For Japan, For All of Us - Sunday, March 13, 2011

If anyone had told me, even up to the day before the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear reactors incidents took place in Japan, that I would feel even one tiny morsel or shred of sympathy, compassion and hope for the people of Japan, I woulda told that person they were totally whacked out of their heads. And I probaly woulda said what I've been saying since the first day I became a history buff in my pre-teen years "Are you kidding me? I'm still majorly hocked off about what happened at Peal Harbor and I wasnt even alive when it happened!" I never thought in a million years I'd ever say this but screw history, as a human being I can do nothing but react in pure shock, horror, outrage and anger towards what happened to the citizens of Japan several days ago.

After living through the Loma Prieta earthquake of October, 1989 in Northern California, I never ever thought I'd see in my lifetime an event more than 20 times worse than that horrible day. Well I have, every one of us who have been an outside spectator of this unimaginable tragedy in Japan has, and I dont know about the rest of y'all but my heart is broken. The loss of 10,000 (and counting) lives has literally crushed my spirit. When I heard those latest numbers, it hit the pit of my stomach like a giant anvil of great loss and my heart literally sank so deep within me as my tear ducts lost control for several minutes. And when I think of the thousands of innocent lives being lost, of being tossed within the wreckage and waves of one of the worst natural disasters humankind has ever experienced, it does indeed make one unforgettable impact that will not diminish for the remainder of my lifetime and most likely even beyond.

In one of the news excerpts from the CBS News Sunday Morning program, hosted by Charles Osgood, which I viewed earlier this morning, the current prime minister of Japan was quoted as saying that the disaster his country is now dealing with is the worst his nation has ever experienced since World War II and in my opinion, that's a pretty damn accurate assessment of the situation. Yes indeed, because what's happening in Japan right now is far worse than when the atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki back in '45 and if you wanna go tit-for-tat, in regards to my Pearl Harbor reference, in terms of human lives lost, this disaster is actually 5 times (or more) worse than what happened at Pearl Harbor. But we're not talking about historical statistics here, we're talking about people, their lives, their loved ones, their homes and so much more. In other words, it's the principle here because whatta lotta folks out there dont understand is that when it comes to things such as deadly natural disasters, we're not making comparisons to demonstrate a measure of magnitude or severity of the situation, we're making comparisons because by doing so it simply allows us some form and some degree of control over a situation which we basically have no control over whatsoever. Is that bad? Is that good? Neither. It simply means that we're human and we're doing our best to come to terms with events that for the most part are way beyond the conscious realm of our thought patterns. 

Yes, sure, we all could imagine something as horrible as what happened in Japan several days ago happening, but only in something like a super-duper special effects film eminating out of Hollywood; but, in real life? Nah, it would take A LOT for something like that to happen. Well, that's exactly what it did take and what happened in Japan is an undeniable, irrefutable example of how powerful indeed the forces of Mother Nature truly are. It's even been said that every now and then humankind needs a reality check to remind it where it stands in the overall schemes of the Universe. If that indeed is true, then all I can say is that what happened in Japan this past week is one such reality check that I pray never ever happens again because we humans certainly do not need any such reality checks, we deal with enough crap in our daily lives as it is without having to experience such unfathomable disasters. In fact, right now, our major concentrations should continue to be on rescue and relief efforts in helping the nation of Japan deal with the aftermath of everything that has happened, as well as sending our thoughts and/or prayers of hope and compassion to that nation, not worrying about whether or not this disaster tops this-or-that's Top 10 Disasters Lists for "Most Original Disaster" or "Best Multi-Faceted Disaster."

Speaking of the aftermath, there's something I'd like to say to two factions of American society that have been extremely verbal in their assessments of the disaster in Japan, ever since it was first brought to our attention by the media. The first group I will classify as "Nature Followers," you know who I'm talking about, the people who for the last several days have been running all around, jumping up-n-down here-n-there and saying things like "Ohhhhhh is Mother Nature majorly pissed off at all of us!!! See!! SEE!!! We all need to bow down to Her and pay homage to her, we must worship Her and ONLY Her!!" Yeah, I got some choice words for you peeps and your god/goddess but go ahead and do your worshipping while I write this piece and sharpen my nails at the same exact time. The second group is none other than those individuals whom I will classify as "Organized Religion Followers," you know what folks I'm talking about, the people who like the first group, are running all around like chickens with their heads cut off and saying "Ohhhhhhhh it's the end of the world!!! Oh my God!!!! God is so pissed off that he's gonna destroy us all, every living inch of us, our families, our loved ones, our cities, our shopping malls - He's gonna do it all goddamn it and you better watch out!!" Before I further address both groups, I'd like to say to the second group right upfront - if you're gonna spend most of your lifetime praising a God who intentionally caused or allowed what happened to Japan this past week happen, then I'm here to tell you that your God is an evil, vindictive god whom I personally do not care to associate myself with. 

Alright you "Nature Followers." Now look, I love how y'all are committed to respecting and preserving the sanctity of our great planet that we have because like yourselves, I too think it's one of the most beautiful things in the known Universe and let's face it, we only get one planet, ya know? However - and I mean this most emphatically - IF you think, or even assume, that I or anyone else should bow our heads down to a force of Nature, or the force more aptly known as "Mother Nature," a force which just took the lives of 10,000 or more people all because it hadda major hissy-fit, then you can - please, by all means - bow down and kiss my sweet white American ass! Left-cheek please! I mean it, you do not and I repeat, YOU DO NOT bow down to anything that destroys and obliterates human lives, entire cities and the like just for the living hell of it! It is not right. It is wrong. It is sheer fucken insanity! Whatta buncha damn hypocrites. There isnt one of you who doesnt hesitate to stand up and throw crap at your Organized Religion counterparts, yet you guys are preaching the same goddamn crap that they are preaching - "Oh, thousands of people have died, so now we have to bow down and give reverence to whichever Divine Force, all the while reminding ourselves that we are idiots, we cant use our brains and souls for anything, we must bow down, we must!" When you Nature followers, you Druid-wannabes, you white wiccan, behave in this manner, you become just as negative, judgemental and oppressive as the other groups you so fervently oppose. Yet you guys would like me and everyone else on the planet to follow your ways, because the all-Natural way is the way to go? Oh please, you people need lay off of the magic mushrooms and get a hold of yourselves. 

Let me tell you what I'd do to your Mother Nature if that major nasty thundercunt were a real person. I'd walk up to her, give her the most deepest and best left hook of my entire life, and as the blood and teeth were flying outta her mouth, as she would struggle to ask me "Why'd you just do that??" I'd respond "That was for the people of Japan. Shame on you! This next one is for every man, woman, child, animal and living creature that you've personally destroyed since time began. Oh, and the third and final one is just to remind you that you're not the biggest bitch on top of the shitpile Sweethaht!" I would too. I'd smack the living hell outta that witch so damn bad she'd regret ever being created in the first place. Trust me, if such a scenario were possible, this would be one of those extremely rare times when physical violence of any kind would definitely be warranted.

You denizens of Organized Religion arent getting off scott-free either. "Oh it's the end of the world!!! The end of the world is coming!!! Oh My!!! Oh Dear!!! Oh Dithers!!" Yeah, like running around yelling that crap is gonna save your sorry asses should sucha event finally happen. Yep, running around screaming out unintelligible epitaphs is the way to save yourselves, yep, that's exactly what I would do too - NOT! You people need to get a hold of yourselves too and calm down. I'm pretty sure that if your definition of who/what is God is as loving and grace-blessing as millions of you out there claim He is, then He would want you to simply remain calm and use the brains He gave you to comprehend and deal with the situation versus flipping out all over the place like a bunch of spazzs who forgot to pick up their Percocet prescriptions over at Walgreen's! Like I said, I dont know when the world is gonna end either but I'd like to think I would try to remain as calm and rational as possible, should it happen in my lifetime, as well as do what I possibly could to save both myself and my loved ones. 

Look, I'm not saying that those of you who follow the Nature religions and Organized religions of the world should throw your personal belief systems out the window in the face of adversity, whether it be a major natural disaster such as what happened over in Japan this past week or not; but, to refuse to use your brains to figure out better ways on how you and your fellow human beings can devise even better ways of protecting ourselves against any type of disaster, as well as ensuring our survival on this planet, is just totally ludicrous. Whether you believe our brains were formed by some Natural process or by some Supreme Being is not the point - by not utilizing our intelligence for the good of others, you are not only spitting in the face of the Universe, but you're also spitting on your fellow human beings and either way you look at it, that's just not right. You're not only upsetting every fine balance in the Universe, you're also actually committing a crime against your fellow humankind. We're here to help each other, to make this world a better, safer place to live in, not to sacrifice our intelligence and our will to survive all for the sake of any Natural and/or Spiritual forces. It's okay to turn to any type of faith you personally believe in when things get tough, just dont ignore the safety and well-being of your fellow man in the process.

I wish there was more I could do for the people of Japan than just send them my thoughts and prayers of hope, safety and well-being but if all one can do is just those things alone, then that's okay because they are real tangible things that are sent out for the good of all others. Do events such as the disaster that is still currently unfoldiing in Japan question my own personal faiths, whatever those faiths may be? Yes, they do indeed but that doesnt mean that I or anyone who feels that way is a bad person, an evil monster that is gonna end up in some place akin to Hell just for thinking those thoughts. All it means is that I care enough about my fellow human beings to say "Forget the reasonings of how or why, we need to take care of you first, to rescue and care for you and your loved ones first, we'll worry about all those other things another time." I guess when it really boils down to it, we should keep in mind that if we dont make an effort to save others, how then can we save ourselves and moreso, what would be the point? My heart goes out to the people of Japan, not just today, not just tomorrow but for every day and night from here on out until this horrible situation is over with. May their loved ones be found alive, may their families be reunited and may each and every one of them live long enough for years to come so that they may look back one day and say "Wow, that was horrible, but we made it through, we survived." Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Random Thoughts About Jack - Thursday, March 10, 2011

Believe it or not, I've actually gotten slack for the amount of times that I've written in this blog about my deceased partner Jack, who died a few months after I was diagnosed Hiv+ in August, 1989. Some people have asked "Well, you've gotten over him, right?" or "How many more times are you gonna write about him?" Rather than chastise folks about such insensitive questions, my answers to those questions havent changed much in the last 22 years. Yes, I have gotten over his death and have gone onward with my life; but, that doesnt mean that I am not allowed to share pieces of my life with him, precious memories, gems of wisdom and any and everything about him with others whenever I'd like to because quite frankly, I have that right, I do have co-ownership of those years we had together.

As with any piece that I write in this blog, hey, no ones holding a gun to any of your heads and forcing you to read every single word I write. Regarding my recollections of the life I shared with Jack, a question I might ask the next time anyone approaches me with either of the aforementioned questions is this - you've never ever really truly been in love before, have you? Because if you have, if you have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a true love the way Jack and I were, then you watched the one person you loved more than anything else in the world slip away from you while they lay dying in your arms, well, let's just say that I dont think any of you would be asking such questions.

I thought about Jack a coupla mornings ago, as I was psyching myself into calming down after one of my most recent intense asthma attacks. Let me tell you, it was quite a humdinger of one too. As it was ending I sat down on the edge of my bed and actually started laughing because it reminded me of how Jack used to respond to me whenever I'd wake up with a bad attack. I'd immediately jump outta our bed and race for one of my inhalers and he'd rustle a bit, rub his eyes into focus and yell out "Where'd ya go, Brenda!?!?" He always use to make me busta gut whenever he'd say that cause he always use to say to me "Honey, after every single attack, you always sound exactly like Brenda Vaccaro!!" That was a standing joke between us for the longest time and looking back on those years, the only regret I've ever had about those days is that I shoulda stopped smoking back then, not until many years later like I did. Oh well, it always took a helluva lot for us smokers to get to quit because come hell-or-high water, our cigarettes would be the last thing in the world we'd ever consider sacrificing, that's for sure. Nowadays I'm glad I did quit cause if I hadnt, I dont think I'd be here writing this piece this very moment. Dont worry you current smokers out there, I wont lecture you on how dangerous it is to continue smoking following an asthma diagnosis, you'll draw the line sooner or later on that one yourselves, though I do sincerely hope for your sakes and the sake of your loved ones, it's sooner. Back to Jack...

It's almost funny in a way, I've spent more years preserving and protecting Jack's honor and the legacy of who he was as an individual then the actual amount of years we were together - 4 short years - but by the same token I would not trade in those years for anything in the world because they were worth it, every single second of them. It is true, we human beings really are capable of loving someone for a lifetime - and then some.

The times I miss him the most would have to be those times when I get really sick. I cannot tell you how many times I've laid there in a hospital bed, staring outta the window and daydreaming about what it would be like if he were still here with me. In fact, whenever a nurse or medical aide has asked me during such moments what I'm thinking about I've merely answered "Oh, just someone special" and they'd always respond back "Oh, that's nice." Yes it is, it's actually quite nice because sometimes I literally get tired, even weary, of having to take care of myself, by myself, all the damn time. That unto itself can be extremely upsetting. It's actually during such moments that I also get angry too. Angry that Jack is gone and not here to take care of me the way I took care of him but then I remind myself of how rough things were during his last year of life, how so very sick he felt most of the time and how his once healthy, virile body just simply couldnt take anymore from the AIDS, from the constant infections, from the pneumonia, from it all. Wishing he were still here, especially with being as sick as he was, would not only be extremely selfish, but just downright wrong. He needed to be free from all the pain and all the sickness, he needed to leave, he really did. Nobody deserves to go through such suffering, not him, not anyone, not the millions of others this disease has claimed. So you hold onto the happy memories and you keep them close to you because for those times when things seem the darkest they'll ever get, those very same memories will flicker on and keep you warm, and keep you going strong.

Yet as much as I will always love Jack, as much as I will always preserve and keep precious the time we had together in that special place in my heart, I know for a fact that if he could speak to me this very moment, he'd tell me to keep looking for that special someone who could make me laugh and be there for me in ways that he can't be. He was really unselfish in that way and always always wanted what was best for me. Unconditional love, it truly is unlike anything else in this world and I wish it for all of us. I do indeed hope that my next special someone is right around the corner but until I run into him, I'm just gonna enjoy life for what it is and I hope all you single folks out there will too. Time to autopost this and head home. I hope everyone out there is having a good evening and as always, thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Random Silly Thoughts For Tonight - Tuesday, March 8, 2010

Usually I pre-plan, put out a couple of drafts and then proof once or twice before I publish a piece in this blog but tonight I just wanted to kick back, let loose, and throw some random, perhaps even silly, thoughts out there. Relaxing as a writer is sometimes harder to do than the actual writing process itself but I think that's the case only if you make it that way. Every writer out there, whether beginning, amateur or professional needs to let their hair down once-in-awhile and simply chill-out.

Should I ever ever change my mind and reveal my full identity online, I think I'm gonna do it as a spin-off of the Wonder Twins superheroes from the Justice League of America cartoon series of the 1970's. Something like blending my two identities together (actually, I dislike that phrase because I really dont have 2 seperate identities - HivSpice is merely an extension of my real self), something along the lines of...."Wonder Twin powers activate!!!...form of a giant Red Ribbon!!...form of an aging 1980's gay beauty queen!!...." and then have my 2 online identities connect and merge into one. Kinda neat, huh? I know, I know, I need to readjust the amount of Combivir I'm on!

Theme songs. Now THAT'S something that none of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists have - a theme song. Maybe I'll be the first activist of my kind to do so. I really do think one of my most favorite songs of all-time, "Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money, featuring my beloved Ronnie Spector (the original Queen of Flouncing I might add) of the 1960's girl group, the Ronettes, would be the PERFECT theme song for me because of the beat, the somewhat mysterious, sexy undertones and the flouncing that takes place throughout the original video itself! I just love it! BUT, there of course is a flip side to all of this as well - the mixed message it could send out. It'd be like saying "Take home an Hiv+ person tonight and have your way with them!" or "Take the Hiv virus home with you tonight!" That's the only drawback of using that particular song and in this day-n-age where so many activists, including myself, are trying to promote much more effective and better Hiv/AIDS prevention messages than have been available in years past, I'm just not sure it'd be a good idea. Then again, on the flip-flip side, with the song and myself representing each other it could very well send out the message "Take your knowledge of the prevention of this disease home with you tonight and every night, always ALWAYS adhere to it." I do gotta admit though, it'd be a great song to use for entering and exiting a stage or public platform, as well as a good signaling song that ole' HivSpice is in da house. Guess I'll have to give it some more thought.

My Spice Jacket. When I first started writing this blog last year one of my earlier pieces was on the jacket I'd love to have specifically designed created for myself. Why wearing that thing alone would be like a breathing, walking, non-stop Hiv/AIDS public awareness campaign unto itself. Granted, it most certainly would draw a great deal of attention but that would be an excellent thing because that's what the world needs more of - continuous public awareness of this serious disease, as well as promoting acceptance of those of us who have it because with me wearing it folks would most likely say "Hey, he looks just like the rest of us" - a point that many a Hiv'er wishes the world would equally understand. We dont look like monsters from Mars or Death eating a coupla saltines extremely early in the morning hours, we look like everyone else, we act like everyone else, hell, we are everyone else. Of course, before putting the jacket on and hitting the streets (by the way, street activism is still very effective, has been ever since the early 1980's) I'd make sure I'd arm myself with condoms and the latest information pamphlets regarding Hiv/AIDS health statistics, dispelled stereotypes & myths, support systems information, testing sites, and any and everything else pertinent to the disease itself. I know, most folks would chime in "Dont forget the pepper spray, Spice" - nah, I wont be needing that. I may not be invincible but once people get a look at my size, I dont think there will be any problems whatsoever and dont forget, I not only have taken self-defense training, but I was raised by a US Marine. May the Universe itself protect any human that approaches me with any ill-intent whatsoever.

One other note on the Spice jacket - I think I might rewrite that piece and repost it in the near future. After all, I dont have alotta expendable cash these days and who knows, maybe someone out there who's an excellent seamstress might be able to advise me on how to create an affordable, realistic article of clothing which will represent one helluva huge statement upon its inaugural presentation, as well as many, many more to come after that. Hey, dont get me wrong, sure, it'd be a blast to go those hoyty-toyty, glittering fancy affairs like the majority of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists frequent so often (and hopefuly I will someday) but in the meantime, let me be on the streets, reaching out to the common, average folks like myself as well as those who are hard to reach; or, give me one of those big public rallies, those are the types of settings that someone like HivSpice was meant to be a part of, and an effective, productive part at that.

This was kinda fun, I should do this more often. I gotta get ready to leave work in a little bit and will autopost this right before I walk out the door. I hope everyone out there is having a fantastic night. Thanks for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Stalkingtime Again - Monday, March 7, 2011

I'm beginning to think its pointless even bothering to write about the subject of stalkers again but it seems that every time I turn around (or about once every 2 months) I end up attracting the attention of someone whose overall mental stability is fairly questionable. Now if I hadda real face and was in the headlines like some of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists are I guess I could understand someone becoming obsessed with me; but, a person with an anonymous identity? Now that's just downright pathetic. I mean, it's one thing to irrationally attach oneself to a celebrity such as a movie actress or a sports figure, but to live in a fantasy world where the nucleus of worship is a semi-closeted Hiv'er? Uhm, I think it's time to get some help - and fast! I used the term "semi-closeted" for there indeed are some folks who know who I really am; but, now I hope they finally understand why I am still so damn protective of my true identity. And how.

As I just indicated, this isnt the first time I've encountered what can be deemed internet stalkers and yes, I have written about them before and for the most part the approach of ignoring such people as well as deleting and blocking them from one's friends list has proved extremely effective so far. Yes, I say friends list because that's usually where they first latch onto you. Then within no more than an average of 3 weeks time, their true colors usually shine forth brighter than a sunspot zenith. It's kinda funny in a way almost - in real life, we can spot the average American whack-job walking down the street by merely observing their body language and facial expressions; but, just as with bullies, the anonymity of the computer screen allows stalkers to mask themselves, allows them to appear like ordinary citizens like the rest of us but as is usually the case, they usually betray themselves and show their true intentions due to at least 2 of their several stalker symptons. First, their extremely obvious emotional neediness, ya know, the clingy types. They will latch onto you like one of those early 1970's summer scabs you'd find forming on one of your skinned knee-caps, you know, the kind that you'd swear a teeny, tiny monster was living directly beneath because their ugly, stubborn insistence of remaining on your body for at least a good 2 to 3 weeks after first forming was so frustrating for a fidgety 7 year old to put up with. Like scabs on your knees, stalkers do eventually go away; but, not always.

Take my most recent one. She's quite a humdinger. Oh yeah, and before I go any further, I gotta ask this question out loud - why are the majority of my stalkers usually heterosexual females? Pardon me, but what the fuck is up with that? I have several straight female friends on my friends list who mean the world to me (they know who they are) yet every once-in-awhile, someone who apparently doesnt have both oars in the water seems to slide right by my detection sensors. What would someone like that have to gain from pestering the living hell out of someone like me? What possibly could they be lacking in their own lives that they think they can obtain from someone in my situation? I just don't get it.

I suppose the thing that really bothers me about this latest one is that she's doing something that I dont take too kindly to - she's literally go around and friending my friends; in other words, trying to insulate herself with my friends so that she feels like she's part of the group. Guess what my biggest problem with that is? No one asked her to be part of any group. Plus, can you imagine what any of my friends would say should she latch onto them as she has me? "What the hell is up with that one friend of Spice's who is bothering the hell outta everyone?" Though I rarely give a crap about what others think, in that scenario I do care, I care very much. Why I wouldnt even unleash someone like that on my worst enemies. Speaking of which, what my latest stalker doesnt realize is that not everyone on my friends list loves the living hell outta me, if you catch my drift. Oh my gawd, now that I think of it, wouldnt it be a hoot if she started latching onto some of those folks who dont care too much for me? Wow, now THAT's karmic retribution in full action, isnt it?  She'd actually be doing me a favor! Okay, okay, I'll stop laughing, I promise.

Since history dictates I can expect this kinda phenomena to continue on a regular basis, what do I do from here on out? Though I've always been both extremely and passionately respectful of honoring other folks confidentiality, when it comes to my stalkers, both current and future, I'm gonna throw my own rule right out the internet window. From this day forward, anyone who chooses to stalk me in any way, shape or form, is going to be warned just once and then publicly outted in this blog. For all the times that my stalkers, both past and present, have inundated me with in-box messages, interrupted my chat conversations with others who really needed somene to listen (remember, long-term Hiv'er survivors such as myself always make ourselves available to be there for others in any way we possibly can, it's sorta one of our life tenets, if you will) and who have suffocatingly hinged themselves on every single word I've ever written and posted, well,  you're finally gonna get your just rewards. Dont get me wrong, I care about everyone out there, Hiv'er and non-Hiv'er alike, but I gotta admit, it's kinda hard trying to be there for another fellow Hiv'er who is deathly ill when I got some needy, straight woman jumping up-n-down, all around me saying "Oh but look at me HivSpice!! I need help!! My problems need help too!!" Gee, sorry to hear that and you're right, you do need help but I can't help you, I have sick people who need my help and if you think for one second I'm gonna set aside their needs for someone who should be getting help from more appropriate resources, then you truly do live in a fantasy world.

Now if you're a heterosexual woman who just found out she is Hiv+ and you're having a really hard time dealing with the magnitude of your situation, there is a wonderful Hiv/AIDS support group here online for the newly infected which I can direct you to; but, other than that, ask yourself this - would you approach your local auto mechanic for a problem you're having with a dying philodendrum on your kitchen shelf? Exactly.

Well, one thing is for sure - this business of dealing with stalkers is living proof that I no longer need to validate who I am online. For anyone out there to become even the slightest bit stalker-like with me is living proof that I no longer need to prove that I'm just as real as the rest of you out there. Granted, I never wanted to come into my own via the tailcoats of stalkers but I guess if the message gets across, that's all that matters. But whoever you are and whatever you do online, please, do be careful because if this kinda crap can happen to me, it most certainly can happen to you too. Take good care of yourselves and those around you too. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

A Case of Unmistakable Identity - Sunday, March 6, 2011

Or perhaps the perfect alternate title woulda been "A Ghost from the Past." A very, very long time ago, not that many years after I created HivSpice, I became good friends with a guy whom I will aptly title "Buddy." Buddy because he was the type of friend whom you could talk to about anything under the sun and he'd be there to listen, to comfort and sometimes even cause you to break out in bouts of roaring laughter. He was a great guy all around but like the rest of us he was always looking for a better existence, a better life, a perfect niche in life where he would be totally and undeniably happy and content with life in general. Like a lot of folks out there, Buddy had won some major battles against a coupla personal demons of his - drugs and alcochol. When I knew him it was the year he was celebrating 8 years of sobriety on both of those counts - I was so extremely damn proud of him. Everybody who knew him was so damn proud of him.

One day he ran into someone online, a guy who would end up being his life partner, or so it was assumed all those years ago. The guy appeared to be a nice, geunine person, very goodlooking at that, a real hottie if you will, yet there was something about him that just didnt sit well with both myself and a few of Buddy's other close friends. There was something about this guy that just wasn't quite right. A few of us, myself included, shared our concerns about this with Buddy but as is the case in such life scenarioes, this was one of those times when it didnt matter who said what, it was one of those things that Buddy would have to find out for himself in order to believe it. He was very hesitant about uprooting his entire life in the part of the country where he lived and going to be with the guy, but even so, he did indeed make the move and less than a year after that happened, we all heard less and less from him. In fact, the last time I was in actual contact with him I asked him "Are you okay? Is everything going okay, Buddy?" He responded that it was but the tone in his voice was actually somewhat unnerving. So many times in the English language we use the word "distraught" over and over again, sometimes even too much, but that day, that conversation, that moment, is probaly the first time in my entire life that I actually expeirenced what that word truly meant because that is exactly how Buddy sounded, utterly and completely "distraught." As if there was something he wanted to say, that he wanted to tell me, yet for some unknown reason at the moment, he in some inextricable way could not say a word to me about it.

After that conversation, it was as if he fell off the face of the earth. Oh hey, that's not always sucha bad thing - when you find that special someone in your life why on earth wouldnt you spend the majority of your time totally focused on that person and the goings-on in that particular universe? Naturally if a person is even the most average of internet junkies, it's a well-known and perfectly acceptable fact of life that a person is gonna spend less time on the internet as usual. Be that as it could be, I always hadda bit of a feeling that it was something more with Buddy's situation though I could never actually put my finger on it. Soon after I came to miss him even more than I already had. Then one day I and the others stopped hearing from him all together and try as we all did to keep in touch with him, we just never heard back from him anymore. Whether online or even in real life, people can and do enter into our lives outta the blue and sometimes they slowly exit that way as well, nothing you can do about it, you just hope the best for them and march onward with your own life.

Then a coupla nights ago something that I never thought in a million years would happen to me online did indeed happen, though I didnt come to the full, actual realization of it till a few hours ago. I kept seeing a picture of this one guy online and every time I viewed it I said to myself "Hey, he's very good-looking, I sure wouldnt mind spending some time him someday!" and then thought nothing of it. Then it hit me this morning. I didnt find his picture so appealing because he's so physically attractive, I found it so appealing because I indeed knew who that person was in the photo. No, not Buddy, but the guy he pulled up stakes for and moved to be with. Let me tell you, I almost wet me-self when I realized who I was looking at. But here's the real kicker of it all....

The photo of this man is the same identical photo that I saw all those years ago! Now that unto itself should not be as much of a shocker as it is due to the fact that there are tons of people out there who post decades-old photos of themselves online and say "See, this is me, this is what I look like now." Yeah, and I'm secretly composer Hoagy Carmichael in disguise. Uh-huh. Hey, I'm not here to judge the guy or anyone else for that matter who does such things; but, I do have some questions about all of this: if this guy is using the very same photo that I saw more than 12 years ago, then what indeed does he really look like to begin with? I mean, was the photo I saw of him back in 1998, which is indeed without a shadow of a doubt the same exact photo that I have viewed several times this past week, the real him to begin with or not? Moreso, why is there no mention of Buddy anywhere on his internet profile? What exactly did happen betweem him and Buddy? Granted, the answers to that last question are, yes indeed, none of my damn business; but, I think it's extremely odd that he and Buddy were suppose to be a match made in Heaven all those years ago yet it's as if he never existed. Or could it be that this man has created this particular internet profile unbeknownst to everyone else in his life?

I suppose that at this juncture of the mystery and amidst all my heart-felt speculations, some people would most likely throw their hands up in the air and say to themeselves "Well this is just totally ridiculous! I'm just gonna go ask the dude what the deal is and find out what really happened to Buddy!" Yes, I suppose I could do that but thanks to the convenience of anonymity here on the internet, there is not one golden rule that states that the guy is required to tell me anything regarding the whereabouts of Buddy. In addition, since there is no mention of Buddy in connection with him anyways, what's to say that whatever he would choose to tell me about Buddy is factual to begin with? It's kind of ironic in a way but I guess it is true what they say - if you wanna lose someone on the internet, whether it be yourself or someone else, apparently it is very possible to accomplish sucha feat.

My next plan of action? Nothing, simply nothing. I suppose the real reason I wrote about any of this in the first place is because the only thing that is the same from all those years ago is, literally, myself. I'm the same exact person I was 12+ years ago except that I like to think I have changed for the better, that I am more mature, more wiser. I guess that's the best any of us can hope for. I mean, I've always wondered to myself from time to time "Will there ever be a direct connection between who I was in the early history of Spice to the current Spice of 2011, or will the two forever remain as a past seperated from the present and the future?" And in a way I think I've answered my own ponderings, my own question - there is always some connection, whether significant or not, between who we were, who we are now and who we may or may not become in the future. Funny, but I never thought I'd consider an absent friend as a direct link between my past and my present. But, I think one of the most important things is that we do our best to make certain we dont lose ourselves and who we really are along the way, whether it's between our past and present, or not. I hope that didnt happen to Buddy and I hope that wherever he may be, I hope and pray that he is safe and doing well.

As for Buddy's guy? Well, I have nothing to gain whatsoever in approaching him now, anymore than what I may or may not have discovered had I approached him years ago, because again, the guy doesnt owe me a thing just as much as I dont have the right to ask anything of him. So, whoever he really is, whatever he has done in the past and whatever he may contemplate doing in the future, I'll just keep my mouth shut, play along whenever I encounter him and when others comment on whatta great guy he is I'll just say "Yep, uh-huh, that's so true, you're so right" and the other various accolades that others give to people whom they think they know. After all, its we blondes, not other people, who are noted for being knieve about the world around us, Yet another thing people think they know. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

For Friendships New - Friday, March 4, 2011

Actually, the requests I am about to mention here shouldnt be specifically directed towards just any new and incoming friendships that I may find myself encountering from here on out, but also towards all existing friendships too. I do appear to write about the subject of friendship on quite a regular basis but perhaps that's because it's something that is a very important part of my life, it's something that means a great deal to me. Be that as it may, I have a couple of requests that I would like to make in regards to any new incoming friends I make along the internet way, as well as towards those who are my existing friends.

First, I would like to request of all of you that as we build our friendships together to try to abide by the following creed - that we as friends agree to disagree with each other and that regardless of how frustrated or angry we may become with each other we both realize that our viewpoints/opinions are mere collections of words; and, that those collections of words are NOT worth disassembling a friendship over. I can only speak for myself. Just because a heated debate may develop between myself and one or more other individuals, it does not automatically mean that afterwards I hold any harboring resentment towards those whom have a differing viewpoint from my own. Now on the other hand, if the subject that is being debated is one of those that the other person simply cannot neutralize themselves on, then please, at least be man or woman enough (depending on one's gender) to step up to the plate, make a general statement such as "I'm sorry, I cannot and will not alter my opinion on this, therefore we can no longer be friends" and be done with it - okay? This bullshit about people being judgemental, holding grudges and other pre-pubescent-like behaviors needs to stop. It's silly, it's petty chickenshit and frankly, I simply dont have the space for it in my life. Neither should any of you.

Second and similar in vein to what I just discussed in the above paragraph, should any of you ever find yourselves electing to "hide" my posts in the open newsfeed section of your homepage will you please do us both a big favor and simply delete me from your friends list? I'm serious. When you do something like that, it's equivalent to saying to the other person "Look, I really dont care what you have to say, nor do your viewpoints/opinions mean a damn thing to me, so be gone with you." Here's my point - if you dont care what the other person has to say, then why would you continue to keep them on your friend list? Even moreso, how can you, in good conscience, claim that person is your friend? It just doesnt make sense. Such rationale defies every single iota of logical, rational thought that exists out there on this great big planet of ours. Look, if you dont want anything to do with another person then get rid of them, put them outta of your life for once-n-for-all. Friendship is a two-way street and if you're not gonna give the other person the benefit of that fact, then you really arent a true friend to them to begin with, are you? I dont know about the rest of y'all, but I dont take too well to one-sided friendships. In fact, they're actually one of my personal pet peeves. So from here on out, if anyone contemplates doing that with me, please, just give me the good ole' heave-ho instead because that would be the more honest, respectful and civilized thing to do, okay? Thanks.

No, nothing has happened to upset or anger me in the slightest bit, it's just that I've been meaning to write about this subject for quite some time now but every time I turned around to pen it, there was always some other pressing issue that demanded just a bit more immediate attention, so I thought today would be a good day to throw all the cards on the table regarding it. Hopefully everyone will be able to respect where I stand on these issues but if not, oh well, it wouldnt be the first time I've pissed people off and I highly doubt it will be the last time either. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Regarding ABC's "What Would You Do?" Segment on Hiv/AIDS - Thursday, March 3, 2011

A few nights ago, a fellow activist, as well as someone I consider a good friend, Tom Donahue (founding director of whospositive.org), shared a link with me of ABC television's "What Would You Do?" segment series regarding Hiv/AIDS, which aired Friday evening, February 18, 2011. When Tom first sent me the link to the program I commented on how great I thought it was that he was getting the word out on it and just as I was about to view it for the first time, a very sick friend called to chat on the phone; so, I had to postpone viewing it till the next opportunity to do so arrived. Well, such an opportunity arrived yesterday afternoon while I was on my lunchbreak at work on my 1st job. When I viewed this program for the very first time, the emotional reactions that resulted were in a spectrum that ranged from pure rage and sadness, to tears of gratitude and hope for the future, and everything in-between. Knowing how reactive I get to watching such programs, I thought to myself "Okay ole' Spicey, just calm down, chill out, and let's watch this baby a 2nd time just to make 100% certain that you are right on target with all this stuff." So I did view it a 2nd time and thank God everyone else in my office area was literally out to lunch that afternoon because after the second viewing, my emotions were uncontainable. My emotional state of mind was totally overwhelming and looking back in retrospect I really do wish I woulda viewed this television segment AFTER I got home from work late Monday night, because within me raged a plethora of both negative and positive emotions that moved me so deeply that it indeed has forced me to thoroughly circumspect my own life.

In addition, from beginning to end, this "What Would You Do?" segment was excellent programming to say the least. Now I could go through every single shot and scene of what I saw and how I reacted to everything within that piece but I'm not going to because I sincerely want everyone out there, whether you're an Hiv'er or not, whether youre a cardcarrying member of the greater LGBT and Hiv/AIDS communities or not, EVERYONE, to sit down and watch this. And when you're done watching it, I want you to think about how you would feel and how you would react if you were in the same exact shoes as the actor Danny Logan was. Though some of the other people in that program were actors, the majority were not; so please, view it, think about it and form your own stance on it. For those who missed it's original air-date (as did I, had to work that night). Tom Donahue graciously shared the link with me to share with everyone and IF for some reason this doesnt work, then please feel free to visit my homepage on Facebook where you can view it via the link which Tom originally shared with me. The link Tom sent me is....http://tiny.cc/whospositive_Journal.

As for how I reacted to the parts of the program that set me off inside, I'm not even sure I can writing about them without this computer screen beginning to sizzle left-n-right, but I'll give it a try. I guess the best place to begin is the anger, the rage and the shocking disbelief I experienced when I saw how the other diner patrons reacted towards Danny Logan's announcement that he is Hiv+. Although there were several diner patrons in each scene that did stick up for him (Yes!! Way to go, good decent people out there!!) there were a coupla folks (one played by a fellow actor of Danny's) that literally made the hair on my back raise up. Actually, truth be told, I actually felt my adrenalin gland gearing up to kick into instant overdrive. When I saw those people treating him so cruelly just because he is Hiv+, it cut right through to my bones because as a fellow Hiv'er, I could easily visualize so many of us going through the same exact scenarioes that Danny did. I became so extremely mad at those people and the way they treated Danny like some subservient creature lower than the human race that it was one of those extremely rare times where I just wanted to climb through my computer screen, grab all those folks by their necks and say "Listen here you sonnsabitches, you leave that kid alone or you're gonna have me to deal with!!" I realize that as an actor playing a role, as well as a human being, that Danny Logan is no kid; but, since I am older than him and have been Hiv+ longer than him, being the type of person I am it's quite natural for me to sorta feel that parental twinge flairing up when I watched certain scenes in the program. 

What amazed me even more was not just how people could be so crude and demeaning towards another human being, but something else that "What Would You Do?" shared with the general public - that when it comes to the issue of Hiv/AIDS, there are still just too many people out there who are 100% ignorant and uneducated regarding the basic facts of this disease. You cannot contract the Hiv virus from someone who prepares and serves your food to you, let alone from someone sneezing around you or any of the other absurd assumptions which were illustrated in the program. It's impossible! The ONLY ways you can contract the Hiv virus are the same exact ways that they've always been since the disease was first discovered over 30-some years ago: through unprotected sexual activities, through infected blood and if a person is/was a drug-user, through using infected needles. You cannot contract it from someone who is Hiv+ serving your food to you. You cannot contract it from sharing a glass of water or even a plate of food with someone who is Hiv+. And, you definitely cannot contract it from sitting next to someone in a restaurant, or any other public place for that matter.

I guess that's one of the things that pained me the most about the entire program - after all these years of fighting tooth-n-nail to get through to people how you can and cannot contract the Hiv virus, people are still so extremely misinformed about it all. It just would make all those Hiv/AIDS activists who came before me simply roll over in their graves if they could see the sheer lunacy of it all. Bottom line - you cannot become Hiv+ via casual contact with someone AND, unless they changed it without telling me, being Hiv+ and having AIDS are two totally different things - just because you are Hiv+ does not mean you have AIDS - you are not considered having full-blown AIDS until your T-cell levels have dropped below 400. There is a difference and people need to know that.

When I finished viewing the program, naturally, I did sit down and look at my entire life circumstances and asked myself "Well Spice, what would YOU do IF the same things that happened to Danny happened to you?" Truth be told, and those of you who are my regular readers already know this, I have been in similiar scenarioes which I have previously shared in this blog, but in regards to what happened at the Colonial Diner in Lyndhurst, New Jersey, where Danny was at? I would have done the same exact thing that some of those other diner patrons did - I woulda stuck up for Danny and defended him left-n-right, regardless of what the consequences woulda been for me getting involved in the situation. I wouldnt have given a rat's ass, I have said this before over-n-over again and I shall say it again - why is it so damn hard for people to understand, even here in the year 2011, that people are NOT for hurting??? It doesnt matter who they are or what their medical circumstances are, PEOPLE ARE NOT FOR HURTING. You do not do it. It is NOT right. It is WRONG. It does NOT take a friggin rocket scientist to figure that out (by the way, animals are NOT for hurting either, but that too should go without saying). When you choose to hurt other people, then you set yourself up to get hurt too cause I'm here to tell you, karmic retribution is a fucken bitch. I mean it. We're suppose to be here to help each other, not hurt each other and especially not to make other peoples lives miserable. Why is it so hard for the human race to understand that? I just dont get it.

Oh, and by the way, yes, even with being anonymous with my Hiv+ status, I would STILL stand up and defend the honor of Danny Logan as well as anyone else who would ever have the misfortune of encountering the same exact scenarioes Danny did. Under those circumstances, I wouldnt give a flying fuck who knew because when you're out there standing up for what is right, there are times when your own personal preferences and/or circumstances definitely take a back seat to everything else - and the aforementioned scenario would be one of those times. At least for me it would be, I cant speak for the rest of you; BUT, I would hope y'dall stand up for your fellow human beings and do the right thing. Of course, it was those junctures in the programs where my tear ducts went into overdrive - I kept thinking "How could anyone with even a quarter of a human conscience mistreat another human being so horribly!?!" And when various diner patrons came to Danny's defense - the pregnant lady who invited him to join her and her group for dinner; the one of two women having dinner together who piped up; and, the 19 year old kid who piped up even more, I just lost it because it was so moving, so compassionate, that it did make me realize that there still are good, decent people out there and that there is always ALWAYS hope for the future.

Aside from me verbally speaking up and out, is there anything else I woulda done? Well, I gotta be honest here. Most of you who know me already know that I do NOT believe in physical violence of any kind whatsoever UNLESS it's strictly an issue of self-defense, like if someone is pounding on you to kill you, hell yes, I believe in fighting back 100%. In addition if someone is flagrantly bullying the living hell outta you and there literally is no avenue in which you can walk away and you simply cant take it anymore, yeah then too, but again, that falls under the arena of self-defense as well because either way, the other individual is inflicting one or more kind of harm on you. Be that as it may, there were a coupla junctures in the program where I think it MIGHT have escalated beyond verbal for me. No, I'm definitely not the type of person who walks around looking for a fight but I learned very early on (most likely from being raised on military bases here-n-there) that if you dont stand up for yourself, people are gonna steamroll you every chance they get. So you stand up strong like Danny did and you dont waver. 

As for the junctures of the program where it might have gone beyond verbal for me, the 1st woulda been the scene where the one male diner patron (portrayed by an actor) harassed the hell outta Danny for serving him a plate of food. Let me tell you - and I kid you not about this - had I been in the dinner when that happened, I probaly woulda flown right off the handle! I'm serious. I woulda gone up to that guy and said "Excuse me, but you cant get it from him serving you food, but I think it's time for you to leave anyways, Sparky!" And if he wouldnt get the message? Then the piece-de-la-resistance. As he was leaving I'd walk up to him really fast and say  "Oh, by the way, I have it too" then I woulda taken my tongue, licked one of his cheeks and said "There's your desert! Bon Appetit!!" Hey, dont get me wrong, I'm not Rambo-esque by any means, but if someone were to attempt to degrade me or any of the folks I care about, let's just say it'd be best if those people would proceed with great caution.

The 2nd time woulda been when that one woman diner patron (played by an actress) starting flipping out after being handled a menu Danny handled and how she kept ranting on and on. I know some people might not be too happy with me after stating this, but as I've said before in this blog - if you're going to instigate something with me, I dont care what gender you are, whether you are male or female or even somewhere-in-between, you're gonna stop under your own cognizance and if you dont, then I will make you stop. There's at least 2 scenarioes that might have happened had I been there. I either would've gotten up and said to her "Excuse me, that's my boyfriend you're talking to Lady and you cant get it from him handing you a menu, serving you your dinner and so on. So you gotta choice Princess, you either shut the fuck up or you leave. I suggest you choose very wisely." Or, I woulda simply stood up, tapped her on her shoulder and said "Excuse me, I'm the garbageman and I'm here to take out the trash. You have about 35 seconds to get ready, Sweethaht."

Those examples I just shared with you are EXACTLY how I would react. I can be as calm and mature as the next person and simply ignore it all and walk away. However, there are certain times in life where being calm and mature does not solve the problem, and such scenarioes as portrayed in "What Would You Do?" are definitely such certain times. Sometimes you just gotta jump up, jump in, lay it on the line and be done with it. What if my verbal reactions woulda resulted in something more? Well, let's just say, that if you're gonna stand up for what is right guys, you gotta instantaneously make a commitment to yourself to stand strong regardless if someone is throwing words or punches at you. Hey, it's totally a matter of personal choice, what works for one person may not work for another but that's always a chance you take whenever you stand up for what is right and what is just. I too firmly believe that physical confrontations are not the route to go, that any and every kind of problem can and should be addressed by open communication by all parties involved in the matter, until it's resolved; however, if people are gonna be foolhardy enough to push certain envelopes further, then that falls into the realm of it being their problem, not yours and not mine. Yeah, it really is that simple.

As for circumspecting my own life, wow, "What Would You Do?" really made me take a good, hard inner look at myself. I've always done my fair share of Hiv/AIDS education work as well as preventive campaigning against this disease but watching what took place in this program made me realize that we all have to do much more on this front. So starting this week, right here-n-now, I've made the decision that I'm gonna attempt to become more involved on the national front when it comes to all of this. In other words, instead of existing justa tiny bit below the radar, I'm gonna become more visible, more active with several of the organizations I am already affiliated with. I dont know if it will make any difference but damn, I just cannot in good conscience stand by and watch the shit that happened on that program have the opportunity to happen in other points across America. The only way to combat such unacceptable behavior in the human race is to stand up against it. I know I can do it. Besides, there's nothing stating that when I attend meetings and/or health summits that I am required to sign in on the roster under the name "HivSpice." I'll simply use my real name, my real person and as for email addy, hell, I'll just dust off one of my old auxilary accounts and we'll both be good to go. HivSpice with his internet activism and the real me with my real life activism. Why wait until I come outta the closet as a totally open Hiv'er? There's no time for that kinda thing anymore, the time to stand up and be accounted for is now. Besides, nothing wrong with a good healthy balance between the two, is there? Thank you for reading and hey, don't forget to watch that program guys. Thanks much.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo