Upon viewing several posts regarding skin fillling procedures for those Hiv'ers/PWA's who suffer facial fat loss and other related conditions I've finally decided to sit down and write about something which a good many folks contending with Hiv/AIDS are afflicted with, but which you almost never see people discussing - that ashen look. Even after 30+ years into this disease, there are still many people out there who simply dont wanna talk about it, and although that may be their choice, their right, I think those who are in denial about it need to get over it. Literally.
Do you know how people are always saying "Well, you cant tell if someone is Hiv+ or has AIDS just by looking at them!!" I gotta newsflash for my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists and any other folks who religiously and vehemently claim that - you're all full of shit. There are many people out there who have the renowned wasting-away syndrome that walks hand-in-hand with being Hiv+/having AIDS; but, that's not why they "look" like they have AIDS - it's the color of their skin that sets them apart from everyone else. It's literally an ashen look - a hue between extremely pale white and light gray - and if you look at the gazillions of photos of those who survived the concentration camps during the Holocaust, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
I realize some of my contemporaries may get get rip-roaring mad that someone is FINALLY opening up their mouth and speaking out on this issue, but it's not my fault that they dont wanna deal with the full reality of this all. So many people have treated it as one of THE MOST tabu subjects concerning Hiv/AIDS over the past 30 years and frankly, I think that's just totally ludicrous. People who have the ashen look are real, they do exist yet all I hear from alotta folks is "Oh, don't say anything, you'll make him/her feel self-conscious, you'll hurt his/her feelings and make them feel uncomfortable!"
Self-conscious? Hurt feelings? Omfg, lemme give y'all the latest newsflash, okay people? For anyone out there whose skin-tone looks like death-onna-rainy-day-in-Seattle, trust me, I'm more than certain that they are totally aware of their condition and have had to field any and all kinds of questions regarding it. I know my Jack did and yes, it was very uncomfortable for him at times but as with anything else connected with Hiv/AIDS or any other disease for that matter, you acclimate yourself to it mentally and guess what? You get over it and you keep living life.
Anyone who's had to contend with such a radical change in their skin tone because of this disease (and again, any other disease for that matter) has had a lot to deal with and believe me, my heart does indeed go out to them. I mean, it's one thing feeling sick alotta the time but then to look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud "Oh great Sparky, I friggin look EXACTLY how I feel!" Yes, it can be one helluva mental roller-coaster ride but by talking with your medical care team and other people who have the same exact condition, it does help, it really does.
But you know what really burns me up about it all, second only to everyones denial about it, especially the Hiv/AIDS community's? Those people who have it and refuse to accept it. I'm not talking about the countless thousands I've seen over the years with it, but about some of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who are on Facebook. In the last year or so I cannot tell you how many photos I've seen of people that either made me yelp out "Whoahhh!" or "Hello!?!??!" and literally made me fall off my computer chair! Then when they've been asked point blank "Uhm, what's up with your skin??" Do you know what the majority of their responses are? Get this - "Oh nothing, I'm totally fine, just a Vitamin D deficiency, that's all." Excuse me, butta vitamin deficiency of any kind does NOT make you look like some zombie from out of a George Romero horror flick, thank you very much!
Omg, I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to write to some of those raging denialists and simply say "Yo, ever hear of pancake?? And I'm not talking about IHOP either!!" The ignorance as well as arrogance of people who refuse to accept the truth just burns me up to no end! Look, I've been around long enough to know the difference between reality and unadulterated bullshit and as bad as having a skin-tone problem related to an illness can be, no one can escapefrom something like that. Yes, upon consulting your physician and possibly getting a referral to a dermatologist, perhaps there are some alternative skin therapies that will help, hopefully so. But to walk around the streets of your local downtown area like the Angel-of-Death on a suburban holiday and pretend that it's not obvious, damn, that's just totally absurd.
Anyone who's had to deal with Hiv/AIDS, regardless of how many years they've been infected, has had their body affected or changed by this disease in one form or another (myself included). Yes, it is heartbreaking and it can even make you majorly-majorly pissed off at this fucken disease; but, guess what? No matter what this disease does to our bodies, we gotta do our best to stay strong guys, we gotta do our best to cling together and get through this. I am not knocking any of you whom have that ashen look, I'm only taking to task those who refuse to accept it because they are ashamed of it. Ashamed? Oh my God, how could anyone be ashamed of something which they have no control over whatsoever? Because of how society views us? Well, fuck society then because they're not the ones battling this disease, we are. The Ashen look is real and I'm glad that I've finally stood up and said something about it, though I must admit that I am extremely frustrated and thoroughly disgusted by each and every one of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists, both in real life and online, who refuse to not only admit that sucha condition exists, but hell, they even refuse to talk about it. Sorry, but that's just not right, it's not normal. Talking about things always helps folks feel a whole helluva lot better about what they are going through, it always makes them feel so much less alone and let's face it, that beats sweeping things under the rug and living vicariously in a fantasy world of ones' own making.
Never be ashamed of what you look like because of what Hiv/AIDS has done to your body. Each and every one of us is a strong, brave warrior who deserves the utmost respect and greatest accolades. You are totally accepted and well-loved and anytime you feel like you are faltering, like you're standing on shaky ground, dontcha worry, there will always always be someone there to catch you. On that you can depend. Thank you for reading.
Note: I've chosen not to incliude any photos of Hiv'ers/PWA's with that ashen skin appearance and/or other skin-related diseases brought on by Hiv/AIDS because as many peope as there are out there you have it, like with everything else to do with AIDS, just because this-or-that person comes down with it, it doesnt mean that everyone else who has the disease will. Thank you.
Wow I totally agree with you but I also disagree some. Because I work at a dental office and i've seen patients that have hiv and my cowrokers and I are always in shock because we never even suspected it until we saw their charts. They looked healthier than me. Ive seen a good bunch who look perfectly normal and would never in a million years would have thought, but i've also seen a bunch who do look like cadavers. Maybe it depends on life style factors. Maybe depression contributes to it, or what you eat, etc...
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