of the beat, the somewhat mysterious, sexy undertones and the flouncing that takes place throughout the original video itself! I just love it! BUT, there of course is a flip side to all of this as well - the mixed message it could send out. It'd be like saying "Take home an Hiv+ person tonight and have your way with them!" or "Take the Hiv virus home with you tonight!" That's the only drawback of using that particular song and in this day-n-age where so many activists, including myself, are trying to promote much more effective and better Hiv/AIDS prevention messages than have been available in years past, I'm just not sure it'd be a good idea. Then again, on the flip-flip side, with the song and myself representing each other it could very well send out the message "Take your knowledge of the prevention of this disease home with you tonight and every night, always ALWAYS adhere to it." I do gotta admit though, it'd be a great song to use for entering and exiting a stage or public platform, as well as a good signaling song that ole' HivSpice is in da house. Guess I'll have to give it some more thought.

My Spice Jacket. When I first started writing this blog last year one of my earlier pieces was on the jacket I'd love to have specifically designed created for myself. Why wearing that thing alone would be like a breathing, walking, non-stop Hiv/AIDS public awareness campaign unto itself. Granted, it most certainly would draw a great deal of attention but that would be an excellent thing because that's what the world needs more of - continuous public awareness of this serious disease, as well as promoting acceptance of those of us who have it because with me wearing it folks would most likely say "Hey, he looks just like the rest of us" - a point that many a Hiv'er wishes the world would equally understand. We dont look like monsters from Mars or Death eating a coupla saltines extremely early in the morning hours, we look like everyone else, we act like everyone else, hell, we are everyone else. Of course, before putting the jacket on and hitting the streets (by the way, street activism is still very effective, has been ever since the early 1980's) I'd make sure I'd arm myself with condoms and the latest information pamphlets regarding Hiv/AIDS health statistics, dispelled stereotypes & myths, support systems information, testing sites, and any and everything else pertinent to the disease itself. I know, most folks would chime in "Dont forget the pepper spray, Spice" - nah, I wont be needing that. I may not be invincible but once people get a look at my size, I dont think there will be any problems whatsoever and dont forget, I not only have taken self-defense training, but I was raised by a US Marine. May the Universe itself protect any human that approaches me with any ill-intent whatsoever.

One other note on the Spice jacket - I think I might rewrite that piece and repost it in the near future. After all, I dont have alotta expendable cash these days and who knows, maybe someone out there who's an excellent seamstress might be able to advise me on how to create an affordable, realistic article of clothing which will represent one helluva huge statement upon its inaugural presentation, as well as many, many more to come after that. Hey, dont get me wrong, sure, it'd be a blast to go those hoyty-toyty, glittering fancy affairs like the majority of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists frequent so often (and hopefuly I will someday) but in the meantime, let me be on the streets, reaching out to the common, average folks like myself as well as those who are hard to reach; or, give me one of those big public rallies, those are the types of settings that someone like HivSpice was meant to be a part of, and an effective, productive part at that.

This was kinda fun, I should do this more often. I gotta get ready to leave work in a little bit and will autopost this right before I walk out the door. I hope everyone out there is having a fantastic night. Thanks for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Stalkingtime Again - Monday, March 7, 2011

I'm beginning to think its pointless even bothering to write about the subject of stalkers again but it seems that every time I turn around (or about once every 2 months) I end up attracting the attention of someone whose overall mental stability is fairly questionable. Now if I hadda real face and was in the headlines like some of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists are I guess I could understand someone becoming obsessed with me; but, a person with an anonymous identity? Now that's just downright pathetic. I mean, it's one thing to irrationally attach oneself to a celebrity such as a movie actress or a sports figure, but to live in a fantasy world where the nucleus of worship is a semi-closeted Hiv'er? Uhm, I think it's time to get some help - and fast! I used the term "semi-closeted" for there indeed are some folks who know who I really am; but, now I hope they finally understand why I am still so damn protective of my true identity. And how.

As I just indicated, this isnt the first time I've encountered what can be deemed internet stalkers and yes, I have written about them before and for the most part the approach of ignoring such people as well as deleting and blocking them from one's friends list has proved extremely effective so far. Yes, I say friends list because that's usually where they first latch onto you. Then within no more than an average of 3 weeks time, their true colors usually shine forth brighter than a sunspot zenith. It's kinda funny in a way almost - in real life, we can spot the average American whack-job walking down the street by merely observing their body language and facial expressions; but, just as with bullies, the anonymity of the computer screen allows stalkers to mask themselves, allows them to appear like ordinary citizens like the rest of us but as is usually the case, they usually betray themselves and show their true intentions due to at least 2 of their several stalker symptons. First, their extremely obvious emotional neediness, ya know, the clingy types. They will latch onto you like one of those early 1970's summer scabs you'd find forming on one of your skinned knee-caps, you know, the kind that you'd swear a teeny, tiny monster was living directly beneath because their ugly, stubborn insistence of remaining on your body for at least a good 2 to 3 weeks after first forming was so frustrating for a fidgety 7 year old to put up with. Like scabs on your knees, stalkers do eventually go away; but, not always.

Take my most recent one. She's quite a humdinger. Oh yeah, and before I go any further, I gotta ask this question out loud - why are the majority of my stalkers usually heterosexual females? Pardon me, but what the fuck is up with that? I have several straight female friends on my friends list who mean the world to me (they know who they are) yet every once-in-awhile, someone who apparently doesnt have both oars in the water seems to slide right by my detection sensors. What would someone like that have to gain from pestering the living hell out of someone like me? What possibly could they be lacking in their own lives that they think they can obtain from someone in my situation? I just don't get it.

I suppose the thing that really bothers me about this latest one is that she's doing something that I dont take too kindly to - she's literally go around and friending my friends; in other words, trying to insulate herself with my friends so that she feels like she's part of the group. Guess what my biggest problem with that is? No one asked her to be part of any group. Plus, can you imagine what any of my friends would say should she latch onto them as she has me? "What the hell is up with that one friend of Spice's who is bothering the hell outta everyone?" Though I rarely give a crap about what others think, in that scenario I do care, I care very much. Why I wouldnt even unleash someone like that on my worst enemies. Speaking of which, what my latest stalker doesnt realize is that not everyone on my friends list loves the living hell outta me, if you catch my drift. Oh my gawd, now that I think of it, wouldnt it be a hoot if she started latching onto some of those folks who dont care too much for me? Wow, now THAT's karmic retribution in full action, isnt it?  She'd actually be doing me a favor! Okay, okay, I'll stop laughing, I promise.

Since history dictates I can expect this kinda phenomena to continue on a regular basis, what do I do from here on out? Though I've always been both extremely and passionately respectful of honoring other folks confidentiality, when it comes to my stalkers, both current and future, I'm gonna throw my own rule right out the internet window. From this day forward, anyone who chooses to stalk me in any way, shape or form, is going to be warned just once and then publicly outted in this blog. For all the times that my stalkers, both past and present, have inundated me with in-box messages, interrupted my chat conversations with others who really needed somene to listen (remember, long-term Hiv'er survivors such as myself always make ourselves available to be there for others in any way we possibly can, it's sorta one of our life tenets, if you will) and who have suffocatingly hinged themselves on every single word I've ever written and posted, well,  you're finally gonna get your just rewards. Dont get me wrong, I care about everyone out there, Hiv'er and non-Hiv'er alike, but I gotta admit, it's kinda hard trying to be there for another fellow Hiv'er who is deathly ill when I got some needy, straight woman jumping up-n-down, all around me saying "Oh but look at me HivSpice!! I need help!! My problems need help too!!" Gee, sorry to hear that and you're right, you do need help but I can't help you, I have sick people who need my help and if you think for one second I'm gonna set aside their needs for someone who should be getting help from more appropriate resources, then you truly do live in a fantasy world.

Now if you're a heterosexual woman who just found out she is Hiv+ and you're having a really hard time dealing with the magnitude of your situation, there is a wonderful Hiv/AIDS support group here online for the newly infected which I can direct you to; but, other than that, ask yourself this - would you approach your local auto mechanic for a problem you're having with a dying philodendrum on your kitchen shelf? Exactly.

Well, one thing is for sure - this business of dealing with stalkers is living proof that I no longer need to validate who I am online. For anyone out there to become even the slightest bit stalker-like with me is living proof that I no longer need to prove that I'm just as real as the rest of you out there. Granted, I never wanted to come into my own via the tailcoats of stalkers but I guess if the message gets across, that's all that matters. But whoever you are and whatever you do online, please, do be careful because if this kinda crap can happen to me, it most certainly can happen to you too. Take good care of yourselves and those around you too. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

A Case of Unmistakable Identity - Sunday, March 6, 2011

Or perhaps the perfect alternate title woulda been "A Ghost from the Past." A very, very long time ago, not that many years after I created HivSpice, I became good friends with a guy whom I will aptly title "Buddy." Buddy because he was the type of friend whom you could talk to about anything under the sun and he'd be there to listen, to comfort and sometimes even cause you to break out in bouts of roaring laughter. He was a great guy all around but like the rest of us he was always looking for a better existence, a better life, a perfect niche in life where he would be totally and undeniably happy and content with life in general. Like a lot of folks out there, Buddy had won some major battles against a coupla personal demons of his - drugs and alcochol. When I knew him it was the year he was celebrating 8 years of sobriety on both of those counts - I was so extremely damn proud of him. Everybody who knew him was so damn proud of him.

One day he ran into someone online, a guy who would end up being his life partner, or so it was assumed all those years ago. The guy appeared to be a nice, geunine person, very goodlooking at that, a real hottie if you will, yet there was something about him that just didnt sit well with both myself and a few of Buddy's other close friends. There was something about this guy that just wasn't quite right. A few of us, myself included, shared our concerns about this with Buddy but as is the case in such life scenarioes, this was one of those times when it didnt matter who said what, it was one of those things that Buddy would have to find out for himself in order to believe it. He was very hesitant about uprooting his entire life in the part of the country where he lived and going to be with the guy, but even so, he did indeed make the move and less than a year after that happened, we all heard less and less from him. In fact, the last time I was in actual contact with him I asked him "Are you okay? Is everything going okay, Buddy?" He responded that it was but the tone in his voice was actually somewhat unnerving. So many times in the English language we use the word "distraught" over and over again, sometimes even too much, but that day, that conversation, that moment, is probaly the first time in my entire life that I actually expeirenced what that word truly meant because that is exactly how Buddy sounded, utterly and completely "distraught." As if there was something he wanted to say, that he wanted to tell me, yet for some unknown reason at the moment, he in some inextricable way could not say a word to me about it.

After that conversation, it was as if he fell off the face of the earth. Oh hey, that's not always sucha bad thing - when you find that special someone in your life why on earth wouldnt you spend the majority of your time totally focused on that person and the goings-on in that particular universe? Naturally if a person is even the most average of internet junkies, it's a well-known and perfectly acceptable fact of life that a person is gonna spend less time on the internet as usual. Be that as it could be, I always hadda bit of a feeling that it was something more with Buddy's situation though I could never actually put my finger on it. Soon after I came to miss him even more than I already had. Then one day I and the others stopped hearing from him all together and try as we all did to keep in touch with him, we just never heard back from him anymore. Whether online or even in real life, people can and do enter into our lives outta the blue and sometimes they slowly exit that way as well, nothing you can do about it, you just hope the best for them and march onward with your own life.

Then a coupla nights ago something that I never thought in a million years would happen to me online did indeed happen, though I didnt come to the full, actual realization of it till a few hours ago. I kept seeing a picture of this one guy online and every time I viewed it I said to myself "Hey, he's very good-looking, I sure wouldnt mind spending some time him someday!" and then thought nothing of it. Then it hit me this morning. I didnt find his picture so appealing because he's so physically attractive, I found it so appealing because I indeed knew who that person was in the photo. No, not Buddy, but the guy he pulled up stakes for and moved to be with. Let me tell you, I almost wet me-self when I realized who I was looking at. But here's the real kicker of it all....

The photo of this man is the same identical photo that I saw all those years ago! Now that unto itself should not be as much of a shocker as it is due to the fact that there are tons of people out there who post decades-old photos of themselves online and say "See, this is me, this is what I look like now." Yeah, and I'm secretly composer Hoagy Carmichael in disguise. Uh-huh. Hey, I'm not here to judge the guy or anyone else for that matter who does such things; but, I do have some questions about all of this: if this guy is using the very same photo that I saw more than 12 years ago, then what indeed does he really look like to begin with? I mean, was the photo I saw of him back in 1998, which is indeed without a shadow of a doubt the same exact photo that I have viewed several times this past week, the real him to begin with or not? Moreso, why is there no mention of Buddy anywhere on his internet profile? What exactly did happen betweem him and Buddy? Granted, the answers to that last question are, yes indeed, none of my damn business; but, I think it's extremely odd that he and Buddy were suppose to be a match made in Heaven all those years ago yet it's as if he never existed. Or could it be that this man has created this particular internet profile unbeknownst to everyone else in his life?

I suppose that at this juncture of the mystery and amidst all my heart-felt speculations, some people would most likely throw their hands up in the air and say to themeselves "Well this is just totally ridiculous! I'm just gonna go ask the dude what the deal is and find out what really happened to Buddy!" Yes, I suppose I could do that but thanks to the convenience of anonymity here on the internet, there is not one golden rule that states that the guy is required to tell me anything regarding the whereabouts of Buddy. In addition, since there is no mention of Buddy in connection with him anyways, what's to say that whatever he would choose to tell me about Buddy is factual to begin with? It's kind of ironic in a way but I guess it is true what they say - if you wanna lose someone on the internet, whether it be yourself or someone else, apparently it is very possible to accomplish sucha feat.

My next plan of action? Nothing, simply nothing. I suppose the real reason I wrote about any of this in the first place is because the only thing that is the same from all those years ago is, literally, myself. I'm the same exact person I was 12+ years ago except that I like to think I have changed for the better, that I am more mature, more wiser. I guess that's the best any of us can hope for. I mean, I've always wondered to myself from time to time "Will there ever be a direct connection between who I was in the early history of Spice to the current Spice of 2011, or will the two forever remain as a past seperated from the present and the future?" And in a way I think I've answered my own ponderings, my own question - there is always some connection, whether significant or not, between who we were, who we are now and who we may or may not become in the future. Funny, but I never thought I'd consider an absent friend as a direct link between my past and my present. But, I think one of the most important things is that we do our best to make certain we dont lose ourselves and who we really are along the way, whether it's between our past and present, or not. I hope that didnt happen to Buddy and I hope that wherever he may be, I hope and pray that he is safe and doing well.

As for Buddy's guy? Well, I have nothing to gain whatsoever in approaching him now, anymore than what I may or may not have discovered had I approached him years ago, because again, the guy doesnt owe me a thing just as much as I dont have the right to ask anything of him. So, whoever he really is, whatever he has done in the past and whatever he may contemplate doing in the future, I'll just keep my mouth shut, play along whenever I encounter him and when others comment on whatta great guy he is I'll just say "Yep, uh-huh, that's so true, you're so right" and the other various accolades that others give to people whom they think they know. After all, its we blondes, not other people, who are noted for being knieve about the world around us, Yet another thing people think they know. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

For Friendships New - Friday, March 4, 2011

Actually, the requests I am about to mention here shouldnt be specifically directed towards just any new and incoming friendships that I may find myself encountering from here on out, but also towards all existing friendships too. I do appear to write about the subject of friendship on quite a regular basis but perhaps that's because it's something that is a very important part of my life, it's something that means a great deal to me. Be that as it may, I have a couple of requests that I would like to make in regards to any new incoming friends I make along the internet way, as well as towards those who are my existing friends.

First, I would like to request of all of you that as we build our friendships together to try to abide by the following creed - that we as friends agree to disagree with each other and that regardless of how frustrated or angry we may become with each other we both realize that our viewpoints/opinions are mere collections of words; and, that those collections of words are NOT worth disassembling a friendship over. I can only speak for myself. Just because a heated debate may develop between myself and one or more other individuals, it does not automatically mean that afterwards I hold any harboring resentment towards those whom have a differing viewpoint from my own. Now on the other hand, if the subject that is being debated is one of those that the other person simply cannot neutralize themselves on, then please, at least be man or woman enough (depending on one's gender) to step up to the plate, make a general statement such as "I'm sorry, I cannot and will not alter my opinion on this, therefore we can no longer be friends" and be done with it - okay? This bullshit about people being judgemental, holding grudges and other pre-pubescent-like behaviors needs to stop. It's silly, it's petty chickenshit and frankly, I simply dont have the space for it in my life. Neither should any of you.

Second and similar in vein to what I just discussed in the above paragraph, should any of you ever find yourselves electing to "hide" my posts in the open newsfeed section of your homepage will you please do us both a big favor and simply delete me from your friends list? I'm serious. When you do something like that, it's equivalent to saying to the other person "Look, I really dont care what you have to say, nor do your viewpoints/opinions mean a damn thing to me, so be gone with you." Here's my point - if you dont care what the other person has to say, then why would you continue to keep them on your friend list? Even moreso, how can you, in good conscience, claim that person is your friend? It just doesnt make sense. Such rationale defies every single iota of logical, rational thought that exists out there on this great big planet of ours. Look, if you dont want anything to do with another person then get rid of them, put them outta of your life for once-n-for-all. Friendship is a two-way street and if you're not gonna give the other person the benefit of that fact, then you really arent a true friend to them to begin with, are you? I dont know about the rest of y'all, but I dont take too well to one-sided friendships. In fact, they're actually one of my personal pet peeves. So from here on out, if anyone contemplates doing that with me, please, just give me the good ole' heave-ho instead because that would be the more honest, respectful and civilized thing to do, okay? Thanks.

No, nothing has happened to upset or anger me in the slightest bit, it's just that I've been meaning to write about this subject for quite some time now but every time I turned around to pen it, there was always some other pressing issue that demanded just a bit more immediate attention, so I thought today would be a good day to throw all the cards on the table regarding it. Hopefully everyone will be able to respect where I stand on these issues but if not, oh well, it wouldnt be the first time I've pissed people off and I highly doubt it will be the last time either. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Regarding ABC's "What Would You Do?" Segment on Hiv/AIDS - Thursday, March 3, 2011

A few nights ago, a fellow activist, as well as someone I consider a good friend, Tom Donahue (founding director of whospositive.org), shared a link with me of ABC television's "What Would You Do?" segment series regarding Hiv/AIDS, which aired Friday evening, February 18, 2011. When Tom first sent me the link to the program I commented on how great I thought it was that he was getting the word out on it and just as I was about to view it for the first time, a very sick friend called to chat on the phone; so, I had to postpone viewing it till the next opportunity to do so arrived. Well, such an opportunity arrived yesterday afternoon while I was on my lunchbreak at work on my 1st job. When I viewed this program for the very first time, the emotional reactions that resulted were in a spectrum that ranged from pure rage and sadness, to tears of gratitude and hope for the future, and everything in-between. Knowing how reactive I get to watching such programs, I thought to myself "Okay ole' Spicey, just calm down, chill out, and let's watch this baby a 2nd time just to make 100% certain that you are right on target with all this stuff." So I did view it a 2nd time and thank God everyone else in my office area was literally out to lunch that afternoon because after the second viewing, my emotions were uncontainable. My emotional state of mind was totally overwhelming and looking back in retrospect I really do wish I woulda viewed this television segment AFTER I got home from work late Monday night, because within me raged a plethora of both negative and positive emotions that moved me so deeply that it indeed has forced me to thoroughly circumspect my own life.

In addition, from beginning to end, this "What Would You Do?" segment was excellent programming to say the least. Now I could go through every single shot and scene of what I saw and how I reacted to everything within that piece but I'm not going to because I sincerely want everyone out there, whether you're an Hiv'er or not, whether youre a cardcarrying member of the greater LGBT and Hiv/AIDS communities or not, EVERYONE, to sit down and watch this. And when you're done watching it, I want you to think about how you would feel and how you would react if you were in the same exact shoes as the actor Danny Logan was. Though some of the other people in that program were actors, the majority were not; so please, view it, think about it and form your own stance on it. For those who missed it's original air-date (as did I, had to work that night). Tom Donahue graciously shared the link with me to share with everyone and IF for some reason this doesnt work, then please feel free to visit my homepage on Facebook where you can view it via the link which Tom originally shared with me. The link Tom sent me is....http://tiny.cc/whospositive_Journal.

As for how I reacted to the parts of the program that set me off inside, I'm not even sure I can writing about them without this computer screen beginning to sizzle left-n-right, but I'll give it a try. I guess the best place to begin is the anger, the rage and the shocking disbelief I experienced when I saw how the other diner patrons reacted towards Danny Logan's announcement that he is Hiv+. Although there were several diner patrons in each scene that did stick up for him (Yes!! Way to go, good decent people out there!!) there were a coupla folks (one played by a fellow actor of Danny's) that literally made the hair on my back raise up. Actually, truth be told, I actually felt my adrenalin gland gearing up to kick into instant overdrive. When I saw those people treating him so cruelly just because he is Hiv+, it cut right through to my bones because as a fellow Hiv'er, I could easily visualize so many of us going through the same exact scenarioes that Danny did. I became so extremely mad at those people and the way they treated Danny like some subservient creature lower than the human race that it was one of those extremely rare times where I just wanted to climb through my computer screen, grab all those folks by their necks and say "Listen here you sonnsabitches, you leave that kid alone or you're gonna have me to deal with!!" I realize that as an actor playing a role, as well as a human being, that Danny Logan is no kid; but, since I am older than him and have been Hiv+ longer than him, being the type of person I am it's quite natural for me to sorta feel that parental twinge flairing up when I watched certain scenes in the program. 

What amazed me even more was not just how people could be so crude and demeaning towards another human being, but something else that "What Would You Do?" shared with the general public - that when it comes to the issue of Hiv/AIDS, there are still just too many people out there who are 100% ignorant and uneducated regarding the basic facts of this disease. You cannot contract the Hiv virus from someone who prepares and serves your food to you, let alone from someone sneezing around you or any of the other absurd assumptions which were illustrated in the program. It's impossible! The ONLY ways you can contract the Hiv virus are the same exact ways that they've always been since the disease was first discovered over 30-some years ago: through unprotected sexual activities, through infected blood and if a person is/was a drug-user, through using infected needles. You cannot contract it from someone who is Hiv+ serving your food to you. You cannot contract it from sharing a glass of water or even a plate of food with someone who is Hiv+. And, you definitely cannot contract it from sitting next to someone in a restaurant, or any other public place for that matter.

I guess that's one of the things that pained me the most about the entire program - after all these years of fighting tooth-n-nail to get through to people how you can and cannot contract the Hiv virus, people are still so extremely misinformed about it all. It just would make all those Hiv/AIDS activists who came before me simply roll over in their graves if they could see the sheer lunacy of it all. Bottom line - you cannot become Hiv+ via casual contact with someone AND, unless they changed it without telling me, being Hiv+ and having AIDS are two totally different things - just because you are Hiv+ does not mean you have AIDS - you are not considered having full-blown AIDS until your T-cell levels have dropped below 400. There is a difference and people need to know that.

When I finished viewing the program, naturally, I did sit down and look at my entire life circumstances and asked myself "Well Spice, what would YOU do IF the same things that happened to Danny happened to you?" Truth be told, and those of you who are my regular readers already know this, I have been in similiar scenarioes which I have previously shared in this blog, but in regards to what happened at the Colonial Diner in Lyndhurst, New Jersey, where Danny was at? I would have done the same exact thing that some of those other diner patrons did - I woulda stuck up for Danny and defended him left-n-right, regardless of what the consequences woulda been for me getting involved in the situation. I wouldnt have given a rat's ass, I have said this before over-n-over again and I shall say it again - why is it so damn hard for people to understand, even here in the year 2011, that people are NOT for hurting??? It doesnt matter who they are or what their medical circumstances are, PEOPLE ARE NOT FOR HURTING. You do not do it. It is NOT right. It is WRONG. It does NOT take a friggin rocket scientist to figure that out (by the way, animals are NOT for hurting either, but that too should go without saying). When you choose to hurt other people, then you set yourself up to get hurt too cause I'm here to tell you, karmic retribution is a fucken bitch. I mean it. We're suppose to be here to help each other, not hurt each other and especially not to make other peoples lives miserable. Why is it so hard for the human race to understand that? I just dont get it.

Oh, and by the way, yes, even with being anonymous with my Hiv+ status, I would STILL stand up and defend the honor of Danny Logan as well as anyone else who would ever have the misfortune of encountering the same exact scenarioes Danny did. Under those circumstances, I wouldnt give a flying fuck who knew because when you're out there standing up for what is right, there are times when your own personal preferences and/or circumstances definitely take a back seat to everything else - and the aforementioned scenario would be one of those times. At least for me it would be, I cant speak for the rest of you; BUT, I would hope y'dall stand up for your fellow human beings and do the right thing. Of course, it was those junctures in the programs where my tear ducts went into overdrive - I kept thinking "How could anyone with even a quarter of a human conscience mistreat another human being so horribly!?!" And when various diner patrons came to Danny's defense - the pregnant lady who invited him to join her and her group for dinner; the one of two women having dinner together who piped up; and, the 19 year old kid who piped up even more, I just lost it because it was so moving, so compassionate, that it did make me realize that there still are good, decent people out there and that there is always ALWAYS hope for the future.

Aside from me verbally speaking up and out, is there anything else I woulda done? Well, I gotta be honest here. Most of you who know me already know that I do NOT believe in physical violence of any kind whatsoever UNLESS it's strictly an issue of self-defense, like if someone is pounding on you to kill you, hell yes, I believe in fighting back 100%. In addition if someone is flagrantly bullying the living hell outta you and there literally is no avenue in which you can walk away and you simply cant take it anymore, yeah then too, but again, that falls under the arena of self-defense as well because either way, the other individual is inflicting one or more kind of harm on you. Be that as it may, there were a coupla junctures in the program where I think it MIGHT have escalated beyond verbal for me. No, I'm definitely not the type of person who walks around looking for a fight but I learned very early on (most likely from being raised on military bases here-n-there) that if you dont stand up for yourself, people are gonna steamroll you every chance they get. So you stand up strong like Danny did and you dont waver. 

As for the junctures of the program where it might have gone beyond verbal for me, the 1st woulda been the scene where the one male diner patron (portrayed by an actor) harassed the hell outta Danny for serving him a plate of food. Let me tell you - and I kid you not about this - had I been in the dinner when that happened, I probaly woulda flown right off the handle! I'm serious. I woulda gone up to that guy and said "Excuse me, but you cant get it from him serving you food, but I think it's time for you to leave anyways, Sparky!" And if he wouldnt get the message? Then the piece-de-la-resistance. As he was leaving I'd walk up to him really fast and say  "Oh, by the way, I have it too" then I woulda taken my tongue, licked one of his cheeks and said "There's your desert! Bon Appetit!!" Hey, dont get me wrong, I'm not Rambo-esque by any means, but if someone were to attempt to degrade me or any of the folks I care about, let's just say it'd be best if those people would proceed with great caution.

The 2nd time woulda been when that one woman diner patron (played by an actress) starting flipping out after being handled a menu Danny handled and how she kept ranting on and on. I know some people might not be too happy with me after stating this, but as I've said before in this blog - if you're going to instigate something with me, I dont care what gender you are, whether you are male or female or even somewhere-in-between, you're gonna stop under your own cognizance and if you dont, then I will make you stop. There's at least 2 scenarioes that might have happened had I been there. I either would've gotten up and said to her "Excuse me, that's my boyfriend you're talking to Lady and you cant get it from him handing you a menu, serving you your dinner and so on. So you gotta choice Princess, you either shut the fuck up or you leave. I suggest you choose very wisely." Or, I woulda simply stood up, tapped her on her shoulder and said "Excuse me, I'm the garbageman and I'm here to take out the trash. You have about 35 seconds to get ready, Sweethaht."

Those examples I just shared with you are EXACTLY how I would react. I can be as calm and mature as the next person and simply ignore it all and walk away. However, there are certain times in life where being calm and mature does not solve the problem, and such scenarioes as portrayed in "What Would You Do?" are definitely such certain times. Sometimes you just gotta jump up, jump in, lay it on the line and be done with it. What if my verbal reactions woulda resulted in something more? Well, let's just say, that if you're gonna stand up for what is right guys, you gotta instantaneously make a commitment to yourself to stand strong regardless if someone is throwing words or punches at you. Hey, it's totally a matter of personal choice, what works for one person may not work for another but that's always a chance you take whenever you stand up for what is right and what is just. I too firmly believe that physical confrontations are not the route to go, that any and every kind of problem can and should be addressed by open communication by all parties involved in the matter, until it's resolved; however, if people are gonna be foolhardy enough to push certain envelopes further, then that falls into the realm of it being their problem, not yours and not mine. Yeah, it really is that simple.

As for circumspecting my own life, wow, "What Would You Do?" really made me take a good, hard inner look at myself. I've always done my fair share of Hiv/AIDS education work as well as preventive campaigning against this disease but watching what took place in this program made me realize that we all have to do much more on this front. So starting this week, right here-n-now, I've made the decision that I'm gonna attempt to become more involved on the national front when it comes to all of this. In other words, instead of existing justa tiny bit below the radar, I'm gonna become more visible, more active with several of the organizations I am already affiliated with. I dont know if it will make any difference but damn, I just cannot in good conscience stand by and watch the shit that happened on that program have the opportunity to happen in other points across America. The only way to combat such unacceptable behavior in the human race is to stand up against it. I know I can do it. Besides, there's nothing stating that when I attend meetings and/or health summits that I am required to sign in on the roster under the name "HivSpice." I'll simply use my real name, my real person and as for email addy, hell, I'll just dust off one of my old auxilary accounts and we'll both be good to go. HivSpice with his internet activism and the real me with my real life activism. Why wait until I come outta the closet as a totally open Hiv'er? There's no time for that kinda thing anymore, the time to stand up and be accounted for is now. Besides, nothing wrong with a good healthy balance between the two, is there? Thank you for reading and hey, don't forget to watch that program guys. Thanks much.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Of Vampires & Werewolves - Monday, February 28, 2011

Actually, no, this isnt gonna be a disertation on how much I adore films such as the "Twilight" series and the most recent remake of "The Wolfman" (though it is the truth in both cases!), nor am I jumping up-n-down right now saying "I do believe in Vampires & Werewolves, I do believe in Vampires & Werewolves!!"; but, I would like to discuss the aforementioned subjects in certain terms because I think there are some questionable aspects regarding the subjects of Vampires and Werewolves which are very rarely discussed, and with the fairly decent success rate of those two aforementioned film franchises, what better time to discuss such things?

But there is an observation I'd like to share with everyone out there about both the "Twilight" film series as well as "The Wolfman" film (oh, there better be a sequel to that one!) For some unexplainable reason, the majority of my fellow LGBT brothers & sisters who have viewed such films have depressingly exclaimed to me "Oh, I (or we) didnt get anything outta those films." You mean nothing, nothing at all? I'm curious, how so? I mean, each one of those films is basically a true love story with a few dashes of supernatural actions thrown in for good measure. How anyone cannot appreciate those films for the ideology they represent - that true love, against all the odds from two different worlds, can conquer all when two people really truly love each other - is definitely beyond me. I find that aspect of those films not only fascinating, but it also makes their storylines extremely interesting as well. The relationship between Bella (a human) and Edward (a vampire) is comparable in its variables just as much as a relationship between an Hiv'er and a non-Hiv'er is (just one example); the parallels between the two are undeniable. Oh I know, there may be some folks out there who might exclaim "Geese Spice, how the hell can you make sucha comparison??" and all I can say in response to that is "Geese people, you all need to calm down and getta hold of yourselves, it's just a film for pete's sake!" Anyways, onto the subject material....

It has been said for many decades now that there is some teeny, tiny kernel of truth in every bit of fiction, myth and/or legend that exists out there on this great big planet of ours. Yes, I do believe there is some truth to that statement but I am also convinced that there are alotta things in this world that there simply isnt a logical explanation for. Do I personally believe in Vampires and/or Werewolves? Quite honestly, I am not saying yes and I am not saying no, and all because of what I just stated - there are so many things that our modern science and modern technology simply cannot provide a legitimate theory or explanation for. I'm not talking about fear or lack of knowledge of the unknown, it's just that I think it's a very simple issue that no matter how much such things as Vampire and Werewolf theories have been explored, investigated, and written about, there simply isnt enough tangible proof out there to prove that they do or do not exist.

Sometime when you getta chance, review all the plausible, as well as non-plausible theories, about each of these creatures that still circulate out there after all these centuries. Before there were any blockbuster films and/or computer games regarding Vampires and Werewolves, there were the medieval and Native American myths and legends about their existence. For those who ignore all those "Old World" and "New World" stories about both kinds of creatures, such individuals emphatically claim that such beings have never existed, that they are totally man-made like some fantastical-fairytale-on-modern-steroids gone awry. And of course, none of us is unaware of how people with certain medical and/or mental conditions can mimic the stereotypes of both Vampires and Werewolves, and that such real-life conditions are the real-life basis for all those silly stories. In fact, in the last 30 years or so there have been more stories and/or documentaries debunking the existence of both Vampires and Werewolves than anything else and that's fine-n-dandy, notta problem with me personally; however, by society and the world in general jumping on every single imaginable bandwagon claiming that neither of these creatures really really exists to begin with, in reality, when you think about it, such widespread dismissal is actually creating and providing a reverse atmosphere for such creatures to exist in the first place. No, I'm still not saying that such creatures are real, but let's take this just one more step further, shall we?

Strictly hypothetically speaking, let's entertain the following scenario for just a minute or two...let's say there really was a real-life Vampire or Werewolf running around in one of our local communities. Let's say that like in all the books and movies, sucha creature is demonstrating the usual stereotypical killing/feeding habits of its nature and the local forensics unit stumbles upon clear-cut, undeniable proof that sucha creature was indeed at fault for whatever was going on. Normal common sense would dictate that if the mystery of such a scenario was proven to be legitimately true, the proof would need to be presented to the general public and dealt with accordingly. Yeah, great. But, in our modern age, here in the year 2011, it has been ingrained into our minds, our way of life, that IF there was that one-in-a-trillion possibility that either such creature did indeed exist we are collectively, psychically attuned to invalidate its existence. In other words, I think that by so vehemently denying the existence of creatures such as Vampires and Werewolves, the world in turn is granting its permission for such creatures to exist. By denying their existence, it is not holding such creatures accountable to the laws of the universe that govern each and every one of our lives. Yes, continously refudiating that they indeed do not exist is like saying "Keep doing whatever it is that you're doing because you're not real anyways, you dont exist, so that's okay to keep right on doing what you're doing." Although I am discussing all of this in strictly hypothetical terms, you gotta admit, everything that I have just said does indeed make perfectly logical common sense.

I've said this more than once before in this blog, that I dont have all the answers to every mystery and paradox within the universe as we all know it but when I was growing up, I was taught from a very early age onward to never mock or make fun of things that I and/or others dont totally understand, to never form an opinion or theory on anything until I have all the information, all the facts, all the falsehoods, processed and in front of my eyes. Personally, I think that's a good very attitude to grow up with because it not only fosters a person to keep an open mind but it also teaches them to be more respectful of others and the world around us.

Usually during our childhood years, many of us hear stories about creatures such as Vampires and Werewolves and think stuff like "Oh my gawd, wouldnt that be so neat and kewl to be immortal? To never grow old? To have superhuman strength? To live on and on forever??" Even as an adult, I gotta admit, such thoughts are indeed entertaining to say the least - I mean, who wouldnt want to never grow old, to never have wrinkles, to never be sick again, to never have physical illnesses or pains ever ever again? Hell, it'd be like a dream come true for so many of us but unlike children, we adults already know there is a flip side to everything, even a flip side to something such as immortality. And justifiably so. Because the flip side of immortality that actually makes me feel practically overjoyed to be a human being, yes, even an Hiv+ human being at that, is this - who in their right mind would consciously choose to outlive every single person in the world they truly loved? Not just your husband, wife or significant other, but your family, both biological and extended, your friends - who would want to be that alone, for that long, for forever? Definitely not me. Of course, some of my history buff friends have commented over the years "To be immortal, think how one could sit back and watch the world change and evolve, and watch history unfold." Uhm that's fine-n-dandy guys, but isnt history taking place right this very moment, I mean, why not just appreciate what history is taking place in the here-n-now? Dont forget, even though they say all change is good, we as adults know that there is always a mixture of both good and bad changes in the world. Who in their right mind would wanna spend forever watching something like that happen, over and over again? Not me, after all, why watch history when you should be enjoying what there is of life? Granted, in a perfect world, to be immortal with the person you love the most would be the perfect scenario; but that's just it - whether one is mortal or immortal, we all know that the world is not a perfect place, never has been, never will be. And that's okay, that's the way it should be, because that's the way it's always been.

Let's face it, whether you believe in Vampires and Werewolves or not, I dont think something like immortality is all that it's cracked up to be. Seriously. Think about it. Who the hell would wanna be a Vampire in the year 2011? It's kinda funny when you think about it - how would you tell a Vampire "Hey Sparky, you gotta learn how to practice safe-sex" when their main sustenance, human blood, is one of the most effective ways to spread the Hiv virus? The same goes for Werewolves too - how do you tell a Werewolf "Uhm, you know that deer or two that you just had for a midnight snack? Well, I hate to break it to you Sparky, but now you got Lyme Disease!! Astalevista, motherf--ker!" No, I'm not mocking or making fun of either creatures, just using a bit of humor to prove a point and that is this - I dont think it's ever really been an issue of whether or not a person believes in Vampires and Werewolves, I think its more of an issue of how applicable their existence would be to our modern-day world in general. In other words, in this day-n-age, I dont think life would be any easier for those creatures than it currently is for the rest of us. Please dont tell me that you cant see both the irony and the humor in all of that. Okay, you can tell me that, but just make sure you do so while wearing a necklace of garlic or not during a full moon night, capice? In the meantime, I'll just keep waiting for "Eclipse" to make its premiere on Showtime as well as for "The Wolfman II" to start full production. Nitey-Nite! And as always, thanks for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Epilogue: On Internet Bullies & Organized Religion - Monday, February 28, 2011

For those of you who did choose to read my piece from yesterday, as you may recall I had alotta crap to get off my chest and I have no regrets whatsoever in doing so. I wish we all could unleash against our bullies like I did but I also understand that in almost every bullying situation the circumstances vary greatly. Regardless, I think it's very important to stand up against any form of bullying as often as we can because nobody ever deserves to be treated that way by another human being. Be that as it may, I have one more thing I'd like to say about internet bullying, a realization that I arrived at thanks to several conversations that I have had in the past with a very close friend of mine. From these conversations, an idea was born that I'd like to share with you.

I think that it would be in the best interests of its users if Facebook were to form some type of regulatory advocacy commission or department that would directly addresses issues such as internet bullying and/or harassment amongst its users. Allow me to explain why I think this would be very beneficial to everyone out there. Did you know that in these bullying scenarioes, as well as practically every other internet scenario out there, that without any legitimate rhyme-or-reason whatsoever, if a certain amount of complaints are filed against any individual they can literally get their Facebook account shut down and closed for good? It's true. In other words, if any of us, whether it be you, me or the little girl who lives down the lane, says or insinuates anything deemed offensive, obscene or threatening by another individual, we can be reported and lose our accounts without any fair or just trial, without even having the opportunity to explain and/or defend our statements and/or intentions? It's true. And it's wrong. Facebook wants each and everyone of us to consider each of our homepages our own little piece of personal property on the greater worldwide web; yet, the bottom line is that whether we like it or not, if some miserly dictator-like personality pisses-n-moans enough about us, it's POOF!!! and we are history. Sad and unfair, but very true nonetheless.

Granted, the majority of us who are online are not moronic idiots (okay, perhaps a select few, but you know what I mean) for there is always some way to navigate around such irrational censorship realities. I'm sure that like myself there have been many of you who have seen their friends disappear because their accounts were shut down for whatever imbecillic reasoning, only to resurface again and again because in reality I think those folks feel exactly like the rest of us do - who the hell is Facebook to dictate what is acceptable and/or unacceptable in the way we communiate and interact with our friends, as well as the way we choose to express ourselves as individuals? That should be our choice, yes indeed, and let's face it, without each and every one of us, there wouldnt be any Facebook. Like a true democracy, Facebook is suppose to be about and for the people but it appears to me that it is, but in name only.

I've talked with other folks about my idea and the majority of those I discussed it with have agreed with me. On some, but obviously not all, of the social networking and chatroom sites that exist on the worldwide web, there are some sites that have implemented what are called "CSA"s, "Community Standards Advisors" and maybe something like that would solve alotta the bullying scenarioes that happen regularly on Facebook. The way it was explained to me is this -  if two or more individuals are having a problem with each other, a CSA is usually summoned to intervene in the situation and hopefully bring about a positive resolve from all parties involved. Of course, just as in real life, I'm certain there probaly are situations out there that cannot be resolved; but, I think it sure as hell would be a helluva lot more positive and productive if those involved in any kind of dispute would be given the respect and common civility to air their concerns and treated (as well as judged) fairly versus encountering such indignities as "Okay, this is why this has happened and tough shit if you dont like it, we arent required to explain jackshit to you." Cause let's call it as it is right here-n-now - that's EXACTLY how Facebook treats its users who had their accounts closed for whatever unexplainable, unimaginable reasons. They'll shut you down, offer an generally inconcise explanation and shut the book on you, no if's, and's or but's.

By the same token, yes, I do realize that the majority of us are fairly mature adults who should not have to have our words and/or statements policed but quite frankly, if anyone is going to instigate a situation with me, I'd feel a whole helluva lot better knowing that I'd be allowed my rights to a fair discussion and a half-way decent chance of solving the problem rationally versus the scenario of hearing from Facebook something as ridiculous as "Well, this person reported this-n-that about you and you're history!" without any intellligent, viable reason whatsoever.

And in that regard, this is truly one of the most worst things about being on Facebook - the atmosphere of semi-anonymity that is provided actually supports the breeding grounds for every goddamn bully that is out there. Yeah, really. In fact, when you really think about it, Facebook should be renamed "The Bully's Network" for it not only leaves each and everyone of us totally wide-open for confrontations with such individuals but it actually empowers those very same bullies by allowing them to complain about and/or report their victims as if it is their victims who are doing the actual bullying to begin with. Now I ask each and every one of you this - how fucked up is that?

Look, I know there's always gonna be bullies no matter where we go or what we do and yet, no, I have no intention of giving up my Facebook account; but, I think when it comes to the internet variety of bullies the best thing any of us can do is to be very aware of such individuals and do what we can to safeguard ourselves and those we are closest to, regardless if it's a social networking site such as Facebook, a chatroom server and so on and so on. None of us should ever have to sacrifice such basic rights as freedom of speech, fair trials (for lack of a better description) and the like just because what's happening is on a computer screen in front of us versus while we're walking down the street, working at our daily jobs, or going shopping at our local malls. Bottom line: bullying is wrong regardless of where it's taking place and it's something we all need to rally against together if we want to eradicate it as much as possible from our daily lives, both internet-wise and other. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo