Porn: Epilogue - Thursday, July 22, 2010

Originally I wasn't going to write a 2nd part to "Porn" but as I mentioned in the final pargraphs of that posting, the circumstances regarding the eventual demise and death of Mike Henson are something that I've never been able to forget. As I implied towards the end of "Porn" I would like to personally take the porn director who played a heavy hand in destroying Mike Henson's life to task; but, I also realize that after all these years my launching a personal vendetta against the nasty sonnuvabitch isn't going to bring Mike Henson back from the dead. However, perhaps talking about what happened to him somewhat will prevent others from making the same mistakes he did as well as journeying down the road he did.

When Jack and I befriended Mike Henson that one evening (I would rather call him by his real name but out of respect for the memory of Mike and his lover, I choose not to) we both knew that things just weren't quite right in his life. As sincere and genuine as he was at that time, you could just sense by his actions that his life was somewhat of a roller coaster ride. That night when Jack and I drove home from that party I told him how worried I was about the guy and we had a very lengthy conversation in which I voiced all my concerns about him.

I kept thinking of something that is very commonplace in the porn industry, yet something very few people talk about - the way that porn directors and producers manipulate a great deal of the actors/actresses who perform in those films. Psychological manipulation, sometimes verbal and/or mental abuse, directing them to drug sources and sometimes even entering into relationships with them, all with the promise of "great stardom.' then only to discard and throw them away to the gutter like pieces of garbage when they no longer meet the rigid standards of near-physical perfection. And what alotta people don't realize, let alone even comprehend, is that it's virtually impossible for a person to make a full-time living in porn unless you're really, really successful. Most actors/actresses have to do other work on the side, and if it's not regular work like the rest of us do, they end up hustling and prostituting themselves, becoming escorts and/or performing on the striptease revues/dance circuits around the country. Don't let the glossy publicity shots or press releases fool you, there is no glamour in it, it's degrading not just to their bodies but also to their souls. Many of them will deny it and put on a fake, tough exterior but sit down and have a cup of coffee with any one of them and most will tell you that they would love to get out of it.

True, not every single person who works in the porn industry goes through every single one of the negative scenarioes that I just mentioned but in one way or another, most do experience at least half if not more of what I have just said. And in those most negative of scenarioes, it's not hard to imagine what happens - the raping and annihalation of a person's inner psyche and replacing what was ripped out from them with hollow promises and drugs. I ask you, who the hell would ever want to live like that? But for some it's their reality and it's not only sad, it's wrong and I think it can be prevented. Two suggestions. First, if you are consciously going to choose to work in that sexual arena, be aware of the consequences. Stay away from the drugs, stay away from the manipulators because don't fool yourself, they will throw you away when you're done because there's always gonna be someone else who has a bigger this-or-that or more sexual stamina to perform than you have. That is always a definite in the porn industry. Second, it's simple - don't do it. This suggestion has nothing to do with right-or-wrong, or what is morally and ethically responsible, just simply don't expose your life to that kind of existence. Now if you really really wanna do it and think it's gonna be so grand, and you know for a fact that you are strong enough to survive it then I guess I can't tell you what to do.

Actually, it's not that I want to tell anyone how to live their lives, I just want people to be aware of the pro's and con's of all of this. After all, no one can really tell you what to do with your life or tell you how to live it; but again, think carefully, very carefully before you would ever consider doing something like that. I'm not judging anyone for the choices they make, I'm just saying that if that's your choice then please be extremely careful and make certain that you take good care of yourself because it doesnt matter what kind of work you do, all life is precious.

Returning to that evening so many years ago, Jack and I actually had an argument over the Mike Henson situation before we even arrived home in Santa Cruz that night. I point blank told him that I was worried about the guy and discussed alot of the angles of that situation in the same way I just have with all of you; and, I told Jack that I thought we should try to do something about it. He told me that he really respected my concern and compassion for others but he put his foot down and said that there was no way in hell that he was going to get involved in other people's lives that way, and also that there was no way in hell that he was going to allow me to get mixed up in it either. Well you know me, big mouth and all, I retorted "Whoah whoah Sparky, what's this bullshit about allowing people to do this-or-that, what the hell is that all about??" He told me to relax, lit up a cigarette and handed it over to me and told me "I'll tell you why." I still remember every word he said.

He totally and emphatically explained to me his stance on the entire matter. I'll tell you, no one could speak about or explain situations more eloquently and passionately than my Jack. Here is exactly what he told me. First, you don't want to get involved with telling or suggesting or even indirectly guiding people on how to make their own decisions or run their lives because almost everything in life is a matter of personal choice; and, if someone chose to live that kind of life, it was their business, not mine. Second, don't let the terms of "directors" or "producers" in the porn industry fool you -- 9 times outta 10 most of the leaders in that industry have close direct ties to the world of organized crime as well as the world of drug kingpins. He told me that such people were capable of every form of human debauchery on the planet and that while I was brought up to use my intelligence and if necessary, my physical brawn, to fight my enemies, such lowlife scum like them used guns, knives and whatever else they could utilize to destroy their enemies. And on this point, he directly told me there was no way in hell that he was going to let anyone even resembling people like that getting within 50 miles of someone like me. God, that man always had my best interests at heart, he was so protective over me but in a loving way, not a selfish way.

I listened carefully to everything he told me and when he was finished, I thanked him and leaned over and kissed him on his cheek and told him how much I loved him. Jack was right then, and unless there have been developments within the porn industry that have caused positive change within it the last couple of decades, I think he's still right. Why challenge your own mortality by exposing yourself to that kind of world when you can simply avoid it altogehter and concentrate on things that are going to be better for you and your future in the long run?

My hope is that everything that I have just written in this posting will definitely, even if in a small way, make a difference for the better in someone else's life, especially someone who may be contemplating entering the world of porn. As I said before, I won't tell you what to do, I wont even judge you if you decide to go into it; but, I will ask this of you - please be careful to take care of yourself and use real common sense and stay away from those sometimes fatal illusions of grandeur. What happened to Mike Henson, and what still happens every day to this day in the porn industry, should never ever have to happen to anyone ever again. Looking back I'd like to think he too wouldn't want anyone else making some of the choices he did. His legend as a porno star may be unforgettable to most but I will always remember him for the sincere, genuine human being he was. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Porn - Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My ability to brainstorm must be totally dormant tonight because I have debated for the last hour or so on what to name this piece. The reason being because the world of Porn has so many subcategories and angles from which to approach it that I'm finding it rather difficult to classify what I am about to write, even though this piece will cover my personal thoughts and opinions on the subject, as well as include my experiences with those porn stars whom I personally knew. There's also another reason I chose the title of "Porn."

In the civilized society of proper, politcally correct writing the author is not allowed to have a negative-sounding discourse with his/her readers but in this case since it is my blog I simply cannot resist. I've looked at the hits on my previous piece "Drag Queens" and the 2 pieces that preceded it and the numbers are interesting - both of those pieces received less than 45 hits whereas the aforementioned received 175+ hits. A few people have told me to ignore such scoreboards, that they are not 100% accurate, but still, it kinda bothers me. I'm no Hemingway or Faulkner but damn, I am a good writer and at this point, I am wondering, did folks read "Drag Queens" strictly based on its title? If that's the case, that's really not being fair to me as the writer or to all of you, my readers. Just sayin.'

I have a tremendous amount to say about the world of Porn and I have decided that I am not going to break this piece into halves or thirds like I have preveiously done with earlier posts. It may or may not end up being the longest piece I've ever written up until now, but it deserves to have its continuity unbroken.

No, I am not a porn star, nor have I ever considered becoming one. Do I like porn? Oh hell yes and most people, regardless of  their sexual orientation, do too but most won't admit it because they think it's something dirty that need not be discussed in polite society. All those people out there who will pay top dollar to see a porno flick or pick up a porno mag and just spend hours googling at both but then when asked about it point blank they deny even knowing the definition of the word are nothing but hypocrites. Hyocrisy is one of my biggest pet peeves. Worse yet, a lot of those very same people have the audacity to call porn stars "pure trash" yet when they are watching a flick or leafing through a mag and about to reach their peak, those very same porn stars they condemn as worthless, moral-less human trash are the gods and goddesses of their most secret desires and fantasies. Hey, just because a person does porn does not mean they aren't decent human beings with thoughts and feelings just like the rest of us. 

Yeah, I suppose in some ways this piece may sound like a "Porn Stars Are People Too" piece and maybe in some ways thats exactly what it should sound like because it's the truth - they are. In fact, I would stop using the "P" word and switch over to the more politically correct term of "Adult Film Actors/Actresses" because it truly is a more appropriate, correct term to use; however, I also think its redundant to use that title because if you've ever noticed whenever you hear someone say "Oh, he or she is an Adult Film Actor or Actress" 99 times out of 100 the other person always responds back "Oh, you mean a Porn Star?" In a way, sad but true, there's almost no escaping that labeling once you make a foray into that type of business.

Regardless of which term you use, Porn Stars are indeed human beings just like the rest of us. They have good days and bad days, they have bills like everyone else and not every single person who works in the porn industry is doing it for the same exact reason. They say most people do it to make extra money for drugs and perhaps that is true to a point but I've known a few folks who did so to pay bills and even help pay for their college tuition when things were financially non-existent. Some people even do it because they are not only constantly horny but are also exhibitionists. And some even do it simply because they can - they have the body for it and the sexual drive to reach orgasm at the hint of the slightest video director cue. But the thing is is that we as the public still have no right to judge anyone who works in that industry because in almost every case it is always a matter of personal choice, regardless if its out of financial necessity or otherwise.

Would I ever star in a porno flick? Please, I don't even have my real picture posted on friggin Facebook yet! Seriously though, we all have sexual fantasies we'd like to personally star in but the answer is no - and for good reasons. First; I don't have the body for it, even if I looked the way I did in my early 20's the answer would still be no (I'll substantiate that later on in this piece). Second, I have heard as well as been told personally by a few porn stars when I asked them exactly what it was like, their collaborated response equated to this - try to imagine having sex in front of your best friend while he/she is videotaping it WHILE you are sexually performing in front of 20 to 40 of their closest friends. Now I may be a guttsy guy but I'll be the first to admit that there is no fucken way in Hell that I could do that. Plus you all know from one of my previous postings that there are just too many sexual scenarioes that I find outrageously humorous! I can imagine it. Some porn director is telling me "Now Spice, right when you're almost there start saying "Oh yeah Baby!" to which I would just turn, look at him/her and say "You gotta be fucking kidding me?? I need coffee!!" That's one thing that "legitimate" clothed acting does have in common with porn acting - it's just so goddamn fake and if you don't believe me, ask your local porn celebrity and they will back me up. If they dont, they are the ones lying, not me.

Several years ago, a good friend of mine (now deceased) told me that he always wanted to be in a porno flick, just to try it, just to do it once. I told him "Okay but remember, you are an Hiv'er and you need to disclose that information to anyone you plan on interacting in, if you catch my drift" and he politely informed me at the time that there are porno flicks made by and for the Hiv+ community, so I said to him "Okay Sparky, if you say so." Well, he went ahead and did it, was actually quite good in it (or so I was told by some mutual friends, I never saw it myself) and when he got back to town a few days later I asked him "What was it actually like, I mean, how could you do that in front of strangers?" And he gave me his spiel on it - he said that it wasn't totally what he expected. He and 2 others guys did indeed do their business in front of a video crew, complete with condoms and all, and everything went fine and when I asked him "But what did it feel like?" he said "Like sex silly." I looked at him perplexed and said "No shit sherlock, but how could you, ya know, keep it hard and do your business?" He laughed and told me the following - "Look, it's like this - it's like any other job. You are paid to perform and do your job and when you are done you either go onto the next job or you go home. When you are getting paid to do something like that you stay focused on having sex with the other people there, you do not have time to worry about others watching, you just do it and when you are done, you are done." I gotta admit, his experience in the porn industry did answer alotta questions for me. Every person out there has their own story to tell so I won't use his experience as the norm by which to judge other peoples experiences, but I will say that he was an extremely honest person and what he told me was good enough for me.

When Jack was alive, being fairly notable in the gay public's eye at that time, we were invited to a ton of LGBT sponsored functions, fundraisers and even simple dinner parties. I did meet a lot of influential people at those soirees because one must remember that while he was fighting to put all the bad guys away in jail as lawyers do, I was still in college as well as working too - the only influential people I ever dealt with on a daily basis were professors and financial aid advisors. And at those parties, from about 1986 to 1988, is where I met all 3 of the Porn Stars I am about to tell you about.

Leo Ford. Yes indeed, I met Leo Ford and oh my God, I'm not usually attracted to other blondes but Leo was indeed the exception to that rule! Lordy, he was so incredibly handsome and I'll never forget the night I met him...Jack and I had been invited down to LA for one of those hoyty-toyty gay rich people's parties and as we were standing there mingling with others, one of his friends said "There's someone here I want you two to meet." I smiled and said "Sure." And, when he came up to us and held out his hand to shake mine I just looked at Leo, then looked at Jack and his friend and said "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!?!?" To which all 3 of them let loose laughing! He was very polite, very charming, very sexy and after Jack's friend left he asked us both what we did for a living, simple stuff like that and then he turned to me and said  "You know, you should consider going into films, cutie..." and I just laughed and said "Uhm...thank you, I'm quite flattered but I don't think so Mr.Ford, besides, I don't think Jack would approve!" All 3 of us laughed and then Jack excused himself to go get something to drink and the second he did that I yelled in my mind "Jack!!! What the fuck are you doing??? Get back here goddamn it!!! You're leaving me with one of the hottest porn stars in America, are you fucken insane or what???" Don't get me wrong, even on that night my heart, body-n-soul belonged to Jack, no two ways about it but if any of you fellow gay men out there coulda seen how extremely enticing Leo Ford looked that night, trust me, you woulda had thoughts going through your minds too! His handsome tanned face, his alluring eyes and oh my, that chest, that tanned chest...ice water please....I gotta go get some, be right back.....

Anywho, I didnt need to worry cause the conversation ended about 5 minutes later - he asked what classes I was taking that semester, and then he very politely excused himself when someone from the William Higgins studio - or so I was told afterwards - entered the room. We never saw him again after that night but I was saddened to hear of his death in 1991 from a motorcycle/car accident. All I know of him was from that one night and in the years since I've come across articles and interviews stating that he was one of the hottest, as well as most respected, gay porno stars of the 1980's. I believe it; but, I also know he was a very friendly, genuine, intelligent person who could carry a conversation quite well.

Jeff Stryker. I never thought I would ever ever write about him because the night Jack and I met him, he wasn't in good shape at all. In fact, that's exactly why I'm not too thrilled about sharing this experience but I always tell the full story. I'm pretty sure it was 1987 when we met him at another one of those hoyty-toyty LA parties that Jack and I were invited to. The best way to describe what it was like meeting him was that it was totally not what Jack or I had expected. He was a very good-looking guy back then, very nicely dressed BUT also 100% drunk and drugged up off his friggin ass! No one needed to introduce him to us because he did so himself in the most unsettling of ways.

As he was walking towards us, another party patron was telling him who Jack was and then who I was. When he staggered towards me, he put his arm around me and said "Ya know Blondie, I could fuck you really good right here-n-now...!" Instantly I became livid - the mouth opened and out it came "Oh yeah motherfucker, you even think of laying a hand on me and I'm gonna rip off that huge cock you supposedly have and shove it down your fucken throat!" At that moment Jack lurched towards me and restrained me and told me "He's out of it, just calm down Hon, just calm down." Dont get me wrong, I may use profanity in my writing but walking down the street, let alone at a public function, I very rarely use such bad language but that night, oh man...but that's not all. After I was calmed down, Coca-Cola in one hand and a cigarette in the other, Mr, Stryker, who was still standing there like some nasty numbnuts, made a very poor decision in his drug-hazed state - he hit on Jack. He put his arm around him and said in his ear, the entire time as he was looking at me "Why don't we leave this party and Mr. Frigid over there and go back to my place for some real fun....?" That did it. I totally lost it. I lurched and landed with my hands on his neck and once again the words just flew outta my mouth "You nasty motherfucker, you even dare look at him ever again I will fucken rip your throat out and use your fucken esophoghaus as my own personal jump-rope, do you fucken hear me you nasty fuck!?!?!?!?!" Needless to say, Jack and 3 other guys pulled me off of him and restrained me (I still dont remember what happened to my Coca-Cola and cigarette that night!) and then Jack and I got the hell out of there and went home - thank God cause that truly was a night I never wanted to remember again.

This happened many years ago and perhaps Jeff Stryker has changed his ways since then, I dont know and to be quite honest, I don't care. It was that moment in my life that I truly understood for the very first time that when a human being becomes extremely angry about something they can become quite strong physically, almost too strong. No, I would've never killed him but I sure as hell would have given him the ass-kicking of his entire life had Jack and the others not pulled me off of him. As I've always said, physical violence of any kind does not solve any problems but that night Mr. Stryker had it coming to him, fair-n-square. I'm not the possessive type who suffocates those I love but that night I felt as if my territory was being invaded and like a giant cat, I was ready to pounce. The mature thing to do woulda been to motion to Jack that maybe it was time to leave the party, but when your 22 and head-over-heels in love with someone, you don't always think of doing the mature thing.

Mike Henson. It's very hard for me to write about him because he was sucha good guy, a fine person, and even though I know he's gone, sometimes it's still hard to imagine someone so youthful and full of life is now nothing but a memory. Jack and I met him in 1988 at a giant dinner party in what was then the nicer part of Redwood City, in the Bay area. Needless to say, he was an exceptionally handsome man and very very sexy, but also extremely nice and at that time hadda good head on his shoulders. When he first entered the patio area of the private home where the party was being held, his appearance naturally lit the entire place aglow, and not just because he was a porno start but because of his striking good looks. He was also very polite and friendly and we hit it off right from the start, talking about the computer classes he was taking and the history ones I was taking and just simple good conversation. And when we all were filling our plates at the buffet table I accidentally dropped my napkin and he picked it up for me and said "Here ya go Blondie" and I musta blushed a dozen shades of red cause he was just so nice and sweet, and just so debonair. 

Jack and I talked with him off-n-on most of the evening and he said something very nice to me that I will never forget - "I like talking with you because you treat me like a person, not a thing, not an object." I thanked him for saying that and told him that if he ever needed to talk, he could always give us a ring. He really was a good person. But then not long after that evening we met I had heard he had gotten into the drug scene and I really never anything about him after that. Judging from what I did read about him after his death, that guy had gone through hell and back a few or more times and he ended up dying of AIDS in either 2001 or 2002. It is true that the world of porn can be a dangerous place and some folks don't survive it but dont anyone kid themselves, Mike Henson wasnt just a porn star, he was a good person, a real person and he did have hopes and dreams, he just ended up on the wrong road because of some of the people who took advantage of him by some of the not-so-good choices he made. I may write a seperate piece about what happened to Mike Henson, in particular, one of the people who aided in driving him to his death because it still makes me extremely angry after all these years. But, that is another posting.

So there you have it, my experiences as an indirect spectator in the modern world of gay porn. As I have stated several times previously, I don't believe in judging others but if any of us are to evaluate other people I think we need to do so based on who they are as a person and not what they do for work or in their free-time. It is so true what they say, that you can't judge a person until you've been in their shoes. We dont know the exact rhetoric and decision-making process that lures each individual into the world of porn but maybe it's good that we don't because for the most part I believe that people do make the best decisions they can with the information they have processed at the time of their decision. I dont think it's as complicated as all the theorists out there make it out to be. But, based on my experiences and the people whom I have met and spoken with, I can definitely say this to you - porn stars really are people too. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Can't Wait Till This Friday - Tuesday, June 20, 2010

You wont find anything controversial or even fascinating in this entry because this one is totally personal. Yesterday morning, after my physical therapy appointment I received the news that I have been waiting for for over a month now - this coming Friday, July 23, 2010, will be my last day of physical therapy and I will FINALLY BE ABLE TO WALK NORMAL AGAIN!!! YES!!! No more using a cane, no more losing my balance, no more taking 15 minutes just to get to the bathroom door - ever again. I pray. I've been looking forward to this day for over a year and a half now. And all the things I took for granted before this long, sometimes ardulous journey began, I will be able to do again - and with so much damn gratitude.

In one of my previous postings I talked 100 mph per minute about all the wonderful little and big things I plan to do once I will be walking normal again and a lot of those goals are still the same. But before I attempt to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro or anything major like that, I must remain level-headed and focused. Two things first. Rebuilding my body. My arms and upper torso have remained in pretty good shape via regular stretching and arm-weight lifting; but, now I'll be able to do full body-length stretching, aerobic sit-ups and anything else doable to get my lower chest area strong again. As for my legs - stretching normal again and as much walking, swimming and cycling that I can possibly do. They say we are always harder on ourselves than others are, but I have missed being able to do simple things like power-walking and cycling, so much that I am looking so forward to both of those activities.

And secondly, I still wanna run up-n-down my front stoop to get my mail like everyone else does! Now those of you who know me know how friggin ironic my luck is, so I'm not gonna do that right away - I'll just walk up-n-down those steps slowly, for now - but next week, I am gonna do it. Something so minute, so unappreciated by most but I am gonna do it.

And going back to work, oh damn, that is gonna be so sweet - the final return to normalcy. Nothing is gonna be better than that. To get the hell out of this apartment and come home exhausted, only to eat a quick meal, take a nice shower and relax in front of the tv or the computer screen. Most of all, knowing that the second I gotta pee I won't ever again have to worry "God am I gonna make it in time or not???" as I walk - not navigate but walk! - to the bathroom.

Plus now I'll be able to look for that 2nd job that I will need to get before this summer is up, unless I wanna end up living in a cardboard box off of Tremont Street. Things will get better financially again (God willing) and in every facet of my life it will be a long-awaited return to full steam ahead as they say in shiptalk. 

And I haven't forgotten all the travel plans I'd like to tentatively make for this fall and next spring - the only thing that has changed since I last wrote on this angle is that I'll have to shorten the amount of time that I would like to stay at all the places that I look forward to visiting but hey, like they say, you can only do what you can do, what you can afford, ya know? Here in the States, I still wanna go visit Philadelphia but since my main reason will be to see the liner UNITED STATES, I think I could do that all in a weekend with great ease. As for Florida, where my cousin lives, that I will have to figure out gradually because just as with Philly, if the opportunities present themselves I wouldn't mind meeting some of the people I know on Facebook for coffee or lunch or whatever, nothing fancy, just meeting and getting to talk with folks in person. Hell, for those few remaining doubters of HivSpice, if meeting with folks in person doesn't prove I live in the same reality as others, nothing will. So those two destinations for sure, at least for now.

As for outside the States, I've heard through various people over the years that one doesnt have to spend a week or two in Canada to get a feel for the place so maybe I'll do what a lot of the NY gays do, maybe I'll pop over there for weekend trips when financially feasible and then maybe plan a more longer stay for next summer. I would love to go to their Pride in Toronto and maybe some of the other cities while I'm there. But, at this point all of this is in future thoughts/future planning stage.

Still, I dont know if any of you can imagine how exciting it is for me to just think about this stuff! Dont get me wrong, if you are physically handicapped (whether temporary or permanently) you can still travel and see the world but it's just that I'm kinda selfish on this angle - I want to go see and visit all the places that I have mentioned using my own two legs, ya know?

What will I do on this Friday once I can walk normal? Well, just for the hell of it I'd like to go to the Burlington Mall and just walk around in it - over and over again! Silly, isnt it? But I probaly wont cause I dont have a car right now. Instead maybe I will take a walk after supper that night and then when I get back, I am going to dance. Yep, may be all by myself, but I am FINALLY going to dance to Alicia Key's remake of "Rapture." After that, a song that I've always considered one of my signature songs - "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye - it's not faster-paced like "Rapture" so maybe I should do that one first to warm the ole legs up first...lol.

I'm not gonna close with anything philosophical like I usually do. The only feelings I have right now are total anticipation for this coming Friday morning when I FINALLY get my clean bill of health on my legs and walking; and, the sheer sense of happiness and contentment that I've made it through yet another medically/physically intense period of my life. Most of all, I have survived, once again I have survived but not in the victim sense; rather, in the sense of anyone who wants to keep living life and keep forging ahead - every single day. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Drag Queens - Sunday, July 18, 2010

When most people think of Drag Queens they think of gay men dressed up in outlandish costuming, thick putty-like make-up and extremely flamboyant, outrageous behavior all over the place but that assumption is nothing but a mere stereotype. Drag Queens are real people just like you and me and they've been given many a negative, judgemental rap for decades and that kind of bashing behavior needs to stop. Right now. No, I personally am not a Drag Queen, nor have I ever actually considered doing Drag because quite frankly I dont think I have the talent for it; plus the only interaction I've ever had with an audience is giving a lecture on various historical periods here-n-there. In regards to human history, one of the bottom lines regarding Drag Queens is simply this - it's a known fact that before any community can have peace outside of it, it needs to have peace within it and that includes Drag Queens as central members of the overall LGBT community, not on the outskirts as some members of our community would have it. And if you are one of those people who has insecurities regarding the prescence of Drag Queens in the world community, your time to get over yourself should've expired many years ago.

But before I get into that I wanted to remind my readers that yes, there are female Drag Queens out there too, it's just that we don't hear much about them and that is sad unto itself, for they are members of the LGBT community too. Due to the fact that I do not know any personally, nor am I aware of their experiences, I will not be writing about them in this piece and if there are any out there whom read this I hope they will understand. Back to the Drag Queens I do know about.. 

The amount of accolades Drag Queens have downright earned over the years are not only immeasurable but also extremely faceted as well. They are so much more than just gay men dressing up in women's clothing. Drag Queens are artists in every sense of the word. It's not just how they apply their makeup and do their hair/wigs, they are illusionists who painstakingly transform their entire bodies into the exact opposite of who they are biologically - and 98.5% of them pull it off quite effectively. To have that skill, as well as that talent, to be able to transform oneself into many a downright stunning persona is like creating a great work of art. It's not just dressing up and throwing on a ton of foundation and lipstick, it truly is magic in every sense of the word.

They are actors who command a stage prescence the second they walk out onto that stage and/or catwalk and perform for their audiences. Acting, singing, dancing, comical routines, you name it, they do it all and most of them do it damn good too. If you think getting up in front of masses of total strangers many nights of the week and attempting to provide each and every one of those strangers with an entrancing experience is easy, you're wrong. They give of themselves exactly the same way movie/tv/stage actors give of themselves - 100% for you the individual audience member. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are many Drag Queens out there who find performing for an audience as simple as breathing in fresh air but I'm also certain there are just as many who get a bit nervous, getta twang of stagefright here-n-there and tell themselves before the stage lights come on "Oh I just hope they like me tonight!" Either way, they are giving of themselves, they are extending part of their actual psyches out there and even though the majority of them do love it (hell, they'd have to in order to do the hard work each and every one of them does), their presentations towards us the audience need to be viewed and appreciated with our full attention spans.

Preservationists of history. Yes, you read correctly. Look at all the different types of dresses and accessories they utilize when creating their numerous stage personas. You don't have to be a fashion expert to notice immediately that most of their ensembles consist of clothing fashions through-out the ages, whether it is resembling a woman of royalty during Louis XVI's time period to the square-shouldered broad looks of women like Joan Crawford and Bette Davis, they not only create that illusion but again, they pull if off convincingly. In that sense it's more than just the look - in order to present yourself as an entirely different personality from who you are as a real person, you have to psychologically train and primp yourself mentally into becoming that individual, or a very close facsimilie thereof. But not just once. As with any actor out there, you have to give the same identical performance when you create your character and if you have more than one character you are portraying? Like I said before, it's not just dressing up, it takes real hard work and dedication to not only become a Drag Queen, but also to remain a successful Drag Queen.

Philanthropists. Yep, you read that one right too. Pick any of the wide range of charities out there - civil rights, gay marriage, Hiv/AIDS care and research, anti-violence projects, you name it and nine times outta ten you will not find a Drag Queen who hasn't donated the profits from a performance to one of the causes that concern the overall LGBT community - and not just one single time either, they give of themselves and donate their time, energy and profits over and over again. Funny how many of our leaders continously stress giving back to the LGBT community yet isnt it amazing that the majority of those who do so are the Drag Queens? Oh forgot to mention, that's another one of their accolades - they indeed are literally motherly and nurturing in their own right, make no mistake about that. If you ever wanna know who some of the best fighters are for the betterment and protection of the overall LGBT community, go ahead, piss off a Drag Queen and you'll see rather quickly exactly what I am talking about. And people say they aren't real men? If any of you even remotely entertain that thought you have a lot to learn not just about life, but people in general.

Lastly, but definitely not in the least, they are friends and family who are unwavering and extremely loyal to their loved ones. They are real people, they have feelings, thoughts, emotions, good times and bad times, just like the rest of us. In my original Facebook Bio Profile I stated that what Drag Queens bring to their stages are mere extensions of their inner selves, their inner psyches but I need to take that one step further to get the following point across to you all - imagine someone who wants to wow the entire world BUT, multiply that by the amount of love and compassion they have for others about 10 times and that is who a Drag Queen is. They really are some of the most intriguing and most deepest individuals you will ever come across, not just in the LGBT community, but the entire world. And I mean it. Now I realize that nobody is perfect and just like every group of individuals out there I'm certain there are Drag Queens who aren't good, who may very well be selfish and self-serving and perhaps even the nastiest of the nasties in the world; but, did you ever notice that when one is a bad Drag Queen, they eventually fade away and you never hear of them again? To use a phrase I've been seeing on Facebook a lot lately, "just sayin..."

A couple more stereotypes about Drag Queens that also need to end up in that circular file that I like to call "the ChickenShit File." First, the attitude that Drag Queens are nothing but "nelly little homos" is extremely false, not just because of all the previous examples of their strength of character that I have illustrated thus far in this piece, but also because most of the Drag Queens I have met were some of the most masculine, most butch, and in a few cases, most well-hung men whom I have ever had the opportunity of meeting in my entire life. No, I'm not kidding. Don't let their on-stage personas fool you for one bit - if you think for even one second that they can transform themselves into some of the most exhilarating creatures this world has ever seen, but yet are not capable of knocking you to the cement in an instant or making love to you like a real man does, you are very sadly mistaken. Let's face it, there are a lotta Drag Queens out there who have sets of balls bigger than Godzilla's, trust me. Or in this case, never judge a man by the dress he's wearing, he just may surprise you.

Second, ever since the early 1980's I've heard so many members of the LGBT community state they don't like Drag Queens because of their "queeny atttitudes" and "bad hormonal tempers." Not all Drag Queens have "queeny attitudes" nor "bad hormonal tempers", but if they did, Lord knows they would be justified for alotta the shit they get from a lotta folks out there. And please, define what is "bad" will you? Because all I see is a lot of jealous people being downright ugly and heinous just because they don't have the inner drive and determination that most Drag Queens have. That's what it is, isnt it? Maybe we all should do what the feminists of the 1960's use to say to men - if you don't believe in what we go through in our daily lives, be a woman for a day - yes, maybe each and every one of us should be a Drag Queen for a day because I will make you a bottom-dollar bet that if everyone were to do just that, there wouldn't be any of the inaccurate and castigating judgements made against one single Drag Queen.

From RuPaul to Ongina, there are a ton of Drag Queens out there to fit everyone's own individual expectation of what makes (or doesn't make) a decent Drag Queen. After this piece is posted, I'm sure I will get a few messages here-n-there asking who some of my most favorite Drag Queens are but instead of that happening I'd like to take the liberty of listing who my favorites are right now. BUT, let me make this very clear first - these choices are based totally on my own personal opinion, they are my own personal favorites, you may not agree with them and that is totally your opinion. My Top 5 Favorite Drag Queens in the world are.....1). Jade Elektra...2). Lady Bunny...3). RuPaul....4). Lady Chablis..5). Moist Towelette. Don't let any of my choices influence you - though I gotta admit, no one can outdo Jade Elektra, sorry, you just can't guys! - there are a million and one captivating Drag Queens out there, try to see as many of their shows as you can because I do not think you will be even the slightest bit disappointed. If for some reason you don't have time to attend their shows regularly, then try to make it a point of going to one of their fundraising shows, great entertainment with proceeds towards a great cause - doesn't get any better than that.

A couple months back, someone whom I consider a good friend as well as an extraordinary man, made a quote about how he personally felt that "...Drag Queens are the backbone of the gay community" and I think he was right, not because he's my friend, nor because I have always found Drag Queens to be some of the most genuine, fascinating people I have ever met during my lifetime, but because I think it's true. They've been in existence for centuries and let's not forget that they were there at the birth of the modern gay right's movement back in 1969 during the Stonewall Riots too. I've said and written all these things about Drag Queens because just like many others I personally have taken the time to get to know them and oh my God, if you did too you would realize immediately that they arent any different than the rest of us, except for one thing - their form of self-expression takes on a life all it's own and and I ask myself how could that be such a bad thing? It's not. They are not freaks, they are not female wannabes, they are not any of the negative things I have heard others call them over the years. They are real people who live in the real world and make a real difference. Yeah, it's really that simple. Thank you for reading. 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Infatuation - Saturday, July 17, 2010

Infatuation is something that as confusing and frustrating as it can be for some people to deal with, is something that is a part of everyone's life. Whether it be trendy music, fashionable clothes or even that guy who lives down the lane, every one of us deals with some type or degree of infatuation every single day of our lives. The only bad thing about infatuation of any kind is when people allow it to control their lives - that's when it can turn into a fantasy world and as much as we all enjoy escapism from time to time it's more healthier for people to make their infatuation(s) turn the other way and head towards reality. I've heard many people over the years say how bad something like infatuation is but I think it's how people respond to it and what they do with that response that makes it bad; otherwise, I think it's a perfectly normal psychological response to whatever catches our innermost interests and desires. As long as you do not lose your grip on reality and it does not harm you or anyone else, again, it's just a normal part of everyday life.

The type of infatuation I'd like to address in this piece is the notion of romantic infatuation. Whether you are single, dating someone, involved in a committed relationship or even married, we all dream about that Hollywood heart-throb/sexy vixen that catches our fancy on some television show, in some movie or at some giant musicfest. We're all guilty of that. Even when it comes to someone whom we know of in our daily existence whether it be the pizza delivery guy/gal (I know, there have been so many pornos using that character, hasnt there?), a co-worker or even a member of the local community, we all have our little crushes and/or infatuations. It's the time period right before folks come unglued mentally and start stalking people that it's time to call the little men in white coats to come get them. I don't know what sets people off in that direction but I do know that if you even sense any red flags concerning yourself going across that line, overstepping that mental boundary, you really do need to speak with someone about it because there is help out there.

Why do I think people have infatuations? I think the explanation is rather simple - all of us are always striving for something better in our lives and our own interpersonal actions and relationships with others are no exception to that desire. Think of all the times every one of us has thought to ourselves "I wonder what it would be like to come home to that every night of the week?" or "Hmmm, I wonder how good he is in bed?" or "Does he really get the meaning of Kylie's "All The Lovers" video in the same way I do?" Thoughts, ponderings, temporary infatuations, call them what you will but when you really think about it, infatuation is merely a more intense version of daydreaming; and, we all know that daydreaming is totally harmless UNLESS you allow it to dominate your life the same exact way some people allow infatuations to dominate their lives. When you cant focus on a rational, daily basis, can't eat or sleep normally, and cannot get your mind off of something or someone for more than a few hour time period then these are all red flags that you need to get professional help.

Can you break away from things like intense infatuations without getting professional help? Of course you can - by simply talking with friends and loved ones and telling them about your problem, as well as asking them for suggestions on how you can re-focus your life back onto the right track and also for moral support too. But, the hardest part for some people is knowing when and where to draw the line. That's something that you are going to have to decide for yourself but again, you'd be surprised how much talking with a good dear friend can change your life for the better on issues such as this one. All it takes is that one well-grounded friend that we have complete faith and trust in to make all the difference in the world. Friends truly are some of the most important people in our lives.

For myself, I've never once hadda problem defining the lines between infatuation and reality; and yes, I do have my own personal take on that. When we become infautated with or desire other people to be in our lives, we as humans naturally think of it in black or white terms - and that's the problem right there - what about the area in-between, the gray area? Very few people take time to admit that it exists but it does. Do you know what the neatest thing about that gray area is? You yourself make the decisions alone on what it can or can't be; but, as long as it is a safety zone for you and those who are a part of your life, that is all that matters.

When it comes to myself personally and the subject of romantic infatuation, my gray area consists of the following rationale - if nothing long-term and/or permanent in the romantic sense is going to come of this, how can I forge a connection with this person that will allow us to be a part of each other's lives without harming myself and/or the other person? The answer is rather simple - friendship. None of us can ever have too many true friends and if the other person does not feel comfortable in having a friendship with you? Simple - you just walk away knowing that you did your best to connect with another human being. All of this isn't as complex as some folks make it out to be. 

Right now in my life, I have about 3 infatuations; but, not one of them is going to negate or harm my daily existence. Why? Because I have all three already figured out. Not one of the three is affecting my daily life, not now and not ever because I know the division lines between reality and fantasy. I'm writing about them now merely as a form of validation for myself; and, after doing so, it's gonna make me feel good to know that I have what I already know in mind to be the truth validated into black-n-white on a screen. 

Just so you know, I will not be revealing the names and/or identity of the three gentlemen whom I will be speaking about because naturally, that simply would not be appropriate. It has nothing to do with creating new mysteries around HivSpice either - the subject here is infatuation so any real names are irrelevant anyways.

Number One: I simply don't know where to begin when it comes to One. As cliche as it may sound, I felt an instant attraction to him the very second I first laid eyes on his picture. I'll never forget the first time I saw it, the words "Oh my God, who is that??? Oh my God, he's perfect!" flew outta my mouth and I felt this cannonball type motion going through my chest; but, that lasted about 15 to 20 minutes until after I finished reading about his background and I realized right then and there "Forget it, with his looks and his life experiences, he isn't gonna be interested in Mr. Plain Jane." Yes, even without speaking to him about the matter I already know it would never work, quite frankly due to the fact that he has no desire to be in a long-term relationship with anyone, not just me. So I may never become romantically involved with the guy but that's perfectly fine with me because we are friends and even though we will never be lovers, at least I am a part of his life. And that's good enough for me because our friendship is real.

Number Two: The only way I know how to describe Two is by using words of passion. He's the kind of guy that if you were spending a day in the outdoors with him, you'd love to do nothing more than just walk up behind him, put your arms around him, kiss his neck gently several times and whisper in his ear how much he was loved and whatta good man he is. I'm no tramp but trust me, I've been around enough men in my lifetime to know that when it comes to the good men, the real decent men, the ones who will love you unconditionally and stick by you through thick-n-thin, Two is the real life epitome of that kind of man. I'm not shitting you one bit. Even though he has his own distinct personality and is his own individual (yet another reason why it'd be so fucken easy to fall in love with a guy like that), I must continue to be extra careful with this one because the ironic thing about Two is that he has some of the same identical qualities that my Jack had, that made me fall in love with him. I know, frightening in a way isnt it? BUT, no need to fear because I will never have him either. He is in an extremely happy, committed relationship with someone else and they truly are crazy about each other; and, I am genuinely happy for them both. As I've said many times before, I do not go after someone else's man because not only is that wrong, but I wouldnt want anyone doing that to me either. As with One, I have a real and sincere friendship with Two and I would never do anything to jeopardize that. So a friendship it is and a friendship it will remain.

Number Three: Wow, don't know the first thing to say about this one either, except tonight I actually came across a video of him singing a certain song and when I watched it and listened, my mouth dropped and I thought "Oh my God I cant believe it...." and it just totally blew me away, I'm not kidding. It was the first time I ever thought "Wow, I could really fall for a guy like that..." I mean, this thing about people singing songs to other people, that has never ever done a thing for me; but, not this time, I'm still in awe of him, no shit. But, my infatuation with Three is riddled with sheer irony. We are not friends and I doubt we ever will be because awhile back we hadda misundertanding that sort of curttailed us getting to know each other better. It's almost sad in a way because he's single too, available and we have several things in common. There's even something funny about my thoughts of Three - he's the type of guy that you'd just love to hate at first and then after getting to know him you'd never ever want to be apart from him, not ever and not in the insecurity sense, but because he's simply wonderful in so many ways. And he's funny, just a friggin riot. Oh well, maybe a lesson that might be learned from this infatuation is that when you interact with people, don't allow any bridges to be burned until you really get to know the person first - make sense?

I was gonna download songs in this posting to go with each of the 3 gentlemen mentioned but hell, I havent figured that out yet but I will in future posts. However, I do have the songs...for One, "Run To You" by Whitney Houston; for Two, "Heaven" by DJ Sammy; and, for Three, "Piano In The Dark" by Brenda Russell. No, no obsession by listing these songs it's just that when I think of each of these very extraordinary gentlemen certain melodies and certain lyrics come to mind. Besides, listening to music and daydreaming is never harmful to you or to anyone, unless you let it be and quite frankly, I am too smart and too experienced with life to allow that to ever happen.

When you have an infatuation about other people, whether it be for romantic reasons or not, try to keep in mind that they are not gods & goddesses, they are human like you and me, complete with thoughts, feelings and hang-ups just like the rest of us. But whatever you do, do not ever think for one second that you aren't worth another human beings individual attention because you definitely are. If you're single like some of us are, don't become insecure about who and what you are because of others perceptions of you as an individual - 9 times outta 10 it's more of an issue of the other person finding you versus you finding yourself. And remember, even for those who you may think have a romantic place in your life, even if it doesnt go in that direction, in a lot of cases you can always be friends. Whatever you do, just keep reaching out and never give up. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Ghost Hunters International - Thursday, July 15, 2010

Usually I begin my pieces with some type of epiloguish opening and then I start bringing the baby in for a landing; not that that is a bad thing but I wanna try to get away from doing that and just begin by jumping into my writing the way I assume some of my readers jump into their reading. I was compelled to do the epiloguish approach one more time due to the title of this piece. I know right off-hand what some folks reaction may be - "Why is he writing about that, did he just start Atripla or what??" You all should know me well enough by now to know that there is a reason behind everything I write. With that being the case.....

Yesterday I did something that I view as kind of naughty (in the priority-sense) but most likely something that most folks wouldn't even shrug at, let alone think twice about. When I returned home to my tiny apartment after Physical Therapy - only 2 more weeks! Yes!!! - I sat down in my easy chair in my minute living room and said to myself "Today, I am not doing jackshit!" No sorting through paperwork and bills, no cleaning or organization projects - after all, there is only so much you can do of that crap when you have been virtually homebound for the past 4 to 5 weeks, ya know? - and no turning on the computer, not even to check messages. And I think it would be very healthy if we all could do that from time to time, just take one single day off to do nothing. Some of us do not have sucha luxury but for those who do get that opportunity, please, treat yourself, you deserve it - hell, everyone deserves a day like that once in awhile.

What did I do? I sat on my 44 year old ass in my easy chair and watched TV all day AND all night - and I loved it! No cooking, no phonecalls, no nothing - just simply watching tv and leaving that chair for only 2 reasons - to throw freezer food in the microwave for meals and to use the sandbox. I thought of no one but myself and damn, once-in-a-blue-moon solitude is underrated. There are several of my very dear friends whom I wish I could give that kinda day to whenever they needed it - and even to those of you whom I do not know personally, I hope that you too can have a day like that from time to time.

I watched the Ghost Hunters International marathon on SyFy and it was beyond fantastic!! I haven't watched the American version of it starring the TAPS team from Rhode Island in years so when I flicked the tv on and saw it I thought to myself "Well, even if I get a teeny tiny bit scared, it's not like I'm in one of those creepy-looking, three-story Victorians out in the boondocks, I'm in a tiny hole-in-the-wall located next door and across the hall from other tiny hole-in-the-walls!!" Seriously though, it does take a lot to give me a good fright - I'm the type of person who could watch several showings of "Psycho" one-after-the-other and take a shower totally in the dark and not be scared, though please, do not try that, it's meant to be analogous! I haven't really watched much tv since I bought my laptop over a year and a half ago but I gotta admit, it was great watching Ghost Hunters though there sure are a ton of commercials on tv these days arent there?

The basis of this show, which is very similiar to the American/TAPS version, is that the investigative team attempts to debunk and/or validate paranormal phenomena and the like when it comes to the suspected/alleged existence of ghosts. Personally, I think they do a great job but between the two I like the International version better because for some reason the European peoples seem to be more accepting and open-minded towards the concept of "the other side"or an afterllife than the majority of Americans. However, there is one thing I do not like about the show, more specifically, that I do not like about a certain tactic used by some of the actual Ghost Hunters themselves and I feel compelled to address it.

On numerous occassions at the various haunting sites, one or more of the Ghost Hunters, would demonstrate the concept of "provoking" or more like "rigorously insulting" the ghost(s) as a stimulus to draw them out, to encourage them to communicate clearly with the hunters. In a few very rare instances this method did work but in most cases nothing whatsoever happened. And then I thought about it - why the hell would that apprroach work? After all, if someone was trying to communicate with you and they attempted to do so by insulting you and making derogatory comments towards you, how would you respond? In most cases, you would either ignore them or lash out at them; after all, that's how most of us would react to such behavior anyways.

But this needs to be taken one step further. Regardless of what your religious and/or spiritual beliefs are, I think it is both wrong, as well as hypocritical, for anyone, trained investigator or not, to provoke anyone, not just another human being but especially a ghost. Yes, I realize it may sound crazy to some, but I am defending the rights of ghosts. Actually, I'd be more apt to use the correct term -spirits - but for sake of clarity I will take the liberty of calling them ghosts in this piece.

Think about it. Thanks to the love that many folks have for horror films and things of a supernatural nature, most of us have been indoctrinated to think that ghosts are the bad guy, if they are encountered they must be gotten rid of or destroyed because everyone knows this has to be done for look at how they lash out at people and attack and possess people! As much as I treasure my beloved Hollywood, almost every supernatural film having to do with ghosts is nothing but a grand canyon of lies as well as a perennial banquet of purely unadulterated bullshit. It's very similiar to the "us-versus-them" concept that destroyed the great Native American populations when the Amercan West was settled. Just as with ghosts, the Native Americans weren't harming anyone, they were just living their lives, minding their own business - and, I think that's exactly what ghosts are doing too; after all, who's doing the hunting here? Definitely not them.

And no, don't retort back with "Well, ghosts really don't belong here, they need to move onward." True as that may be in most cases, who the hell are any of us to judge, let alone demand, that a ghost do this or that? They exist on a totally different level of the universe than we do. Plus, they aren't taking up any space that is intended for us human beings only so the divide-n-conquer approach is non-applicable in their instance as well. One needs to ask - what right do the living have to make demands on the dead, or even vice-versa for that matter? Yes, I will agree that the veil between our two plains of existence can be extremely thin and fragile at times but damn, this pre-pubescent concept of "Well, we are here to seek you out and you must speak to us whether you like it or not" is something I find both extremely irrational and irritating. Why if I was a ghost and someone said that to me my reponse would be "Oh yeah? Why dont you go fuck yourself with something hard and sandpapery Sparky!" I'm not being funny here, I am very serious about this.

But the #1 Kicker of it all is the blatantly prejudiced concept of "Well, we're living and they're dead so it doesnt matter what they think/feel, plus that makes us better than them." Who the hell came up with that one I'd like to ask? One of the main bottom lines is this - we go out about our daily lives and mind our own business - they go about their daily deaths and mind their own business. The majority of people are extremely startled when they encounter a ghost, they are frightened and it bothers them, to the point where they begin to hate what they fear and want to eliminate it. But here's where the human concept of ghosts totally falls apart - doesnt one find it interesting that in almost every single documented case the ghosts aren't the ones doing the hunting? 

Try to look at it this way - if some stranger came into your home and started talking to you in a very offensive manner, in addition to becoming angry and asking them to leave, wouldn't you be taken aback by the experience and possibly become even more infuriated if they refused to leave? Why is it so hard for people in general to understand that a ghost could feel the same exact way when we come seeking them out? The issue isnt whether or not a ghost should be here or there - most ghosts that choose to communicate/interact with us humans are very much like us humans to begin with, not just because they were once living but because if you are nice to someone and talk to them kindly, 9 times outta 10 they will be extremely reciprocative with you. It doesnt take a big leap of faith to understand that, does it?

I'm not gonna tell Ghoster Hungers International, or any other paranormal investigative organization for that matter, how to run their business; but, I would like to make a suggestion - please try to tone down on that verbal provoking crap a bit, will you?  Cause damn, if the shoe were on the other foot and a ghost was saying those exact same things to you guys & gals, why, that would be the end of the world. Not only is provoking of any kind wrong but why in good conscience would you provoke someone who is already dead? As much as I treasure the Universe and the world we live in, this is one of those few instances where human stupidity perplexes the living hell out of me. And one other thing - all those times their EVP recordings are played back with the phrase "Get Out" surfacing on them? Here's where the difference between ghosts and humans is crystal clear - if someone invaded our space, we wouldn't be so polite, would we? Think about it.

When I was growing up, I was always taught by my grandparents and the other elders of my family to always have respect for, as well as never make fun of, those things you dont understand because the Universe was created for a reason and so was everything in it. Communicating in a negative, offensive manner can only bring about unpleasent consequences or in some cases, literally no consequences at all. So I think if you're gonna attempt to communicate with any ghosts, I think being nice and pleasent will get you much further with them. Taking a few steps back from the subject itself, I think it's a very good thing when ghosts and humans can communicate with each other because there is so much about the afterlife they can share with us, and I don't mean just them giving us the reassurance that there is indeed an afterlife, but by sharing with us they are making a lot of us feel less fearful about what happens to us when we die. When you really think about it, they're actually the ones doing us a favor. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

My Fellow Hiv/AIDS Activists and Those Whom It May Concern - Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Wonderful news in the last few days regarding the discovery of 3 anti-bodies within the human body that may successfully eradicate 91 to 99% (I have heard both statistics so am including both just to be on the safe side) of the various Hiv strains that are running rampant in millions of our bodies! Yes!!! I sincerely pray to God and the Universe that this discovery will truly lead to the magic bullet that will lead to the demise of this dreadful disease. They say a vaccine is just around the corner and I hope the leading scientists/researchers of the world put their efforts into overdrive to reach this life-saving goal. Over the years there have been so many damn false alarms on this front but now more than ever I think the world is closer yet to finding the cure that we all have been hoping, praying and dreaming of for so many years. Let's all pull together on this one and keep our fingers crossed as they say.

But, even once this disease is totally eradicated we need to pull our bootstraps up a couple of notches even further and make certain that no diseases such as this one and all others like it are allowed to raise their maddening existence on this planet again. I know that sounds melodramtic but it's true, once the final battle is won we still have more work to do, we must continue onward in further educating the world to assist in making the infamous Hiv+ diagnosis a thing of the past as well. After all, it's a known fact that no matter what battle you are fighting the most effective method of winning is this - kick your enemy until it is down and then kick it extra hard a few more times to make certain that it stays down for good. This theory not only applies to diseases, but even people as well, especially those whom there is reason to believe are not as honest and forthright as the general public is enticed into believing.

I've always been the first person to state, as well as demonstrate, that I am 100% behind all my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who truly and sincerely bust their asses day-in-and-day-out spreading the word and educating about this disease, throwing as well as participating in fundraisers and most of all, lobbying/rallying our state and federal goverments in securing the medical treatment, scientific research and passage of laws/bills regarding both Hiv and the AIDS epidemic. No one, aside from participating doctors and scientists, deserves more credit on this than all those who do make the genuine effort to make a difference in the livesof so many others. Whether you are an Hiv'er, or even if you arent, there are many of us out there who spend countless hours lobbying for both better medical care and more accessible drugs, as well as the minions of countless others who volunteer and dedicate their time to helping in this decades long battle against what we all now hope to be a less formidable threat to the longevity and quality of life for millions of people worldwide. I personally, on my own behalf and that of countless other Hiv'ers, cannot thank you enough, nor commend and congratulate you enough for the wonderful work that each and every one of you has done over the years and continue to do to this day.

However, in the last couple of months, as I have mentioned in one or more previous postings in this blog, I've noticed there are a few or more of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who appear to have taken their activism to a less-than-desirable plain of overinflated egotism and self-righteous arrogance. This concerns me greatly because when the common goal is to do what you can to help improve the lives of others and you put your own selfish, self-centered desires above something precious as one single human life, then it indeed is time for you to step down and pass the torch to others. And if you do not have both the maturity and perspicuity to do either, then you need to get some serious counseling - and I'm not kidding.

I'd like to use the ADAP Summit that took place in Washington, DC this past week as an example. There were some of the most prominent and decidated Hiv/AIDS activists in this country who attended those meetings and from what I heard via phonecalls, read via emails and saw via various internet posts, they all did a splendid job. But that wasn't all I heard and saw. Several of the people who attended that meeting were pompously congratulating themselves on being Masters of the Hiv/AIDS Universe, some even to point where they had the audacity to imply their participation warranted their bidding for the roles of the next AIDS Leaders of the World. Oh really? Being a Leader of anything is something that needs to be decided upon by the people, it's not won by being a braggart. Sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. Second, in order to fill such a title, you have to earn it fair-n-square, more specifically, by putting the needs of everyone else ahead of your own personal agenda. And quite frankly, I think some of the people who attended that meeting are way too self-serving and self-centered to put the lives of all us other Hiv'ers in the balance.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               In addition, there's one other thing you need before you can even slightly entertain the thought of calling yourself a Leader - you need backbone. And to those whom I am directing these comments to, I hate to break it to you, but you do not even have a third of the backbone it takes to fulfill such a title. It takes far more than the careless splurging of delegated and unceasing publicity mills and self-righteous gloating to become an AIDS Leader - it takes a full backbone. an unrelenting, unselfish commitment towards the safety and welfare of people other than yourselves and most of all, it takes the will of the people themselves to vote you into it, just as it does with anything else that is suppose to closely resemble a democracy. Were there any type of voting elections that took place during the ADAP Summit which I and the general public have yet to be aware of? I didn't think so. Egomanical dictators are not needed in the battle against Hiv/AIDS; real people with real values and real goals are. Yeah, it really is that plain and simple.

I'm sick-n-tired of complaining about how hypocritical some of you are; and, as angry and infuriated as I am now and always will be over what I consider a waste of valuable time and energy, this type of behavior needs to stop - and I mean it. If it doesn't, the overall good of not just us Hiv'ers as a whole community will not only be compromised but everyone else who is rallying and lobbying against every other chronic and/or terminal illness out there will fall short of their goal because of your heinous, overindulgent egotism. I've had plenty of time to think of some solutions and so far the two that I feel are the most realistic and most viable, and most protective of Hiv'ers in this country, and perhaps even beyond, are the following.

First, all of us need to band together and create a national think-tank that will solve the problems of this pseudo-egotistical Hiv/AIDS hierarchy that now exists in America. This bullshit concept of only the immature, rich, arrogant, Hiv'ers as the chosen select few has got to stop. The Hiv/AIDS Leaders of Tomorrow should be chosen based on their ideas, theories and commitment to what is best for the battle in the areas of human rights, drug research and patient care; not based on the color of their skin, how much money they have, or the numerous publicity mills they operate. It should be based on who and what they are, not what they look like or what they have. Why should all the decisions made about the national Hiv'er community be made by only a few priveledged select few? What has happened to the prescence as well as the voice of the little guy? The current state of the Hiv'AIDS leadership in this country is becoming more and more a parody of not the people and organizations we all fight against, but of ourselves as a whole community. This all needs to be addressed and what better way to do that than via a national committee that is created and maintained by those representatives who are chosen and elected by the majority as a whole?

Second, because this is something I believe in so deeply, so fervently, I have decided to take action personally at the risk of revealing my true identity - yes, that's how much this means to me. In the upcoming months I'm going to personally petition several elders of the national Hiv'er community to assist in launching a legal investigation on a few of the more prominent Hiv/AIDS activists whom I have firm and sound reason to believe are not operating their organizations in the best interests of the overall Hiv'er community - and not just us gay men, but everyone, bisexual, straight, transgendered, men, women, children - you name it, no one's overall welfare is going to be left out of this one. I have never believed in utilizing the influence of others my entire life but this one time I am going to use every contact and resource I have to get to the bottom of what I intellectually and morally feel is a matter of grave concern. The little guy, the average Hiv'er is no longer going to be silent - not anymore.

Yes, true, I am only one person and I may not be able to change the world but I will be damned to hell if I'm going to stand by like a quiet bump on the log anymore and watch innocent people's lives get lost in the bureaucratic shuffle brought on by some of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists. I will fight with all my might and give everything I have in me to win a battle that I feel is just and right. To do anything less would be comparable to implicating that my Jack and the Mystery Man both died in vain and I'm sorry, I can't let that happen, not now, not ever. I've said it before and I will state it once again - if you have the nerve and audacity to play hard ball with me, fine with me; BUT, you better learn rather quickly how to play fair-n-square because that's the only way this homey plays.

Towards the end of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, I believe the commander of those forces once stated "I'm afraid we have awoken a sleeping giant." Well, again, I may be just one person, perhaps even a little guy to most, but I think this phrase is extremely appropriate regarding the aforementioned situation. The generation of Hiv/AIDS activists that I come from is the same generation from which people like Larry Kramer, Cleve Jones, Bobby Campbell and so many others led the way for the rights of us Hiv'ers nationwide and worldwide. For those of us who are fortunate enough to have lived back then and survived this long, the present and the future continue to hold the promise the past always held - that if we stand up united in the same exact goal and fight for what is right, there is no way victory cannot be obtained. The fierce desire to pave the way for others was sparked and thus born unto that generation and that is the mettle I come from. If I am wrong about any of my convictions I will stand up as any decent human being should and admit that I am wrong. But, as I stated earlier, I don't think I am wrong, not this time.

With all my heart-n-soul I pray that a vaccine for the Hiv virus is created very soon because I want back those years that were lost due to this-n-that serious infection and this-n-that ravaging side-effect - I think we all do. But we're not gonna get there by being broken up and scattered into this-n-that clique and how could we? The only way we all are gonna make it to be the first ones in line to get innoculated with that magic bullet is by uniting in the same common cause, one for all and all for one, if you will. The new medical miracles on our horizon as this generation attempts to flourish forward into the fuutre need to be greeted and utilized by us all, not a select few. It's funny in a way, I thought that having this disease would change people for the better, wake them up and make them realize how all life is precious, perhaps even humble them a bit; but, in some cases I guess that not even being Hiv+ could penetrate thru to some peoples shallow, inner cores. In a way I almost feel sorry for them but then I think maybe if once, just once, they would get deathly ill like some of us have and get really, really scared about their own personal immortality, just once, maybe then they would realize that drawing lines doesn't help anyone, it only harms the overall good. I don't know which would be better, that scenario or perhaps making them into the mirror for once and for all. In the upcoming months I hope to find that answer. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo