Last night the piece I originally wrote commemorating this extremely important date in history was accidentally deleted and I coulda just sat here and cried because I always try to autopost my blog entries while I'm at work on my 2nd job but several minutes before I left work late last night, in the mad rush I am usually in at the end of each work week, I obviously was too rushed and without paying attention, poof, it was gone. Thank goodness this has only happened twice to me in the history of writing this blog but still, it made me feel like sucha fool and I coulda kicked myself right square in the ass for sucha giant fumble. Yet rather than rewrite the piece, I'd like to start from scratch all over again and simply do a newer piece because quite frankly, it's been an extremely long week and I truly do not feel like putting myself through any further mental anguish on rewriting something that took a pretty large emotional toll on me to begin with. After all, it's been 30 years since this horrible disease started claiming millions of lives and when you really sit down and think about it, whether you are Hiv+ or Hiv-, whether you have full-blown AIDS or not, what the hell can you really say about it? Overwhelming? Devastating? Tragic? Unspeakable? These words alone cant make even the tiniest dent on the physical, emotional and mental devastation AIDS has wreaked on millions of human lives, including my own.
But, there is one thing that does impede the power of AIDS every single time - it's called Hope. Even in our most darkest hours of despair, as long as each and every one of us affected by this terrible disease holds onto even the tiniest kernel of Hope, there isn't a damn thing we can't overcome, let alone conquer. Not even AIDS can ever take away the love and memories of all of those who have gone on before us, they will forever exist and live on in our hearts-n-souls, which is exactly as it should be.
During the first decade of the AIDS epidemic, there was an unofficial coined phrase which became very prevalent in both the GLBTQ and Hiv/AIDS communities and it went something like this - "I've lost so many friends & family to this damned disease that I've started ripping out entire pages in my telephone/address book." That just wasnt a sentiment, for many of us it was and is a fact of life, myself included. There are very many of us out there who have personally known enough people in our lifetimes to form our very own personal NAMES Project. Literally. Yet as staggering as such numbers can be, there isnt one single one of those individuals who has ever been forgotten. There isnt a day that goes by where I dont silently recall to myself a certain smile, a particularly funny joke or a kind deed, performed by those hundreds of friends whom I sorely miss to this very day, which is why those of us who are still alive must do all that we can to help educate others about Hiv/AIDS and therefore hopefully prevent such scenarioes like I just described to you from ever ever happening again. To do all in our might that is humanly possible to make such scenarioes truly become a thing of the past, yes, that's more than just a noble goal, it is a necessary goal.
I'd like to close this piece in great honor of and with the most heartfelt reverence that I have for the 578 extremely special individuals whom I have personally known who lost their lives during the past 30 years to this catastrophic disease called AIDS. From Day One, the day that I found out I was Hiv+, I've always claimed that I dont want to ever be regarded as a number, as a statistic, but rather as a human being who tried to be the best person he could be, someone who always tried to make a difference in the lives of others and those are exactly the ways in which I remember all those who have gone on before me. Yes, it does anger the living hell out of me that even 1 of those 578 people I once knew lost their lives to AIDS, but by remembering how each and every one of them affected my life as well as played their own part in helping sustain my inner fighting strength, their spirit lives on, their memories remain alive and their lives are profound proof that each and every one of us does indeed make a positive difference in the lives of all those we connect with while on this earth. May all of us who are battling this terrible disease be around for another 30 years and/or until they find a cure, whichever comes first, though I'm hoping and praying like the dickens that the latter arrives as soon as possible. In the meantime, please, be as responsible and as healthy as you all possibly can be. Thank you for reading.
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