With what's been happening in our world over the last few weeks it truly surprises me that I still havent broken down and grabbed a lit cigarette from the hands of one of the several street people I encounter on my way to work every morning, but I haven't and I am very proud of myself. For today at least. You see, I quit smoking back in 2003 and though you may hear or read testimonial after testimonial from former smokers who profusely exclaim such absolutions as "Well I am just so goddamn happy I quit and I don't miss it, no Sir-ree, not for one second, why I never ever even think of going back to it" such is not the case with every former smoker out there. That may be the truth for some people out there; BUT, for every non-smoker out there who claims this, there are 10 to 15 of us who will tell you otherwise. As to who you want to believe, that's your choice. But I am here to tell you - and if more former non-smokers were honest with themselves and the rest of us, they would tell you too - it is not this life-altering, conscious-altering experience that turns your world around all for the better, complete with the sun shining, the birds singing and some Julie Andrews-wannabe skipping gaily down the lane with a giant shit-eatting grin on her face. Can people successfully quit smoking without losing their sanity? Absolutely. Is it worth it in the long-run? In my experience thus far, absolutely. They say quitting smoking cigarettes is so difficult because they are as additive as cocaine, heroin and/or alcohol, but I dont know about those things. What I do know is that quitting was truly one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life.
But, there's a logical explanation for this. With people of my generation - those born in the mid-60's and who went to high school in the early 80's - we were like all the generations before us - you started smoking because it looked cool and you were considered cool. Everybody who tried smoking did it for that sole reason, to fit in. Then as some of us began smoking regularly, it became both a habit and an addiction like any other drug out there. Some people claim it's an oral addiction problem, a psychological clutch and so on and so on. I'm not denying any of these explanations, all the reasons why people smoke are real and legitimate, even those who simply enjoy doing it - hey, there are folks out there who do it for that reason alone. But that's not the point I'm trying to make. For myself personally, I feel the reason it was so damn hard to quit smoking cigarettes was because of my extremely deep psychological attachment to them, something way more friggin intense than I ever imagined it could be.
While everyone else was trying it once or twice and then walking away from it, like many others, I continued to smoke in those early years. I had my first cigarette when I was 13 years old, had the equivalent of about one pack from that time period up until the age of 15, which is when I started smoking regularly. But in the first few years of smoking regularly (never over a pack a day) I still kept trying to quit off-n-on until I finally figured out why I was so unsuccessful at it. It was way more than just a habit or an intense addiction for me. What happened was simply this - I used cigarette-smoking for both stress control and anger managment. Only I took it several steps further. Anytime I got pissed off about anything - personal, professional, family bullshit, you name it, I lit up. Anytime I got sad or suffered anxiety of any degree, or was simply a nervous wreck, I lit up. Now most people wont be surprised by any of these reasons but for me they were deeper than most people I knew ever experienced.
When I quit back in 2003, it took me many, many months to psychologically recondition myself to deal with life without my beloved nicotine. I did most of it on my own but I am not ashamed to admit that I did join a few different support groups for what morphed into a horrible psychological addition. And that's what it was, mine wasnt a "psychological excuse" or "psychological crutch" mine truly was a deeply rooted psychological attachment issue. I knew myself way too well to realize I woulda never made it by myself if I hadnt taken the first long steps in joining those groups. Most people don't even like to think of admitting that that is how outta control one's life can become. Try to imagine quitting and realizing that if any certain sensor within yourself was set off you instantly felt compelled to literally bash your fist right through a wall or even another person's face. I'm not kidding. No, I never did end up actually doing either of those things but what I went through those first several months of quitting was not the usual crabbiness and crankiness that most folks go through. I had to literally recondition my own inner psyche to not fly off the handle and go after other people. Stress management and anger control support groups, laugh if you will, those are the 2 things that aided me in quitting smoking. Dont get me wrong, I wasn't a chainsmoker by any means, but imagine having your own inner sensors set off for whatever reason and reaching for a cigarette that was not there - nor ever would be again. For me, personally, it was hell. But I made it. And so can you if you truly commit yourself to it.
Would I ever go back to it? In all honesty, no, but as I have written about in previous pieces of mine, there is always that constant temptation. Always. Do I still get urges after all these years? Hell yes and again, perhaps there are people out there who sincerely and honesty claim they do not and I do believe those individuals; however, I also know there are millions of non-smokers in my camp too, who like myself know that the most successful way of going about quitting AND staying quit is to simply take it one day atta time. Like with any form of drug addiction, it's sooooo damn easy to fall back into it, it really is. What do I do now when I get upset about something? I remind myself that I am in control, whatever is bothering me does not control me and I do one or more of the following: communicate about it, take a long brisk walk to clear my mind, do breathing exercises (hey, I'm here to tell you that those really, really do work!) or I do what they use to call "a mini-relaxation exercise" - something that makes you relax as you do it, something very simple, such as making yourself a cup of tea. And, of course, sometimes I write too, as my regular readers already know! Getting through one day atta time, that really is the secret to success on this battlefront and so many others.
I plan to continue to stay quit and for those out there who experience the same daily temptations that I do, hey guys, I know we can make it, we just gotta stay focused. Do whatever you have to do to quit and more importantly, stay quit. Doesnt matter what methods you use, whether cold turkey, patches, gum, prescribed medications, whatever route you go you can make it, I know you can. Don't let anyone you know laugh you outta joining any available quitting-smoking groups, it really does help hearing about and learning from other peoples experiences, especially when they are going through the same exact thing you are. And as for the overly self-righteous non-smokers out there, listen to their experiences too but if at any time you have doubt in what they're saying, don't stress yourself up over it, just remember that to every true story there is always a certain degree of unadulterated bullshit tucked in here-n-there. Follow your own instincts, you'll know the right thing to do.
Last week I learned that a very good friend of mine plans on quitting smoking cigarettes in the near future. That makes me happy because of the many many reasons to quit and stay quit, prolonging one's continued good health and living a longer life are some of the best reasons of all. I really enjoy chatting with him when our time schedules allow, reading his various postings and most of all, watching him in full-action when he's standing up for one of the causes we mutually believe in. His inner life spirit is nothing short of amazing, especially when he steps onto his occassional thunder-making soapboxes. He's my friend and I want him around for a long, long time so I am very proud of him for deciding to quit smoking and I fully support him in that. In fact, I fully support each and every one of you out there who is currently smoking and considering quitting. I wont tell you have to do it, or that you need to do it, but I will say this much - if you truly want to quit, I wish you would. As for my other friends who are smokers, you wont ever getta lecture from me on quitting because no matter what any of you do, I will always love and accept you no matter what; but, if you ever decide you wanna try quitting, I'll be there for you if you want me to be. I wish great health to all my friends. Thank you for reading.
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