With being gone this past week on a business trip and then sleeping through the entire weekend - literally - it's actually very hypocritical on my part to even think of writing about this topic at the moment because in all fairness to everyone, I've been practically non-existent on the internet these past several days. But shortly after returning home to Boston as I was meandering through various internet posts, I noticed there were a coupla things that seemed to feel a bit off. Even though these are just mere observations on my part, I find it interesting when a person stumbles upon stuff like this and you find yourself saying to yourself "Gee, I never realized that before, I never thought of it in that context before." As to whether they are just mere perceptions or possible misperceptions, well, I guess that's strictly a matter of personal interpretation.
One of the things that I noticed is something that I've been aware of for quite some time and have actually came to grips with a long time ago. Out of the 50+ fellow Hiv/AIDS activists whom I know of and/or am personally associated with, only 2 or 3 out of all those people acknowledged that I was absent, sent me good wishes and welcomed me back. Now I know the world does not revolve around HivSpice and I more than anyone realizes how busy people get with their lives; but, I just find it somewhat unsettling that for all the moral support I give to others - in this specific example, my fellow activists - I really dont get a whole helluva lot in return. In that group of 50+ folks there are several or more people who refuse to validate me both as a human being and an activist and like they always say, you cant be liked by everyone; but, as much as I've dealt with this particular issue, I gotta admit, it still hurts somewhat, even after all this time. No one should let shit like that get them down because nobody needs negative energy like that in their lives anyways. Be that as it may, I would like to thank those fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who took a few moments outta of their busy schedules to let me know they were thinking of me, that was very nice and most appreciated.
Another thing I've noticed is that when I'm not online for any extended amount of time, it's not just that the folks I usually shoot-the-shit with arent online either, but after I came back from this most recent trip the general atmosphere felt like "Great, Spice isnt around, let's all take a nice long breather and chill till he gets back." I'm not saying that that's the reality of it all, I'm just describing how it all felt. I know folks were happy to see me around just as much as I was happy to see them around too. For those several minutes that I stepped back from it all very nonchalantly and observed everything, I also thought about how much I enjoy hanging out with all my online friends, which is something I never plan to take for granted. But, I just hope that folks will continue to look at me as the total person, versus just me who is the Hiv/AIDS activist, or just me who is the funny, flouncing flirt during those late-night reveleries. It is my hope that people will see me for the well-rounded individual I strive to be, not just this-or-that component of me.
So, those are the kinda things that make me feel expendable at times and again, I can deal with that; but, I still hope that folks will choose to view me as a whole person because I think that's the way all of us prefers to be viewed and/or treated as. I already know about the folks who get to know me, get bored with me after a bit and move on and hey, that's okay, I've learned to accept the fact that if people are meant to be in each others lives then that's the way it will be and if not, oh well, it's all a part of the natural progression of life regardless of which way you look at it. But for myself, I'm gonna continue to be who I am because I think being true to yourself and how you treat others and make a difference in their lives is a helluva lot more important than mostly anything else in this world. Thank you for reading.
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