No, this isnt gonna be a piece about nicknames I have for Republicans nor an admonishment about that particular part of the human body that most of us gay men out there do sincerely and wholehearedly appreciate. This is gonna be about nuts, the food, and why even though they are high in protein and one of the best nutritional foods out there, they can equally be one of the most dangerous foods for many of us. Anyone who has ever had any form or degree of diverticulitis and/or colitis and has gone to even a halfway decent gastroenterologist knows quite well that at the top of the "Dont Eat!" lists, nuts of any kind, followed by peanuts, popcorn and any foods with seeds in them,(such as strawberries, kiwis, sesame seeds, poppy seeds, etc.) are the natural enemies of those of us who are plagued with either of the aforementioned medical conditions. I know firsthand about this because in July, 2009 I ended up in the hospital for a little over a week due to diverticulitis and let me tell you, it was notta fun experience by any means. Luckily I did not have to have surgery but I hope to never ever have to go through that pain again because the thought of it getting worse, with the risk of having to have a colostemy bag, scares the living bejesus outta me! So, I control the problem with proper eating precautions and so far so good.
Believe me, if someone woulda told me years ago that someday I'd never be able to grab a handful of mixed nuts or eatta a third of a bag of Betty Crocker's Extra Butter Pop Secret popcorn, I woulda told them they were nuts (no pun intended!) but for the safety of my health I am very pleased with myself that I did indeed give up those things, as well as many others. Yes, it was a very difficult and unnerving process, to have to constantly monitor every single thing that goes into your mouth but it's well-worth it. I realize that there are many medical condiotions which dictate whether or not a person needs to have a colostomy bag. I also realize that you gotta do what you gotta do to survive and millions of people live perfectly normal, healthy lives with them. However, with all the health issues I have that is the last thing I need in my life, so I choose to do my best to prevent it from ever happening. Just because a person has a bout with diverticulitis or colitis does not mean they eventually will have to ever consider the colostomy bag route but in some cases it does and I'm gonna do my damnest to prevent that from ever becoming a reality with myself. The best advice I can give anyone in regards to this is to follow your gastroenterologist's orders and suggestions down to a T and never ever hesitate to ask questions.
What I went through in July, 2009 was a terrible case of diverticulitis but probaly no different from what a lotta people have experienced with the same exact condition. I woke up one morning and was doubling over in pain, so much pain in my abdomenal area that I could barely walk. Luckily, a co-worker and I were suppose to go swimming at the sportsclub where she hadda membership to that morning and when she arrived I told her "Look, I think I need to go to the hospital." So, she helped me get into her car and away we went to the ER. Once I got there and they diagnosed me they told me "We're gonna have to admit you, we think there may be some internal bleeding in that area" to which I responded by looking up at the ceiling and saying "It's always something, isnt it?" They did an emergency colonoscopy shortly after admitting me and for the next 8 days I was laid-up in the hospital and wondering to myself "What if the two tears they found get worse??" For my first time dealing with that condition I found out via a few of the nurses on my floor that I had every right to be concerned. For what its worth usually if they find any tears in your bowel system they usually seuter them right up with one of those laser things but thank goodness mine didnt get that bad. After getting out of the hosptial all I had to do is something I still do - go to my gasteroenterologist for 6-month check-ups. Just as is the case with my post-cancer follow-ups, those 6-month checkups are essential for continued good care as well as prevention of future episodes.
So if what happened to me ever happens to any of you, don't panic, just be aggressive with your treatment and prevention options and you will be just fine. I always tell folks, if I can live through that kinda bullshit, anyone can. That diverticulitis episode really scared the shit outta me (no pun intended!). I kept thinking to myself, "How the hell am I gonna eat anything, how am I gonna live normally??" Like I said, it can be done. I'll give you a few ideas how.
Peanut Butter or whichever Nut Butter you'd like to try. If you love peanuts or nuts of any kind, you may just find yourself falling in love with these versions of them. Naturally, you'll want to go with the creamy version of either of these butters. If you dont like Peanut Butter, then try out the Nut Butter version of your favorite nuts. Yes, Nut Butters - and even some Peanut Butters for that matter - can be very costly, so here's what you do - that is, if you are as serious about this as I am. When you go to your local grocery store, ask one of the folks who work there if they give samples of any of the Nut Butters. If they dont, then ask them to give you a call when they know they are gonna have free samples available. Organic food stores such as Whole Foods, Wild Oats and Trader Joe's are really good at allowing you to sample certain products before purchasing them, so go with that option whenever you can.
Popcorn. Forget it, just forget it - unless you love eating the non-kernal part of it; otherwise, you're better off to just avoid it. Anyone who loves popcorn knows that there simply isnt any substitute for its flavor and it's true, there really isnt, I've looked!
I've already discussed nuts BUT avoiding them in everything we eat is a real pisser at times. Healthy salads - watch out for nuts in them. Cookies, brownies, certain cakes (all of which should be eaten in moderation or not at all, if you ask me) of all kinds have nuts in them but when it doubt just ask. All nuts are to be avoided but the ones I was told were the most dangerous are Walnuts and Pecans because whether in whole or chopped up form, they literally have the most potential to create tears in your bowel and intestinal walls. The nuts I miss the most? Pecans - my favorite nut of all. And Pistachioes, not the messy, nasty red ones but the all-natural, lightly salted ones. Oh I miss those terribly. Give me a cup or so of those and a Coke and I was in Heaven!
Seeds. Now some seeds are so damn tiny that they really dont cause a problem while others that are larger than a poppy-seed can sometimes be softer than other seeds. As an example, anytime you eatta sandwich, avoid the sesame and poppyseed breads and/or buns. Tomato seeds are the same size as Strawberry seeds but unlike those seeds, Tomato seeds are softer and will not harm you. Though fast-food is bad for all of us, period, you'd be surprised how much you wont eat at those places since 99 times outta 100 its impossible to avoid sesame seeds when dining out anywhere. And if you cant, yeah, do what I do, scrape as many of the little bastards off as you can! Also, seeds not only can cause tiny tears in the bowl/intestinal walls but they also have the potential to get stuck there and actually ferment - gross, I know - which in turn can cause both minor and major infections. When it doubt, like I said, always check with your specialist to be on the safe side.
Have I fallen off the nut-free bandwagon at all the past year or so? Oh yes, of course, but very rarely and very unintentionally. But, like with any goal, you dont give up and go back to your former ways, you get back on the saddle again. Since July, 2009, I have failed 3 times. First was when my Gram sent me her famous chocolate-walnut brownies, oh whatta religious experience those were! Like an oinker, just as I was about to inhale my 2nd one, it hit me "Oh fuck! Walnuts!! Rutrow!" So I gave the rest to the kids who live 2 doors down from me - easily solved. The second time almost made me cry - literally. I had ordered a take-out Thanksgiving dinner at one of the local eateries down the street from where I work and when I got home and opened it up, they gave me Pecan Pie instead of Pumkin Pie. Now I love both kinds of pie but Pecan Pie has always been my personal favorite - always. But, again, I wrapped it up and gave it to a neighbor lady. I wanted that pie so damn bad but I look at it this way - diabetics can still eat sweets BUT of all the forbidden ones, Pecan Pie is the most forbidden of them all because it is literally pure sugar all the way. The third and most recent time I failed was in April of this year when one of my cousins, who was on a business trip to the LA area sent me some pecan-flavored nougat candies from See's Candies. They were flavored and delicious BUT they also contained some actual nutmeats in them, so the neighborhood children got lucky again! Oh well, even for those of us who cant enjoy certain foods anymore, why deny others the choice to enjoy them, ya know?
So there's my take on nuts and why it can be extremely unhealthy to eat them. Last night on one of the nightly newsshows that was on in the lobby of my 2nd job, one of the experts said "Eat almonds, they are extremely high in protein and soooooo good for you!" Naturally I mumbled to myself "Yeah, I'm sure they are Sparkarella, but not if those sweet slivered almonds act like machetes in your intestinal system! No thanks!" Oh and I miss those too, those different seasoned almonds by Blue Diamond, so righteous! But I'm better-off simply avoiding them. And, should you be in the same shoes as me, you would be too. I love and miss the taste of many kinds of nuts, and yes, they are extremely nutritous but in many cases the damn things are just not fit for human consumption. As for those of you who can eat them, I'm jealous, yet wise, very wise about what they're capable of doing. Wishing you all great health. Thank you for reading.
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