....was a result of a combination of two factors - intense apartment hunting and extreme fatigue, in a major major way. Although I greatly appreciated everyone's genuine concern, sincere well-wishes and very kind notes of inquiry, I get very fatigued more often than I let on to anyone out there but that's because I have a love-hate relationship with the majority of my fellow Hiv+/AIDS folks on this particular issue. The reason being because any time I have brought the subject up to the other Hiv'ers, the majority of them literally snap back "Well then go on disability Spice!!" and quite frankly, I am so friggin sick-n-tired of other Hiv'ers jamming that comment in my face every single friggin time that I dont feel good. In fact, THAT'S exactly what it is, nothing butta friggin cop-out excuse and I think its wrong when others do that to me. People really do need to realize that just because an individual is Hiv+ or has AIDS does not automatically mean they have to immediately sign up for disability.
By the same token, I'm not dissing those who are on disability, not by any means, it's just that I've said it before and I guess I need to say it again - when my medical team, whether it be my id doctor, my pcp, my oncology team, my neurology network and the list goes on and on, tells me "Okay Spice, you gotta stop working, it's in your best interest to go on disability Sparky" then and ONLY THEN, will I sign up for disability. Dont get me wrong, there are MANY mornings when I wake up feeling like 3 Mack Trucks just finished playing Twister on my insides and during such moments nothing would make me happier than to grab my alarm clock, tell it to "Fuck Off!!!", throw it against the wall and crawl back into bed to rest my aching body, as well as MANY nights when I get off at my T-stop late at night after work and feel like a steamroller dragged me 25 miles down Boyleston Street; but, it's just something I've learned to live with, it's part of being Hiv+ - you're not gonna feel good every day, in fact, some days you're gonna feel just as bad as I depicted in the aformentioned scenarioes, if not much worse.
Look, it is true, I do work an awful lotta hours but dont allow me to fool you, I'm not just doing it so that I can afford to continue to live here in super-expensive Massachusetts (or as most of us residents call it, "Taxachusetts!") I also do it because to a certain degree, work is like therapy for me - it keeps me busy and keeps my mind off of things I have no control over whatsoever. Would I love to quit both jobs, prop my feet up on my loveseat and eat Cherry Pop-Tarts and drink Ovaltine and nap off-n-on all day instead? You bet your sweet ass I would; but, every single day, day-in and day-out? Hell no, I'd get friggin bored (and pretty huge too!). So I work. I keep busy. Does this work for everyone? Absolutely not. But, that's what works for me. Is this to imply that those on disability dont work and are lazy bums? Hell no, some folks on disability not only work more hours than I do but alotta them have even more physical energy than I do. All I'm saying is that everyone out there needs to comprehend and accept the fact that we Hiv'ers are just like everyone else out there - we all do our own thing according to what works best for us, or as in most cases, what IS the best thing for us to do regarding our circumstances. It really is that uncomplicated as well as that non-judgemental too.
As for the intense apartment hunting, I'll write about that another time. I'm very tired today and I havent written in awhile so I'm hoping this baby will autopost rather nicely before I get off-duty from my 2nd job this evening. Oh speaking of this blog, one more thing. A few weeks ago several of my fellow bloggers and myself noticed that readership on our blogs took like a majorly-major nosedive. I asked a coupla of the more seasoned, more experienced bloggers about this and they simply told me that with the weather getting nicer and summer quickly approaching, most folks are spending more time outdoors than in front of their computer screens. Hey, makes perfect sense to me and not only do I totally undersand and accept that rationale, I plan on getting out this summer and having fun myself too. However, I did wanna let my readers know that regardless of the season, I do plan to continue to write in this blog regularly for not only is writing in my blood (among many other things!) but it's something I really do enjoy doing, regardless of what my readership analytics dictate or not. Or, to paraphrase what my best friend once told me - writing blog entries is like making those little paper sailboats and setting them free in a stream - you can put as many of them out there as you like, but you just never ever know who or how many people are gonna end up coming across them. I hope everyone everywhere is doing well and as always, thank you for reading.
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