Vito Russo - Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It's a rainy, cold day here in Boston and although I was gonna wait until next month to write about him but it just feels right to do so today. I've been thinking about him a lot lately, probaly because whenever I go through any unsettling periods in my life, I always look back to what I consider good times, better times. With looking for a more affordable apartment as well as trying to figure out how the hell I'm gonna balance that with planning some summer trips I want to take this year, my escapist daydreams usually drift back to those who impacted my life in a very good way. I've always said that friendship is one of the most important, most valuable things in life and the close friendship I shared with Vito Russo was a prime example of that. Most of us naturally assume that any friendship based on the amount of years two people have known each other are automatically makes them the most profound of friendships but I dont think that's always necessarily true. In some cases, I think it's the quality of the communication and personal identifying that takes place between two people that determines just how good or close a friendship can be. I feel that's the way it was with Vito and I.

This entry in this blog is not gonna be one of those gossippy, tell-all pieces regarding my friendship with Vito Russo because quite frankly, there is nothing like that to tell in the first place. I met Vito Russo while I was finishing up my college education at the University of California, Santa Cruz and while he was teaching the class based on his book, "The Celluloid Closet" (1981). I did not attend his class (not that I didnt want to but I already hadda full-course load planned out by the time I became aware of his class) nor was I ever a student of his. We actually met under quite ordinary circumstances. We were walking down a campus hallway, headed in opposite directions, and when he saw me, he looked, stopped, looked again and said to me "Excuse me, but arent you so-n-so?" At first it didnt hit me right away who he was so I didda double-take myself, Iaughed and responded back "Oh my gawd, shouldnt I be the one who should be asking YOU that!?!" So we both laughed, we shook each others hands and he introduced himself (he always was so nice and charming, alotta folks always recall his sense of humor and laughter but he also had impeccable manners) and come to find out that he not only knew who I was but he knew my Jack years before I met him.

I'll never forget that first conversation we had in that hallway. He was just so nice and some of the things he said really flattered me, especially when towards the end of our conversation he laughed and said "So you're really notta myth after all, are you?" to which I laughed back and said "Like I said before, are you sure I shouldnt be the one saying those things to you instead, Professor Russo?" We laughed some more and then before we parted company he asked me if I'd like to get together sometime and just talk and I told him sure, that'd be great. And that is the how, why, when and where of how my friendship with Vito Russo began. With the scenario I just shared with you I realize that some people might assume he was interested in me for more than just some good conversation but nothing coulda been further from the truth. Although Vito and my Jack knew each other way before I met either of them, Vito also knew that Jack had died several months previously, in October, 1989 and apparently through some mutual acquaintances, he knew the general rest of the story too - how I lost the apartment in the Loma Prieta quake, how I left Northern California and took a breather in Midwest for a bit, and how I had recently returned to Northern California to finish up my education. In other words, we basically were just two people who met by chance and hadda few things in common - we both were gay, both Hiv+, we both loved our nicotine and we both could identify with alotta the same crap we experienced in our lives over the years.

Friends.That's exactly what we were and what we remained for the next few months. Whenever we got together we'd just sit talking and enjoying each others company. We got together for our chats moreso at each of the places where we were living versus out in public because of who we were, moreson on his end than mine because he was, naturally, a well-renowned author and gay rights/Hiv/AIDS activist and it seemed that everywhere he went someone was always stopping him to say "Hello" and chit-chat. As for myself, most of the public attention on my end had totally tapered off after Jack died, even moreso after the Loma Prieta quake and my leaving Northern California. In fact, by the time I returned to Northern California to finish my education, the majority of the LGBTQ intelligentsia there had practically forgotten all about me, of course, with the exception of a few pesky reporters/photographers here-n-there. Funny thing is that I didnt mind that that spotlight had mostly faded away by then because I needed to get my own life back on track after Jack died and start making a new life for myself. Vito understood all that stuff and as a friend he was very respectful of the privacy we had together. He really did understand everything I went through with Jack and that meant a lot to me that I could confide in him, just as he did so with me regarding everything he was going through in his life as well.

Also, keep in mind that when Vito and I did get together to visit with each other, it wasnt those 3 to 4 hour time-slots of uninterrupted talking about everything under the sun that takes place in some friendships. When I knew Vito, his life was extremely busy with not just teaching his course at the university, but also speaking engagements, various causes functions and of course, dealing with his medical issues as well. The best way to describe it is that we got together when it worked best for both of our schedules, maybe once a week or every other week at the very most.

Naturally, right before he stopped teaching at the university and returned to New York, our visits together happened less-n-less but he was dealing with so much at that time that naturally I understood and gave him all the unconditional moral support one friend could give to another. During our last in-person conversation together I told him how much I enjoyed our hanging out together and that the times we spent together really made a difference for me, knowing someone who totally knew where I was coming from on so many issues. He told me he felt the same way and the last time I visited with him before he left Northern California we gave each other a big hug and he told me "Good luck to you. Stay strong, always stay strong." I'll never forget how much I missed him after he left. It would be the last time I saw him alive.

We did write to each other for a month or so after he returned East but then he started to get very sick and it wasnt until I heard about it on the tv news that I knew that he had even died. The second I heard the news it felt like my heart just totally cracked apart. I couldnt stop thinking about all the great conversations we had and it was so hard to concentrate on my finals that semester, but I pulled myself together, kept my focus and did exactly as he told me - I stayed strong. After he died, a group of students at UCSC helda special memorial service for him and I did attend it but I left before it was over because it just was too much for me at the time. We kept our friendship private and at the time I thought it best for me to keep my mourning his death private too.

Do I have any regrets about knowing Vito Russo? I have only one regret and I guess in a way it's kinda selfish on my part. I wish that his other friends woulda known about our friendship with each other because when you bond as closely with someone like he and I did, I think dealing with his death woulda been more easier for me to handle mentally had someone called me on the phone to tell me what happened versus hearing about it on the tv news. His death felt so cold and impersonal to me on that level because I would like to think that had his close friends and/or family known about me that someone woulda taken a minute or two to at least call me and let me know. Then again, I really have no proof dictating otherwise that those closest to him right before his death didnt know about me, you know? I may never know. Regardless, that is the only regret I have; otherwise, Vito Russo was a loving, compassionate, intelligent, enigmatic human being whom I will never ever forget.

Nowadays his legacy lives on with the new documentary film about this life, as well as a book too. It makes me feel good that others are getting his life story out to the masses for he made quite an impact on so many different areas of the world many of us are quite familiar with - LGBTQ rights and Hiv/AIDS activism, and naturally, the world of films too. Be that as it may, there is also the flip side of the current public attention spotlight shining on Vito's life and legacy and although I truthfully have nothing negative to say about my friend for the great man he was and always will be, I do have a few things to say about this flip side of things.

First, even though I know that Vito would be honored and flattered by all the attention focused on his life accomplishments, as well as on the issues and causes he held closest to his person, I think that some of that attention has been borderline exploitive, almost to the point where several months back I came very close to coming out against a few organizations who were claiming "Well, Vito woulda wanted this, he woulda wanted that" and I wanted so badly to retort back "How the hell would you know, did you even know the man, did you ever even once speak with him personally?" Unless you were a close friend, a family member or a close business associate, I dont think anyone has the right to claim they know what would or would not please Vito. That man hadda voice all his own and when he spoke, he was very rarely unclear about anything.

Second, since the new documentary film about him has been made, more than several people have stepped up to many a plate and said "Well, I was with him till the end and he said this and he said that and he..." and so on and so on. Really? Well, I hate to break it to the rest of the modern world, but of all those folks who claim to have known Vito Russo personally, right up until and during the time he was on his death bed, less than half of those people have any legitimate claim to knowing him whatsoever. How do I know? Let's just say that when we had our chats, we werent discussing different strategies on how to play Chinese Checkers. I knew who was close to him and who wasnt, just as he knew the same things about me. In fact, the last internet post I saw regarding this was someone who claimed "Well, I was holding his hand when he died!" I almost fell off my computer chair laughing and I said towards my computer screen "Oh really? So you and the other 17 people who allegedly were holding his hand when he died must all know each other personally then, right? If so, could you then also explain to me why they didnt bother to hook up extra oxygen tanks to him since obviously the other 17 people in his hospital room must sucked all of the air outta his hospital room??" I swear to God, people's absurdity never ceases to amaze me, never.

As I always say, people are most certainly entitled to their opinions but when it comes to others trying to capitalize off of Vito Russo, this is where the buck stops folks. I'm not kidding. From this moment forward I am officially reserving the right to reprimand, correct and/or literally nail-to-the-wall any schmuck or schmgheggie who attempts to profit off of his legacy based on any false claims. For many years now I've sat by and watched this-or-that person make this-or-that statement about him and I have remained mute the entire time. Well, not anymore. Those days are done with for good.

Speaking of which - and thirdly - it literally blows my mind how in the past year, a few of Vito's Hiv/AIDS activist contemporaries have actually had the nerve to make less-than-flattering statements about him. We're not just talking about opinions either. We're talking about people who were allegedly some of Vito's closest friends while he was alive who are now finally revealing their true colors, who are finally showing that they are indeed the backstabbing sonnsabitches I suspected they were more than 20 years ago. It boils me to no end, the nerve, the sheer nerve and audacity of those bastards. This bullshit concept some people have that makes them think they can denigrate someone just because they are deceased and in their graves is just that - bullshit. I refuse to tolerate anyone defaming Vito Russo - ever.

I realize that some people out there may ask that for a person with an anonymous identity, how real and valid are my claims regarding Vito Russo? Very. I have not, nor ever will, ever utilized my past connection with Vito Russo for personal gain or profit whatsoever. Nor do I have any reason to do so. He was my friend and he meant a lot to me. It's as plain and simple as that. Second, there is actual, tangible, physical proof of my connection to Vito Russo located in the archives section at the New York Public Library located on 42nd Street. In those archives are the coded letters that I personally wrote to him and in my possession are the letters that he personally wrote to me. And although I do not need to provide proof of my connection to Vito Russo to anyone, if I ever needed to, there would be no problems in doing so whatsoever. Anonymous identity or not, I'm as honest as they come and I always will be.

It makes me feel really good inside to finally open up about the friendship I shared with Vito Russo for it was a friendship that I will continue to treasure for the rest of my life. Looking back on all the experiences that have taken place in my life up until now, I gotta admit that for a military brat that grew up in various-places-Midwest, if you woulda asked me had I ever dreamed of meeting and knowing the extraordinary individuals I was fortunate enough to meet in my lifetime, I woulda responded "Not in your lifetime or mine." But I did and I feel both extremely grateful and blessed for experiencing such unexpected opportunities. My life hasnt ever been perfect, I'll be the first to admit it, but damn, I feel I was extremely fortunate to actually know people such as Vito Russo.

So there you have it, the Mystery Man I wrote so passionately about last year in this blog has finally been revealed. Perhaps after reading this epistle of a blog entry you may think "Interesting" or maybe even "Boring" but regardless of what you think, everything written here is the truth and let me tell you, it feels so good to have it all released from my soul and validated in the written word. To be able to have the freedom to not only openly talk about Vito Russo but to also defend his honor whenever I deem it necessary means a great deal to me. I hope the latter doesnt happen too often from here on out, as it did this past year but if it does, I'll be ready. And I'll be strong. Always strong. Thank you Vito. And as always, thank you to all of you for reading.

 

 

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