I contemplated writing this piece for a good 20 minutes or so before sitting down to do so because I'll be honing in on a coupla different subject areas, granted that Posterous does indeed autopost this for me correctly, which it most certainly has not done the last two times I have written. Oh well, life is all about taking chances so whatcha gonna do, ya know? Both subjects have one central theme in common, at least from my standpoint. They are both connected with the absurdity of human nature, one in both the humorous and tragic sense, the other in just the latter sense. When it comes to our life experiences in general, I think when you can sit back and find the humor in anything it's a pretty safe bet that you have your act together much more than you think, much more than those around you assume. However, there is nothing humorous to be found in something as needless and wasteful as suicide.
The current continous string of GLBTQ youth suicides that have been taking place across our great nation have upset me very very much. Millions of us out there are deeply horrified by the sadness and tragedy of these terrible events. Out of my own frustration and anger regarding the matter, I kept asking myself last night "Isnt there something we can do, aside from raising public awareness about this problem, as well as trying to work with our local school districts to make sure that no GLBTQ youths are falling through the cracks of the system??" I couldn't answer that question for myself, let alone anyone else, even after personally messaging or chatting with a few of my closest online friends. Face it, the majority of us are stumped on this one. But then I thought more and more about it and what, if anything, could I personally do to make a difference. An idea popped into my head, albeit an idea that I dont think will go much beyond the thought process but I can always keep it on the backburner should I deem it necessary to do so.
Our personal identities can be as simple or as complex as a boat sailing on the water or an overly-intense algebraic textbook question. For myself, although I am one single person, I have 2 identities, one of them being a mere extension of my full self. On one hand, I'm the average, mild-mannered Hiv+ gay guy busting my ass at work, trying to make ends meet and trying to enjoy life when I have the time to do so, like so many others out there are doing as well. On the other hand, I'm also HivSpice, a nice little Hiv'er who does his best to educate the public regarding issues that concern the Hiv+/AIDS world, as well as promoting public awareness on a host of other issues that directly affect the overall GLBTQ community. Trust me, I've thought intensely about both of my identities a lot this past month, especially on how as HivSpice I have not only made a positive difference (no pun intended) in the lives of others, but I'm reaching an audience that I never could as the whole me. Unlike a lot of the other Hiv/AIDS activists out there, although I'm not competing in any popularity polls like the majority of them are, damn, even my writing is getting more exposure than it ever has before. Don't get me wrong, I did not create HivSpice to be self-serving in any way but I must call a spade a spade here guys & gals - if I were to take and set aside all that is HivSpice and substitute him with my real identity, why I'd be addressing an elusive audience of humming crickets! It's true guys, I can do so much more as HivSpice than I can as the real me. Is that sad, perhaps even pathetic? Hell no, not when it comes to helping others. When it comes to that, you do what you gotta go cause as I always say, that's what it's all about Baby.
So last night I seriously considered taking this all one step further. What if I were to take my real identity and stand up as an advocate for the rights, safety and welfare of our GLBTQ youth? I mean, let's face it guys, no matter what I write as HivSpice and no matter how much I could extend my heart of friendship and compassion towards our youth, even if any of those youths were to read what I have written thus far on the suicide issue, do any of you honestly think any parent is gonna allow their children to confide in a person with an anonymous identity? Let's take it one step further - would YOU, if you were a parent, feel comfortable in allowing your children to speak to a perfect stranger without a face? No, and guess what? Me either, it'd send up a red flag for me too. It shouldnt matter if your children are gay or not, they should be your most important life treasures, regardless of who is attempting to help them. I thought about it some more. If I were to take and seperate Spice and the real me, and use the real side of myself to make a difference in the lives of these kids, I think it would work, I think it'd be worth a try. Spice can tackle the Hiv/AIDS issues, naturally as it should be, but the whole me would focus mainly on the GLBTQ youth issues. Plus, when it came to general issues, both Spice and the whole me could promote even more awareness because as we all know, two heads are better than one, so to speak.
But there's one major kicker in the above scenario. I dont think I could handle it - and I'll tell you why. Quite frankly, between working the long days-n-nights that I do and then shifting gears into HivSpice mode the second I get online at night, I can barely keep up as it is. There is no way in hell I could juggle this all - how on earth would I find time, moreso, when would there be time? I've already faced the reality of it all - I'm burning the candle from both ends as it is right now and there are some nights when I literally do fall asleep in front of this computer. Now I know some folks have personally told me how ridiculous that is and that I need to take better care of myself, but I do take good care of myself it's just that I work so much that I truly dont get the chance to make as much of a difference as I could if I had a more normal work schedule that would allow me to have a more normal life. Again, I'm not complaining, just merely telling it like it is. The solution? My goal in the not-too-distant future is to devote fair amounts of time to all my priorities but for right now, this is as good as it gets.
In all honesty, I do find myself chuckling somewhat about this identity business. As most of you know, I love to joke around and flirt with others online, I think we all do, though I'm more open and honest about it than your average internet junkie. In addition, I do live by the concept that if you are real and are gonna be part of my life, you need to be proud to be yourself, whether you are joking around or being deadpan serious. But there's one more component to this concept that many arent aware of. When people are that way with me, I in turn wanna give them the same respect. For all those people I associate with online, there are more than several of them that I'd love to be the whole me with. I'm serious, I feel extremely comfortable with many of you out there and there are some of you that I do trust to the point where I would feel comfortable with revealing my real identity with you on a one-on-one basis. So over the last 3 or 4 months, I've bolstered up my courage and experimented a little bit. I've actually sent out Friend Requests on Facebook under my true identity to about a dozen or so people but get this - no one has ever responded back! No shit. Maybe the following example will give you a more concrete realization of what I'm talking about.
I have - okay, technically speaking, HivSpice has - a very very dear friend who is a blast to chum around with when we're both online at the same exact time. Our work schedules are opposite of each others so whenever we get the chance to talk and bullshit online, we jump right in. But here's the kicker - in the last 2 months I have sent him a total of 4 Friend Requests via my real identity, even with a "personal note" such as "Hi, I'm a friend of Spice's, wanna be friends?" and not once - NOT ONCE - has he responded back!! And I keep wanting to yell out "Hello!?! HELLOOOOOO!?!?!?!" It simply blows my mind! You see, he's one of those several or more people who constantly say to me "When are you gonna have a pic online?? When do I get to see the real you???" But, he's not the only one - there are about 10 or more of you whom I speak with on quite a regular basis and when I have sent you a Friend Request from the real me, not one - NOT ONE - of you has ever responded back! No shit. I keep thinking "Well maybe it's me" but I dont think so. Without just coming out and saying who I am directly, I've been so honest with each and every one of you about my person, I've told you all the full truth about myself, perhaps even to broken record-like status. I'm a very simple, plain-looking person in real life, I blend into any crowd without anyone giving me a second glance, and it simply doesnt get anymore uncomplicated than that.
This all makes me wonder, for those of you who are not yet my close personal friends, what is it that y'all expect to see in me should you see what the real me looks like? Someone with a gym-clone body and ravishing movie-star-like physical qualities? Sorry guys, that aint ever gonna happen. If that is indeed what any of you are thinking, I dont think any of you could ever view me that way, unless of course, you were to do so after downing a fifth of Jack Daniels or Wild Turkey and a bong or two of the good stuff! Granted, I'm notta mutt or an ogre by any means, I still do turn a head here-n-there; but, if anyone is expecting to view a gay Adonis-like creatue with drop-dead gorgeous looks and a rippling, glistening six-pack on his chest, damn, that's simply not realistic.
So unless something really majorly drastic happens to me in the next month or so, I have made the conscious decision to keep HivSpice and the whole me seperate - permanently. For one of the very first times in my life, people are actually listening to me, they are taking notice of my actions and they are eager to listen to what I have to say; and, the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae? They are doing so because of me. Not because of anyone else, not because of Jack and his accomplishments, not because of the Mystery Man and his current noteriety; but, simply, totally, and undeniably because of me. I may have reached my personal goal via an anonymous identity but I did it all on my own and no one can ever ever take that away from me. It wasnt my true intention to "come into my own" this way, but I'm extremely thankful that it happened this way because otherwise I would've never become acquainted with all the wonderful indivivduals I have met along the way as well as have been fortunate enough to call my true friends.
The real me is out there on the internet, alive and well, but I have come to the realization that maybe, just maybe, people for the most part finally do consider my true identity a non-issue. I'm not trying to toy with any of you, mess with your minds or to even draw attention to myself, but there are many of you who have had the opportunity to view what I the whole and complete person behind HivSpice looks like and I sincerely believe that if it was sucha huge issue, I woulda heard about it from you all by now. In a way I'm glad I havent because to me it means that everyone is finally comprehending the full picture about HivSpice - his ultimate purpose is what it's been since day one- making a good difference in the lives of others. Thank you for reading.
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